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[Remalle]

I recently received an acoustic, six-string guitar and I've never played guitar before.  So, I have a couple of questions.
First, how long does it take for callouses to form and how long do they last?
How different is an acoustic guitar from an electric or twelve-string?  Will the callouses from playing my guitar still, uh, work?
How much of what I learn on guitar would transfer over to a bass?  Would I have to form new callouses?
I tune my guitar using GarageBand and I've noticed that as my notes decay they start to get sharper.  Is that supposed to happen, or is my laptop microphone somehow at fault?  Or am I just really, really bad at tuning?
Does it matter how I place my capo, up or down?
Do I really need to use a pick?  Finger picking is a lot easier, more accurate, and sounds just as good if not better, since I can more easily control my volume.  Will I be able to learn to do this if I use a pick?
I've been teaching myself for the last couple of weeks, from books and the internet.  Will I ever need to find a real teacher?
And, perhaps most importantly... how soon will the ladies start throwing themselves at me? 

[Carrion]

Callouses over time will form depending on how much you play.  You can also just slide your fingers up and down the strings while pressing against the fretboard.  This works well if you have roundwound strings (the usual type of strings that squeak when you move your fingers over them, most non-nylon string acoustics use these strings) because there is more texture.  Once formed, they will last a long time, especially if you play.  Over time they will start to weaken, but we're talking weeks of not playing.

Steel string acoustics differ a lot from electrics in many ways.  Because I think you are asking about fretboard action, and not about the other stuffs, I will focus on that.  The "action" on an acoustic will be higher than an electric.  This means that the strings are strung slightly higher off the fretboard, making it harder to press down.  Starting on an acoustic will build finger strength so switching to playing an electric will not be an issue.  All the same muscles are used and your callouses will be the same as well.  It is similar with a twelve string.  The difference is that you have 2 strings for every note.  When you press down to play a note, you will press two strings.  These strings are tuned to play the same note either in unison, or in octaves.  What results is a "chorus" effect.  Again, if you learn on a 6 string, a 12 won't require much overt change, just subtleties.

A bass is a guitar.  The difference is the fretboard is longer, the frets are bigger and the strings are bigger.  This allows the bass to play the octaves below a "regular" guitar.  Again, it won't require a great amount of re-learning, but rather just re-adapting to the new setup.  Your callouses will be pretty much the same, they are versatile callouses.  Though, if you finger pick the bass, it tends to tear up your fingers pretty well, so you will eventually form a callous for that. 

Is the gradual sharpness audible, or are you noticing it because you are watching the tuner?  If it's not audible, I wouldn't worry about it.  If it is, and it's really obvious, then something is funky.  It could be that the strings are vibrating against something, or the neck is shifting but that seems strange.  I doubt it is your microphone.  How many cents does it go sharp?

Depending on the capo, it is merely a matter of preference.  Just make sure it is covering all the strings and that it clamps with enough force to ring a clear note.

You don't have to use a pick.  Do whatever is comfortable for you and whatever fits your style.  Though, I would recommend trying out as many things as you can when you are just starting.  That way you know what suits you best.  To learn to fingerpick, you've got to finger pick.  You can also use a hybrid technique which allows you to hold the pick between your index finger and thumb while picking with you middle, ring and pinky fingers.  But that's a little advanced.

When I started learning, I was teaching myself.  It was fine, but I decided to start taking lessons a few months later and my abilities improved much more rapidly.  I was amazed.  So, for me, it was positive, but that doesn't mean that it will be positive for everyone.  I think a lot of it has to do with personal preference and willingness to learn and practice as well as the person you are learning from.  I would, if I were you, do some trial lessons before you commit to signing up for full lessons.  That said, there are a lot of fantastic guitarists, present and past, who taught themselves.

I have yet to have any ladies throw themselves at me because of my guitar skills.  But that's just me.

[Onlyhestands]

I would definitely recommend a teacher once a week if affordable, you will learn much quicker. Callouses do develop fairly quickly if you play often enough. Also my personal rules for practice, handed down from my instructor are
1. Use a metronome.
2. If you didn't listen to rule #1 go back and read it again. Playing with a metronome is a godsend to helping with your rhythm. (Hint, play 1 time at a comfortable speed, then play as slowly as possible, then play more quickly.
3. Practice boring things first, scales, diatonic circle, arpeggios, syncopated rhythm exercises, finger stretching exercises, if your fingers don't have a good reach yet.
4. Practice your songs, and sight-reading if your trying to learn to do so and so on.
5. If you get frustrated with the metronome at any point take a brief break, and then turn it back on. Don't get mad and leave it off.
6. Play with other people as much as possible, play as many styles of music as possible, even if you cant stand it.

I play Bass (also keyboard). Some of what you learn on Guitar will transfer over(learning the fretboard, whatever music theory you learn, how to stretch your fingers) but not all of it. Of course a major part of guitar playing is strumming chords which isn't feasible or nice sounding on bass 99% of the time (sometimes a few power chords or playing octaves does sound nice on a bass).

A bassist usually will either play behind the music playing root-fifth if the genre demands it or else a more involved bass-line based on the chord intervals, the key the song is in and usually the pentatonic scale, or getting more advanced with things like diminished scales, altered scales and so on. Bass-lines are also often somewhat repetitive, just like many guitar rifts which is both catchy, and helps other musicians out playing the song.
Little Rant:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Just a pet peeve of mine is when a guitarist(usually a sucky one) tries to show me that my instrument is some easy toy because he thinks hes a great bassist due to him being able to play play eight note roots of the chords (and its always with a pick too, nothing wrong with a pick necessarily but still...). These are usually people who have no clue about what key the song is in, intervals, or scales other than the major scale.

[gumball135]

Carrion did a great job of answering your questions, I'll just add in a bit more stuff.

First, how long does it take for callouses to form and how long do they last?
Carrion explained this well; I just want to add that you should stop playing when your fingers-tips start to hurt. You'll get some really messed up callouses otherwise, as I learned the hard way. They were actually so flaky that they began to catch on the strings while I was playing. Also, on some guitars the action is ridiculously high, making it very difficult and painful to press down the strings, so you might want to have it lowered by someone who knows how.

Do I really need to use a pick?  Finger picking is a lot easier, more accurate, and sounds just as good if not better, since I can more easily control my volume.  Will I be able to learn to do this if I use a pick?
As Carrion said, it depends on what you're looking for. I myself think it's better to use both, so that you don't limit yourself in any way. One of my old guitar teachers only used his fingers; I use a plectrum and fingers in equal amounts. It's personal preference, really, although if you want to try out fingerstyle guitar, of course you'll have to use your fingers.

I've been teaching myself for the last couple of weeks, from books and the internet.  Will I ever need to find a real teacher?
I think a good teacher can really benefit you. But as with every profession, not all teachers are great at what they do. You'll come across some people who have about as much a clue as you do, and who'll just give you printed tabs from simple chord songs every lesson and tell you to learn them. (Personal experience. I finally realized that she was a rubbish teacher when she was trying to show me how a particularly challenging chord should sound, but couldn't because her fingernails were too long). But my next teacher was great, and really helped me to improve quickly.
TL/DR; I think teachers are worthwhile, but only if you can find a good one. ALSO, continue to learn things by yourself at home even if you do find a teacher. You'll progress twice as quickly.

And, perhaps most importantly... how soon will the ladies start throwing themselves at me? 
Two months tops Although, a request; please, please don't become a cocky show-off. People will always respect a bit of modesty. Don't be afraid to showcase your skills, but at the same time don't ever get a big head, and don't look down at/try to one-up your fellow guitarists. Mumblemumble. It isn't a competition, after all; we're all just music-lovin', instrument playin' people doing what we enjoy.
Did I mention that I hate cocky show-offs?

Oh, and practice every day. Preferably with a routine.
Here's a good website, although there're probably more out there: http://www.justinguitar.com/

Best of luck, hope I helped slightly.

[Remalle]

Thanks for all the help, guys.  The help was helpful.