Episode One, Turn Three: The Sacrificial Knife.
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Disarm the violent mentalist and yell at Father Purple
..."To arms!” yells
Father Teal, pulling the replica broadsword out of his thigh flesh.
“A duel will settle the question of whose dedication to the Faith is stronger!"Whilst the mildly uplifting jazz organ continues in the background, Father Teal advances down the side of the church towards
Father Purple, sword in hand.
I don't fear no feckin' police! To heck with those eejits! I suavely toss the gun onto father whatever's body and politely accuse him of the outbreak of hysteria. The bastard...
...”Feck off, you feckin’ eejit! Get away from me with that feckin’ thing!” shouts
Father Purple to
Father Teal as he turns to poke his head out the burning window again, inadvertently setting himself alight when he touches the burning curtains with his lovely hair.
”It wasn’t feckin’ me! It was that… it was that other feckin’ fecker!” he shouts, convincingly, to the megaphone wielder outside before rushing to the main entrance, kicking apart the doors, and waving the toy gun at the armed police massed before him with one hand and reaching the other into his cassock pocket for his priest badge.
”OH SHITE, HE’S GOT A BOMB!” goes up a megaphoned cry of alarm.
”FECKIN’ SHITE, TAKE HIM OUT!”Father Purple collapses to the ground as a hail of bullets tears through his kneecaps, his hair still burning merrily and his arms held up to the Lord.
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Look around. Try to find any restraining agents or at least something to extinguish !!Father Beige!! with, fail in doing so. Thus ask for volunteers in the audience to get this eejit out of the church and into a river or a pub or something. Perhaps with cement boots.
Then continue with the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
...Meanwhile, in the village of Knockcloghrim,
Father Red looks briefly about to find something with which to extinguish
Father Beige, busily burning beneath him. Finding nothing, he gives him a bit of a poke in the ribs with his feet and wonders what to do. Wasn’t he meant to be getting on with some kind of… priesting… or… talk of some kind… or something? He sits down to ponder.
“Will no one volunteer to help get this feckin’ eejit out of my church or something?” he finally decides.
”No? Oh, right then.”Exorcise nearest person with pelvic thrusts
...Just then one of the parishioners does in fact rush forwards to help the drunken burning
Father Beige, who understandably leaps to his feet to exorcise the fecker with his pelvis, and promptly falls over, knocking the poor chap to the ground and setting him on fire in his turn!
Father Beige drools a little on his victim, who tries to squirm out from under the drink-sodden priest without success.
Father Red has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Filled by the burning light of the Lord, Father Pink speaks the Rites while stopping, dropping, and rolling to emphasize the points!
...Filled with the burning light of the Lord rapidly rising towards his pants,
Father Pink forgets the correct Liturgy he’s meant to perform, drops, rolls, entangles himself in the floor-to-ceiling curtains on the one side of the church, and finds himself in the middle of a towering inferno of blazing holy curtain!
Murmurs of discontent at the unorthodoxy of the Mass begin to spread around the church of Cloonsherevagh.
In the most jolly and Irish way possible, freak out and say that the only thing that would make this worst is that the holy water turned into blood! And when people do notice it has turned into 'blood', scream the end of the world and such, all the while being the happiest Irish priest in the world.
...The murmurs of discontent turn into veritable screams when
Father Green leaps to his feet, freaking the feck out!
“Holy Mary and all that! The only possible feckin’ way this Mass could get any worse is if the holy water turned into blood! Quick, check the holy water!”A pair of the nearest villagers run over to the font, peer in, and promptly faint, one of them smashing his face open on the stone floor as he falls. Blood begins to pool out across the cold grey surface, and several screaming members of the congregation slip over on it as they flee the spreading flames.
“JESUS CHRIST! THE HOLY FECKING WATER’S TURNED INTO THE BLOOD OF THE FECKIN’ DEVIL!” scream the villagers.
“HOLY FECKIN’ FECK!”“Oh shite!” wails Father Green, happily.
“The first sign of the end of the feckin’ world! We’re all going to heaven! Hooray!”He joins the flock of villagers stampeding towards the main doors of the church, only to find, along with the rest of the congregation, that they seem to be locked!
The screams of panic are only broken by the roar of the approaching flames and the dying groans of half a dozen trampled stampede victims.
!!Father Pink!! has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Aha! Now that Father Grey has Veridian under control, graciously thank him for being prepared, pluck them from his hands and perform the Liturgy of the Word, ensuring Grey keeps Veridian out of trouble.
...”Father Grey! Father Grey! Oh what the feckin’ feck! Get the feck off me you feckin’ eejit! We’re not in the feckin’ rectory! We can’t feckin’ playwrestle here! It’s not seemly! Ow! Oh shite, not with the feckin’ pew!”As
Father Cyan crawls brokenly away from the playful
Father Grey, he looks up as the church doors creak open.
“Oh Jesus feckin’… Bishop feckin’ Lennan… oh shite…”Recall my memory on a good verse to read on.
Preach as if I'm addressing the people themselves, other than reading it on a paper. Be the storyteller like a bard of yore - minus the annoying music, my voice is music!
...With
Bishop Lennan staring unbelieving at
Father Cyan lying prostrate on the ground before him,
Father Veridian sees the opportunity to seize the initiative!
And seize it he does!
Recalling a particularly apposite verse, he stands up in the centre of the congregation, taking over from where Father Cyan left off, droning away in his horrifying voice.
“Benedictus es, Dòmine, Deus univèrsi, quia de tua largitàte…”When the parishioner nearest to him falls unconscious to the ground from sheer tedium, Bishop Lennan feels the need to intervene. Kicking Father Cyan right in the feckin’ bollocks, he immediately follows this up by walking over to the stricken villager and kicking her right up the feckin’ arse and addressing her in feckin’ person.
“GET UP YOU FECKIN’ EEJIT! WHAT’S THE MATTER! YOU NEVER HEARD A PROPER FECKIN’ MASS BEFORE?!”She struggles to her feet, whereupon Bishop Lennan punches her back to the floor.
“BUNCH OF FECKIN’ EEJITS! GET ON WITH YOUR FECKIN’ MASS, FATHER FECKIN’ CYAN, BEFORE I COME BACK AND KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS AGAIN! AND YOU, YOU FECKIN’ GOBSHITE, FATHER “VERIDIAN”. WHAT KIND OF FECKIN’ NAME IS THAT ANYWAY? KEEP UP THE GOOD FECKIN’ WORK!”Father Veridian has received a +1 Bishop’s Blessing Bonus for next turn!
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
With the power of GOD I awaken. And then jump away from the other priest.
Get angry for no reason and yell random gibberish while trashing the place in the name of the High Holy Himself.
...Awakening with the power of God,
Father Silver scrambles to his feet and jumps away from
Father Brown.
"As you should well know, AS THE GOOD BOOK says… wait… that's a Jewish term. Arsebiscuits. Well. That’s not."Father Silver dashes to the nearest pew and bends to pick it up, aiming to swing it about his head and trash the church and its congregation in the name of the Holy Father. He stops to point at Father Brown as bits of dog drip from his hair.
"Heaven help this helpless heathen to the most horrifying hell with his horrid hound!" he harrumphs in a harassed and harrowing voice.
”I’ll fecking fight you and your whole feckin’ family, Father fecking McFecker! Keep the feck away from me you feckless fool!" he screams as he lifts the pew.
"Oh feck."There’s a horrible sound as Father Silver slips a disc in his back and stands there, motionless and unlikely to motion in the very near future. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Father Brown and an angry
mob congregation approach.
Father Brown drags the other 'priest' inside and tells his congregation what's what.
Whatever happens next, he launches into a tirade of tirades against animal cruelty
... ”You... you...” Father Brown manages, tears streaming down his face.
”YOU FECKIN' WANKER BASTARD GOBSHITE! I'LL... I'LL...”Grabbing Father Silver by the collar, Father Brown and his wrathful dog-loving congregation begin dragging him towards the altar
and Father Brown’s sacrificial knife.
Father Brown drags Father Silver wailing and screaming by the feet with what might, were one to take an unkind view of proceedings, be deemed unnecessary force – and no small quantity of arse-kicking. He ties the half-paralysed priest to his altar and launches into a spirited rendition of the Introductory Rites.
”THIS MONSTER,' spits Father Brown, kicking the man for emphasis,
'NAY, THIS FECKIN’ DEMON FROM THE DEEPEST FECKIN’ PITS OF HELL! THIS SPAWN OF LUCIFER HIMSELF! In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti and all the rest of it, I SENTENCE THIS SOULLESS ABOMINATION TO SUFFER ETERNALLY IN THE FIRES OF SHITIN’ HELL, FECKIN’ AMEN!”At this point, the remaining seated villagers applaud and Father Brown pauses for breath, but if anyone believes he’s about to stop, they are surely and sorely mistaken!
”FOR DOES NOT THE HOLY BOOK AND OUR BLESSED SAVIOUR SAY 'TURN THE OTHER FECKIN’ CHEEK INSIDE OUT? AS GOOD CHRISTIANS, WE MUST FLAY THIS GOBSHITE ALIVE! REPEATEDLY!”As Father Brown checks the knots tying Father Silver to the altar he reaches a triumphant climax.
“Oratio Universalis Seu Oratio Feckin’ Fidelium!”Father Brown has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Father Orange follows up his vehement urgings for a pub-related exodus with an impromptu sermon on Alcohol and the Merits Thereof, with particular focus given to how super important it is. Like, mention that whole water to wine bit? I'm pretty feckin' sure the Bible's full of that kind of thing. Lead by example by partaking of the communion wine. All of it.
...”Now, my children,” announces
Father Orange to the half full church.
“While Father feckin’ Blue here rolls about on the floor like some kind of feckin’ eejit, I want to extol to you the virtues of certain things. I want to talk about Alcohol and the Merits Thereof. IT’S SUPER FECKIN’ IMPORTANT, D’YE HEAR? Why else would our Saviour want to turn water into wine? The Bible’s full of that kind of feckin’ thing. Yea, for listen, Zebedee spake unto the Lord, and the Lord said, Yea, alcohol is totally super important, and Zebedee did prostrate himself, I think. Wait – the best thing would be for me to demonstrate. A good priest should always be a shining example.”Father Orange, whilst he talks, walks over to the communion wine beside the altar and downs it in one before promptly retching it all back up, covering various holy artefacts in his rancid gutspume.
Almost immediately a bolt of electricity seems to blast through the church, smacking into Father Orange’s crotch and sending him flying to the floor!
Suddenly the congregation seem slightly less convinced by his hearty praise for alcohol and the merits thereof.
Signal to the organist to play something entertaining, then lock crazy fellow in a back room, I don't know, a reliquary closet or something.
Then apply bag of frozen peas to bruised face.
Then return to give the best feckin' liturgies or what-not that my flock have ever bloody well seen!
...Have the organist go round up the escapees meanwhile, too.
...Father Blue, finally, gets to his feet, steps over
Father Orange’s smoking crotch and, indeed, the rest of his twitching but still perfectly alive body, gets up to his altar, and applies the altar to his bruised feckin’ face.
“Oh feck! Ouch!” he exclaims.
“I need to get this feckin’ eejit out the feckin’ way! And you! Organist! You need to go and get the rest of my feckin’ flock! Feck! Liturgies! Bollocks! What’s the feckin’ feck’s a feckin’ liturgy? Feck!”Having totally forgotten the words in the confusion, Father Blue leans down to take Father Orange by the hand and drag him over to a nearby reliquary cupboard, but he seems to be caught on the corner of a step or something and won’t budge. Father Blue sits down on the top step next to the altar and sighs, sadly surveying the remnants of his congregation.
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist! But it still doesn't seem many of you will need to know that!
Apologies for autoing Father Beige so quick but 1/I’d already rolled the roll and knew a [2] meant it wasn’t serious, 2/It was write the turn or continue a VERY tedious report and 3/I was being harassed by everyone (no but EVERYONE) on #bay12rtd. SORRY.
Incidentally, if you title your PMs with the colour of your priest, it’s very helpful. Also, do I need to create a player burning status tab or something? I'm trying to keep this phase nice and simple, but people insist on catching fire.
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68369 times)