THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FOURTEEN!
Initiative face off: DINOHITLER VS SCHRODINGER’S CAT!Roll d100!
DINOHITLER: 9!
SCHRODINGER’S CAT: 4!
Pitiful!
DINOHITLER'S BRAIN PART: The Evil Center (about 43% of dinobrain)
Action: Engage Total War, eat Schrodinger's Cat to both heal wounds and fulfill petty evil act quota for now.
DinoHITLER suddenly summons FOUR ravenous, mighty Elite Dinonazis! They order a coffee!
And then there was the furball, hurled at the Roman Legion.
Stats, hopelessness and vomit leave a bad taste in the Cat’s mouth.
…And then the Cat leaves a bad taste in DinoHITLER’s mouth!
Except he doesn’t, because DinoHITLER ate one of the cat holograms!
…But then the two remaining possible cats start choking on a miniblackhole and one of them disappears! Only the real Schrödinger’s Cat remains! It rolls about on the floor squealing and hacking!
Suddenly a badger runs past!
The holocat doesn’t heal DinoHITLER’s wounds, unfortunately.
"TARNATION!" booms ENORMOCROCKETT.
"THAT IS A MIGHTY FINE DISPLAY OF VOMITING, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF!"He wonders what that severe tickling feeling is. He looks down.
"HEY! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE GUTS!"Initiative face off: ENORMOCROCKETT VS OTTO VAN DINO AND HIS CRONIESRoll d100!
ENORMOCROCKETT: 66!
OTTO VAN DINO AND HIS HOMIES: 19!
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the annoying Otto Von Dino and his cronies all over DINOHitler! Lament how neither of those have complete stat blocks!
…Brushing them off like so much… nazi dust, ENORMOCROCKETT MIGHTY TEXAS DROPKICKS his gut-slasher like a Texan rugby ball right into DinoHITLER’s DinoFACE!
Wait actually I have to roll for that too let’s not get carried away.
WOUND ACQUIRED: Otto Von or Van Dino:
Broken Head!WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 1:
Severed Thighs!WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 2:
Bleeding Face!WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 3:
Fractured Face!Suddenly Otto van Dino’s statblock appears from the other thread, boosting ENORMOCROCKETT’S MORALE!
Name: Otto van Dino
Minions: Leader of the SS Velociraptor Squad:
1:
[HP:30/50] |
Severed Thighs!2:
[HP:45/50] |
Bleeding Face!3:
[HP:45/50] |
Fractured Face!Status: Not talkin' 'bout it... except for the -2 to movement
Inventory:
Advanced Steel Teeth!Wounds: [HP:50/115] |
SEVERED LEGS! |
Broken Head!Skills: Velociraptor!,
Dino-Tough!,
Velocispeed!,
Squad Leader!,
He's just a Dino. And just as suddenly DinoHITLER’s wounds appear!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER:
Severed Guts!WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER:
Bleeding Skull!WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER:
Severed Left Leg!Engage secret technique: Like a 6-year old! Bite his face off! The Dino Squadron shall help Otto in these activities.
Otto van Dino – broken, severed, but not beaten, falls off his dinofuhrer and rushes back across the battlefield to take vengeance on the ENORMOCROCKETT.
After a half mile run up, they leap as one – at Davy Crockett’s HIDEOUS FACE!
Halfway through the leap, Otto van Dino realises Crockett has a broken face and a severed face and a protected face, and so maybe this target isn’t quite the optimal target for a dinonazi raid. They break formation and attack targets of opportunity!
…Otto doesn’t manage to change course in time, and bounces harmlessly off ENORMOCROCKETT’S enormoface! He falls to the floor, tumbling and turning and just making out one of his homies scratching viciously at the enormoface as he falls, and as he lands he spots another dinoHOMIE scratch out Crockett’s guts!
HIS FAVOURITE GUTS!
WOUND ACQUIRED: Davy Crockett:
Bleeding Face!WOUND ACQUIRED: Davy Crockett:
Bleeding Guts!Initiative face off: PAUL MCCARTNEY AND THE BEATLES VS THE SEXIMATED ROMAN LEGION VS THE PIMPERATOR!Roll d100!
PAUL MCCARTNEY: 13!
SEXIMATED ROMAN LEGION: 58!
THE PIMPERATOR: 38!
Charge the Beatles!
The two hundred and twenty five Romans charge, two taking on each of the remaining Beatles.
…The massed ranks of short stabby swords are all but ineffective, and only Paul McCartney’s left arm is heavily sliced up!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney:
Sliced Up Arm!SEXIMATE THE ENEMY! SAVE PAUL MCCARTNEY!
The Pimperator Marcus Aurelius leaps in to save Paul McCartney!
…He seduces the front rank of Romans into helplessness!
Resist the enemy!
Paul and the Beatles cut down the helpless Romans as their knees quiver before the Pimperator’s Gaze!
…George slays seventy two innocent nazi Romans with his guitar, but Ringo and Paul are still too high on drugs!
Oh well.
Archimedes: Multiply attack powers.
Hulkimedes: Continue smashing plot important people. If possible, use solar mirror.
Hulkimedes ums and ahs and tries to work out who is a plot important person.
…OH NOES!
He charges at his brother Archimedes, smashing him over the face with a solar mirror!
…ARCHIMEDES’ FACE IS SLICED OFF!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes:
SEVERED FACE!Despite bleeding all over the place from his face, Archimedes still has time for maths!
Archimedes ALWAYS has time for maths!
…Archimedes maths so hard that all his clothes fall off and the forces of good receive a +2 maths bonus next turn!
Suddenly an evil sounding voice shouts evilly.
"Minions! Romans! Servants of Evil! Lend me your rears!"Holy crap it’s Heinrich Hamster again!
"By which I mean get your lazy asses between dinoHITLER and the enemy! Protect the dinoFUHRER!"He directs every last Roman legionary to get between dinoHITLER and the forces of good!
…They shift formation and form a solid of Roman in front of the dinoFUHRER!
Distract the enemy by being an adorable Nazi hamham!
Taking his place in front of the seximated Roman legion, Heinrich the Hamham takes a nearby peanut and chews it as cutely as he can.
…Every Roman Legionary is so distracted by his cuteness that they try to stroke the nazi mechahamster!
Stop self from bleeding to death by using crocodile and then kamicroc at DinoHITLER if it won’t work.
Alone amongst hundreds of people, both good and bad,
Steve Irwin rides his crocodile as hard as he can at his blood in a last ditch effort to not die.
…It totally fails mate! Crikey!
Feeling his lifeforce draining away, Stevo, Professional Australian and Croc Hunter. Destroyer of Evil, knows there is only one thing for it.
A FIFTY MILE AN HOUR KAMICROC CHARGE AT DINOHITLER!
He revs the croco-engine!
He shoots forward!
…He only reaches about 30 miles per hour, but he still manages to fly through the air towards DinoHITLER’S nasty nazi dinoFACE!
Stevo penetrates DinoHITLER’S severed face.
He lodges deep within DinoHITLER’S exposed head!
Stevo utters one last desperate but joyful cry as he dies for freedom:
”STREWTH! FOR AUSTRALIA AND FREEDOM! CRIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”STEVE IRWIN AND THE CROCODILE DETONATE!
…DINOHITLER’S BRAIN IS SEVERED!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER:
SEVERED BRAIN!At least it might improve his painting.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Good: +2 maths bonus for next turn.
DinoHITLER: protected by 173 Romans who are all distracted at suffer -1 to all rolls next turn.
Mechahamster: 50% of attacks vs him missing.
Incidentally I assumed DinoHITLER’ S evil blood would need to be within melee range.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Five Legendary Crocodile Hunter
Status: Covered in sick. -1 to arms, legs, and faces. DECEASED.
Inventory: Khaki Coloured Sequinned Shorts, Mate!,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: -10/100] |
Severed Arm! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Severed Face!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Acrocalypse Now,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick. Has a lot of sick in his speedoguts.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Sliced Up Arm!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. ENORMOUS.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:19/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face! |
Severely Bleeding Guts! |
Bleeding Guts! |
Bleeding Face!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Naked!
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:55/75] |
SEVERED FACE!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and -2 to dodging. HULKIMEDES DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS OR DODGING.
Inventory: PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:69/75] |
Broken Leg! |
Fractured Ribs!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick. +1 to being hit next turn.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSixFiveFourThree Lives,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly Player: monk12
Name: Heinrich Hamster, Level Five and a Half Nazi Hamster Mecha
Status:Inventory:Wounds: [HP:175/200] |
Fractured Chest! |
Gnawed Face!Skills: Cleverly Named Extra HP Buff! Hamster Ball of Doom! Hamster Warren! Adorable Nazi HamHam! Exploding Minions! Giant Teeth! Cheese Berseker! Player:Name: DINOHITLER, CHIEF OF ALL EVIL
Status: -1 to dodge, -1 to face, -1 to movement
Inventory: spare moustache
Wounds: [HP:135/250] |
FRACTURED RIGHT LEG! |
FRACTURED GUTS! |
SEVERED FACE! |
[Severed Guts! |
Bleeding Skull! |
Severed Left Leg! |
SEVERED BRAIN!Skills: Made of Evil,
Total War,
Mediocre Painter,
Stupid Evil.
RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Roman Legion: 173 left
Flying Emu Squadron: DEAD
Stingrays: DEAD
edit: missed a space
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 248678 times)