TURN FIFTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time and nearly a month ago, Archimedes of Syracuse, Archimedes of Syracuse (or did he just bump his head?), Davy Crockett, Paul McCartney, Steve Irwin and, for some reason, three two Erwin Schrödingers, are outside Schrödinger’s box filled lair, facing off with Hugh Grant, partially DinoHitler’s mum. Their mission? To assassinate Hugh Grant, and thereby save the other Earth from DinoHitler’s evil reign! There are also some frogs.
Somewhere in the jungle…
The megafrog is confused. One minute he was tearing at
Davy Crockett’s guts. The next minute Davy Crockett’s face was flying off. And then both Crockett and Crockett’s face disappeared in a whirling tornado of smoke. And the minute before that he didn’t even exist.
He sat and croaks to himself for a few seconds. It usually helps him think.
… … … … … …
Davy Crockett is confused, staggering from the nearly-knock-out face-severing blow of Schrödinger’s cat. Hiding in the smoke billowing up from his feet he is safe from further attack, but what about his blood? It’s escaping at tremendous speed, spewing forth from his face and his arm. Medicine isn’t his thing – it’s not really manly enough to cure severed arms, it’s far more practical to turn his wounds against his enemy in some probably repulsive manner – but even he can guess that he’s close to passing out like some kind of… some kind of foppish East coaster? Northerner? European? Non-Texas-lover? Who knows. He needs a plan. Fast.
Mediarm sprinkler*2 + heal self. Also, double power of maths.
Archimedes is confused. Or possibly
Archimedes is confused. He’s not sure. These are dire times, thinks the famous mathematician. Some of his friends are dying, and Archimedes can do nothing but watch. Twice. Probably. Not that he is able to see anything, with all the smoke and blood and frogs and such. He needs a plan. Fast.
Luckily he has one!
”Hey, Archimedes, you take that side!””Ok, Archimedes! And you take that side!””Ok! Prepare arm for firing!””Arm prepared!””Ready? Aim at the smoke, I think Crockett’s in there somewhere! This is totally guaranteed to save him! Fire!”There’s a bit of a whooshing sound.
”Ooh. Hmm. This feels interesting. Gosh.”…As one of the Archimedes aims and fires his water/bandage elemental armcannon at where he imagines
Davy Crockett to be,
…so does the other time travelling (or merely fictional and head injury-related, who knows?) Greek.
One blast of water sucks inwards.
And the other sucks outwards.
And suddenly they join!
A towering column of wet bandages shoots right up into the jungle sky. Suddenly the water disappears with a tremendous bang, showering bandages over many square kilometres of jungle! The bandages float gently down to the ground, catching here and there decoratively on the jungle canopy like a mad doctor’s Christmas.
The smoke enveloping Davy Crockett seems to have disappeared. Instead, he is now hidden in shadow.
Giant crotch-shadow.
The giant crotch-shadow of
MEGAMEDES, DRESS WEARING WATER ELEMENTAL OF SYRACUSE!”Crikey, mate!”…The sudden change seems to have caused Archimedes and Archimedes, now become one great big Megamedes, to totally forget about all that other healing stuff he/they wanted to do.
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Tackle Hugh!
”Crikey mate!” crikies
Steve Irwin, nonchalantly smacking his giant frog into the ground with his manly fists.
”Well, that’s the power of maths, eh?! Crikey! Now behold the terrifying power of the Flying Emu!”Not even stopping to take a run up, Stevo launches himself directly at Hugh Grant’s jaws, hoping to clamp them shut and disable the hideous Englishman!
…Alas! Steve Irwin flies straight into Hugh Grant’s face, piercing the skin and tearing the muscle and penetrating the bone! He looks totally stuck in Hugh Grant’s face, mate!
”Crikey mates!” comes a muffled cry.
”Help me out there, will you? I think I’m bloody well stuck!”There’s a few brief seconds of indistinct grunting.
”Oh well, I may as well try to tackle the feisty bugger whilst I’m in here,” yells the intrepid professional Aussie. Wriggling around inside Hugh Grant’s face, Stevo manages to
…completely split the face into two! On one side of the neck there is suddenly the head of Hugh Grant, and on the other, the head of DinoHitler’s original mum!
Steve Irwin falls down the crevice between the two separated heads.
He totally slices the terrible beast in two as he falls towards the ground! Suddenly, through the power of quantum physics and Australia, not one but two beings stand before the astonished bowienauts.
On the left, Hugh Grant, Master of Floppy Hair!
On the right, DinoHitler’s mum, Mother of the Most Evil Fiend the Universes Have Ever Known!
Stevo is lost for words as Hugh Grant runs towards him, arms outstretched and upper lip quivering.
”Stevo, you bastard! For once I was happy! For once I felt like I had found my place! I er… the… um… I say…”Suddenly a cat smacks Hugh right in the face, knocking him sprawling to the ground!
Use {Master of Cats}
> Heal Davy Crockett!
> Fire Catsploitator at Hugh!
"I missed!" says
Erwin, as he reloads another kitty into his sleeve and takes aim.
"Pow! Yeah! Take that, Hugh Grant, you floppy-haired devil!" Hugh Grant falls to the floor before he can violently assault the semi-naked Australian.
"Right. So. Um. What was I doing? Oh yes! Cats! Oh, but first! You, calculate the blood pressure at the carotid artery. You, go distract anyone wanting to hit me. Me, let's finish this... Wait… are there three of me? Or two? Or… um…"Erwin Schrödinger looks distractedly about him; he looks up at the sky and down at his feet. He looks at the newly separated Hugh Grant and DinoHitler’s mum.
"Hmm. Very interesting. Right. Cats. Here, kitty kitty kitty! Attack, my pretties, attack! Here, kitty kitty kitty!!"…Suddenly Erwin Schrödinger summons the cats. All of them! Cats fly towards him from every direction: quantum cats, possibly real cats, interdimensional cats – all the cats! Small cats. Fat cats. Black and white cats.
"Oh bother.”There’s a strange inwards sucking of noise and cat as the flying vortex of cat creates a miniature black hole and then –
"Miaow.”In Erwin Schrödinger’s place there is suddenly a superdense quantum cat!
"Miaow!”He ambles over to Davy Crockett and rubs himself against the terribly wounded man’s leg.
"Miaow!”"Say! Are you… Are you Erwin Schrödinger? Or… his cat? ”"Miaow!”Paul McCartney wields his clayboard, lifts it high in the air... and drops it to his feet.
He holds his guitar around his chest and strums strumming.
He hums the start of a tune, then looks up at Hugh Grant!
"Oh, bugger," Paul McCartney mutters, in his cheery Liverpool accent.
"My eye! I do hope I don't have to replace that with a speedo too. Although it does sound like a cracking idea and one that is very much likely to come to pass. Er, right, Hugh Grant. Is he still dinoHitler’s mum? He certainly doesn’t seem too pleased with our Steve."Paul McCartney, bruised and bloodied, walks slowly out of the thorny bushes. He stumbles up in front of the suddenly separated Hugh and dinoHITLER's mum, and upon seeing the battle going on around him, gains a sudden epiphany. He plants his feet apart and addresses the confusing melee.
"Come on, now, boys. Is this really what we're going to do now? We got a who knows how many foot tall halfdinofrogcat chasin' us, and an enormous dinomomma tragically defused from Hugh Grant, a fellow floppy hair enthusiast! I think I hit an epiphany just now about what we're doin', and you all oughtta hear me out. You too, Hugh." Paul McCartney wields his clayboard, lifts it high in the air... and drops it to his feet. The resounding clang puts a stop to the sound of battle probably still going on all around him. Everyone turns and stares.
"You tell me: what are we? Well, we're Bowienauts, jumpin' through time and fixin' the timeline. But more importantly, we're fighting violent, terrible critters like the Chairman and Speedostalin. We solved all our problems up to now by chopping off their heads and hoping for the best, hmm? And whadda we do when we find a new problem like this? We're conditioned. Conditioned to start hitting it with beams and blades and guns and arms in faces." He holds his guitar around his chest and strums strumming.
"I ain't sure that's right. At the very core, we're just one of many groups, fighting for their place in time and space. Others like the commies and the socialists enslave their populations and take over through violence. Is that really what we wanna do to poor ol' Hugh Grant? Because now I'm not so sure. The way I see it, either I die here or go back to my hometown eventually and try to carry on the Beatles legacy without Lennon. No matter what happens, I don't wanna be known as the guy who lost his heart to senseless war. I'm a peace loving hippie, feck it all." He hums the start of a tune, then looks up at Hugh Grant!
"And ol' Hugh, you sure you wanna fight us? Is that even worth it? I mean, we could help you. You’ve been quantum disconnected by Stevo and now we could get you back to England where you belong. I've got a feeling. I've got a feeling that death isn't the only way this could end." I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
No no no, oh no, oh no
Yeah yeah I've got a feeling yeah
"I don't know about you guys, but I ain't fighting anymore. Do what you need, but I'm just going to stand right here and play my guitar." …Paul McCartney successfully plays his guitar!
”I say, Paul,” says Hugh, suddenly, his voice breaking a little with the emotion of the moment.
”You’re totally right, old chap. There I was, all taken over by my maternal instincts but, you know, we don’t need to fight! I don’t even know if I’m still DinoHitler’s mum anymore!””Hugh!” says DinoHitler’s mum.
”You can try all you want, but you can’t deny the truth, Hugh! You can try to forget, but you can’t erase the past! You know what we had! You know the happiness we shared in that box! You know how warm and lovely it was to be fused together as one! You’re a parent now, Hugh! DinoHitler’s part of you! And you’re part of him, Hugh Grant! We’re both a part of DinoHitler!”Hugh Grant drops to his knees.
”Noooooooooooooooooo!”He sobs, covering his hands with his face.
”WHAT HAVE I DONEEEEEEEEE?!”Fire the White Speedo at Hugh!
And just like that
Davy Crockett is no longer confused. He’s hit by the bright white light of clarity. The artefact from Stalingrad! The bright white Speedo of Lumithos that he’s worn faithfully since that fateful day in the filth-ridden ruins of communism’s dream! It could help. It
must help.
He wonders how to work it.
He realises he knows, deep down and instinctively.
He wonders how to pull his trousers down with no arms.
He realises he doesn’t need to. Some deep and inner part of him knows he doesn’t need to reveal it.
It can reveal itself.
It is the white Speedo of Lumithos.
He just needs to get to his feet.
He just needs to find the strength…
He just needs to ignore the pain, and the bleeding, and the frogs… just long enough… just long enough to activate the Holy White Speedo of Lumithos…
…Suddenly Davy Crockett straightens up on both feet. He thrusts his crotch directly at Hugh Grant with all his might!
His trousers disintegrate with the sheer holy force of Lumithos!
His groin begins to glow!
Soon nothing is visible to the naked eye for miles around except the atomic glow of Davy Crockett’s Holy Speedo-clad Lumi-crotch!
It fires!
A beam of Lumi-joy shoots forth, smacking Hugh Grant to the ground, and a crack in the heavens seems to open apart, from whence speaks the seeming voice of a
mighty god!”HUGH GRANT! BE HAPPY! FOR THE BOWIENAUTS HAVE SAVED YOU FROM A LIFE OF DINO-HELL! YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE FIT IN! YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE YEARNED FOR THE CHIC AND LEAFY PARTS OF LONDON! YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER AGAIN SEEN THE GREEN AND ROLLNG HILLS OF LOVELY ENGLAND! YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN DRIZZLED UPON BY INCESSANT RAIN FOR DAYS ON END UNTIL YOUR DYING BREATH! HUGH! I, LUMITHOS, SPEAK THUS! BE HAPPY!”Davy Crockett sinks to his knees with the blood loss and blinding light.
”CROCKETT! I AM NOT FINISHED! LISTEN UP! STOP BLOODY BLEEDING! YOUR TIME HAS NOT YET COME! YOU ARE DAVY CROCKETT! KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER! YOU CANNOT DIE FROM MERE BLOOD LOSS! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF FOPPISH EAST COASTER? NORTHERNER? EUROPEAN? NON-TEXAS-LOVER? CRIKEY, MATE! NO! HERE, LET YON WOUNDS BE HEALED BY THE MIGHTY HOLY POWER OF THE HOLY SPEEDO OF LUMITHOS! AND NOW! ARISE, SIR DAVY CROCKETT OF LUMITHOS, HORROR-KNIGHT OF THE WILD FRONTIER! ARISE AND STOP BLOODY DYING!””Er… Ok then!”Davy Crockett, newly knighted Horror-Knight of the Wild Frontier, Chevalier of Lumithos, Wielder of the Blinding Crotch, gets to his feet. He feels remarkably well.
He looks down to his severed arm.
It’s stopped bleeding!
He tries to look at his severed face.
It’s a bit tricky to look at his severed face, but he can at least feel it’s stopped bleeding!
The… er… um… I…
”Wow! Gosh! I say. You know, that god thing there was right! Paul, you were right! I should be happy! No longer fused with my beloved dinosaur, I can finally leave her and return to my blessed native England! I can revel in the drizzle! Lounge in the luscious damp greenery! Drink proper beer!”Hugh seems momentarily lost in silent and joyous reverie.
”Oh wait. I say, chaps. I think DinoHitler’s got away! Bugger!””Oh, crikey mates!””Hahahahahahah!” laughs DinoHitler’s mum
”Hahahahahahah!”There’s a fizzle and a buzz and a short burst of static before David Bowie comes online in the bowienaut’s bowie-earpieces.
”Um. Dudes. There’s just been a transinterdimensional jump. DinoHitler has escaped. My evilometer is overloading! We’ve got to get you out of there! Bring Hugh and Schrödinger’s cat with you! Get to the TVC15 that’s deploying half a click to your south!””No!” cries DinoHitler’s mum
”I can’t let you go! I can’t let you destroy DinoHitler! My son!!””No!” cries
Archi Megamedes,
…punching his watery fist through DinoHitler’s mum’s face.
”I can’t let you stop us! I’ve had enough of this DinoBollocks! It’s time to put an end to DinoHitler once and for all! Let’s go, men!”
A few minutes later…
”Right chaps!” says the Magnificent Timelord, in the warm safety of the Orbital Space BowiePod.
”I’m glad you’re safe. Shame DinoHitler got away, but it was always a risk. Unfortunately defeating DinoHitler with time-shenanigans didn’t work, so there’s only one thing for it.””No!””Yes. I’m afraid so, men! You’re going to have to storm DinoHitler’s DinoNest in person. But the evilometer is getting dangerously high readings! You’re gonna have to go fast.””Well, what are we waiting for! DinoHitler + (Archimedes*2) = (Archimedes*2)!””Not so fast, Megamedes, dude!” says Bowie.
”The DinoNest is the most dangerous place on Earth! Even though with every passing second DinoHitler gets stronger, I can’t risk sending you in in your current state! You must all let my medics see to you. You must all level up. And you must give me time to start summoning further bowienauts for replacements reinforcements for when you die in case you need them.””Crikey mate!””Exactly Stevo. Exactly. Now, let’s head to the medical bay. Please tell the medics exactly what you want healing – and be precise, we’re only gonna have time for one shot at this. Any uh… enhancements you want to keep, or any full body transformations you want undone, please be very clear. My medics can get a bit carried away at times.”The Timelord and the bowienauts head over to the medical bay to get patched up before the final showdown.
”And oh!” adds David Bowie, handing each of you a brown envelope.
”Here, take these – make sure you choose a new level up before you go! I don’t know if it’ll help, but you can probably expect to find a lot of DinoNazis and cunning traps down there, but so far our scientists haven’t been very exact on the intel. Sorry. All we know for sure is that so far no one who’s gone in has come out. Except in, you know, squishy bits.”Back in the Orbital Space Pod.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:None.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Four Veteran Crocodile Hunter
Status: Naked.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100]Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Four Veteran Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. -1 to eyes. Covered in blood and sick.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Stabbed Out Right Eye!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Four Veteran King of the Wild Frontier
Status: Naked. -1 to legs. -1 to face.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmlegface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Leg! |
Severed Face! |
Severed Right Arm!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll! You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10 – this one’s basically here for storage, unless Megamedes is detransformed.
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Four Veteran Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Dressed. -1 to Leg. -1 to Movement.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Stone Leg!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Megamedes of Syracuse, Level Four Veteran Philosopher Water Elemental. With like two brains or something.
Status: Elemental. Going to have to think about this one.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Stone Leg!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin – this one is basically here for storage unless the cat gets detransformed.
Name: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist
Status: One of two Schrödingers!
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. IWounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Catsploitator,
Master of Cats,
Theorist of Uncertainty,
Master of Uncertainty,
Sickly Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Four Quantum Caticist
Status: Cat – look, this isn’t quite finished…
Inventory: FurWounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Cat,
Cat Sized,
Schrödinger’s Cat,
Cat,
Boxes Name: Hugh Grant, Level Four Englishman
Status: Hugh Grant - not finished either…
Inventory: Floppy HairWounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Floppy Hair,
I… er… the um… er,
LAZERDEATHEYES,
Englishman’s Dodge,
English Aww, and there I was, at the beginning of the turn, about to let 10ebbor10 have two identical characters for the remainder of the game...
Stand by for Level Ups as soon as I can do them!
Also, sorry for kidnapping Turn Fifteen and replacing him with a book. Didn’t realise it had gone on for so long.
Also, apologies for rushing this out and not quite finalising Megemedes’ (10ebbor10: if you want to split back into Archimedes (and maybe Archimedes), that is of course ok – Megamedes would have the same general skills but possibly balanced to take into account his being a water elemental), Schrödinger’s Cat’s, and Hugh Grant’s stats/skills, I will sort these out when I do the level ups post, I hope, which I will do as soon as I can. Please feel free to RP and also clarify which wounds you would like treating (or which items you need replenishing!) in the meantime, I might do these as you post. Or I might not.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249190 times)