Episode One, Turn One. Jane The Dachshund
The Village of Termonfeckin...
I will, in addition to saying the introductory rites, pray to God beforehand for strength in the upcoming mass.
...“Dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dunnnnnnnnnnnn.” In the back room of the church of the village of Termonfeckin,
Father Teal begins his traditional Sunday Mass in his traditional manner.
“Dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn”
He bends his head in prayer as the music blasts through his headphones.
“Risin’ up, back on the street,
Did my time, took my chances…”
He prays to God for the strength to see himself through the coming test.
“It’s the,
Eye of the Tiger,
It’s the thrill of the fight!”
Jumping to his feet, Father Teal punches the air before him, ripping the headphones out of the CD player as he rises, filling the back room with the glory of God!
“AND HE’S WATCHING US ALL WITH THE…
EYE OF THE TIGER!”
Father Teal is filled with the strength of God! +1 bonus to Strength rolls next turn!
Father Teal hits the off button and steps out into the Church towards the altar. He doesn’t notice the congregation’s strange glances.
I wait for the mass to begin, sitting in the very front row.
...The only thing
Father Teal notices is
Father Purple, sitting in the very front row, very unpriestlike indeed. He doesn’t recognise him. It suddenly dawns on him.
“JESUS CHRIST!” he suddenly shouts involuntarily.
“Oh, forgive me Father. Oh feck! It’s the feckin’ armed robber on the run after the job in the village of Creggenbaun! Oh feckin’ feck! We’re all gonna die!”The fifty members of the congregation begin to fidget about!
They begin to scream!
They begin to shift from their seats and jump up and run around!
“OH JESUS CHRIST IT’S THE ARMED FECKIN’ ROBBER FROM CREGGENBAUN! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! CALL THE FECKIN’ COPS!”A dozen mobile phones appear from a dozen pockets as terrified pandemonium breaks out.
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Exercise voice a bit, try imitating the bishop's speech patterns, and then get a megaphone before heading to mass
...Elsewhere on the island, in the church of the village of Knockcloghrim to be exact, Mass begins in an only slightly quieter fashion as shouted Latin wafts through into the nave.
“Aaaaaaaa-aaaa-aaaah-mennnnnn…”Several women of a certain age in the congregation look approvingly at each other. They like a good Mass. They like to know it’s being delivered with passion.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii… hmm… IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FECKIN’ FILII… yes…”Grabbing his trusty megaphone,
Father Red takes several deep breaths, and walks out to the altar.
Father Red has a voice bonus! +1 to Voice rolls next turn!
Enter church, find all that wine+bread stuff for that one ceremony, drink all the wine and get very, very drunk.
...Father Red sees a priest he’s never seen before finishing off the last of the communion wine and then wandering over to the nave and slumping down into the nearest pew.
Father Beige looks very, very drunk.
Undeterred, Father Red starts the Introductory Rites.
Father Beige has a drunkenness bonus! +d4-2 to rolls next turn!
Father Red has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Right, time to perform the best Mass ever, and I bet any troublemaker will start off by being noisy. I'll just make sure I have a turned-on Microphone so I can be heard over anything anyone tries.
Use a phone to hire a mime and send him off to my rival's mass. Tell him to do disturbing stuff, which is whatever a mime does. Tell the mime that everyone at mass is in on the act.
...In the village of Cloonsherevagh,
Father Green desperately rifles through a phone book in a nearby telephone cabin.
“Oh Jesus! Someone’s only gone and feckin’ stolen the feckin’ mime page! Bloody bollocks! Well, at least they’ll have a nice mime!”Meanwhile, in the church of Cloonsherevagh,
Father Pink taps his microphone and starts Mass.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”Father Pink has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
I'd like to have a bottle of holy water and a cross please. A small, portable one.
...In the village church of Ardglass,
Father Cyan prepares to deliver his traditional Sunday Mass at the traditional time in his traditional manner and-
What sort of things can one actually do on an action? For now, I'll just try to contact Father Grey with the intentions of a non-aggression pact. Hold the fort.
...Suddenly he remembers his old friend Father Grey is in town and rings him to come and join him for Mass!
Father Viridian speaks as the Introductory Rights begins, standing at the middle aisle, in front of the altar yet right at the church entrance.
Enter church as a guest priest, look at current priest with a glare of recognition and a cheery smile.
Hopefully the man isn't insolent and invites me in.
...Just as
Father Cyan steps into the church hall to begin Mass a few minutes later, he sees
Father Viridian standing in the centre of the aisle next to the main doors.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”"Greeeeeetings,” interrupts Father Viridian in a terribly dull drone.
”My chiiiildreeeen."“…et Spìritus Sancti. Aaaa-aaa-aaaamennn”"I wiiiiill beeeee your guest prieeeesst toda-arrGH!"Suddenly
Father Grey storms into the church, flinging the doors wide open and smashing Father Viridian to the floor! He gets back up to his knees, blood pouring from his face!
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
”Well, well, I hope this troublemaker won't get my fiery Irish blood boiling, oh my.”
Father Brown sets a plate of biscuits and tea for his congregation at the door and sets his friendly dachshund, Jane, to guard them from any bad sorts that might be nearby and greet new arrivals.
Then the rites!
...Father Brown kindly welcomes his congregation to the church of Creggenbaun, vehemently offering each villager in person a cup of tea and a biscuit. Once everyone seems to be seated, he ambles gently over to the altar and prepares himself to deliver a cracking Mass.
Suddenly a yelping commotion breaks out at the back of the church!
Infiltrate the mass as one of the priests and spike the wine with a strong aphrodisiac
...Just as
Father Silver is about to pour some unidentified substance into the communion wine, a friendly dachshund leaps up out of nowhere, biting him on the feckin’ bollocks! He screams!
Father Brown halts his lovely Latin as the congregation turn as one.
An unknown priest seems to be wrestling his dog on the floor!
After a couple of minutes of dog-priest wrestling, Father Silver jumps to his feet and flees, sprinting round the edges of the church as fast as he can and clutching his groin, scattering congregation members and chairs alike as he goes!
Just inches behind him follows a yelping dachshund, jumping and urinating with glee over the fallen congregation members!
”Oh! Jane! Jane!” cries out Father Brown from the front of the church.
”Oh, feckin’ shite…”
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Have the organist on standby to whip out some jazzy riffs to distract the flock should anything go wrong.
...Father Blue stands and begins.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”
“…et Spìritus Sancti. Aaaaaaaaaa-aa-aahmennnnnn”Father Orange, spurred by a desire to spread joy to all living things in accordance with the will of God Amen, rises up for the Opening Hymn. His boisterous baritone bellows out the the first verse, and the second... and the third. And the fourth. And then the first again. And then second, third, fourth, first, second, third, fourth forever and ever Amen.
tl;dr Musical Filibuster
...As the Opening Hymn begins after the Introductory Rites, a joyous voice booms forth and joins in.
Father Orange’s voice rings out, clear as a bell!
As the Opening Hymn ends, a joyous voice continues to boom forth! Father Orange’s voice rings out, clear as an entire village of bells! He starts the Opening Hymn again!
Without a second's hesitation,
Father Blue signals to his organist, who whips out some pre-prepared jazz!
Filled with joy, Father Orange is unable to stop himself from standing up in the middle of the nave and dancing with holy righteousness!
Suddenly the main church doors swing open.
It’s only bloody
Bishop feckin’ Lennan! He dashes down the aisle and tackles Father Orange to the floor before standing up and giving him a firm kick in the arse! He whispers into Father Orange’s ear.
”What the feckin’ shite do you feckin’ think you’re feckin’ doing, Father Orange! I told you to feckin’ well interrupt the feckin’ Mass, not to feckin’ ridicule yourself in public! No matter what the rumours about my behaviour in America might say, dancing is not behaviour fit for a feckin’ priest!”He stands up.
”FATHER BLUE. PLEASE CONTINUE WITH YOUR EXCELLENT MASS.”Bishop Lennan turns to leave, surely on his way to visit another parish.
Father Blue has a +1 Bishop’s Blessing bonus to next turn!
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
Well. That took a while: 12 players is probably a bit too much. Apologies for any errors, as well as for the wall of many coloured text: it's a bit unwieldy.
Author
Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68336 times)