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[chaoticag]

It's been almost a year since my grades at college have gotten bad enough that I could no longer attend. Even before then I think I was starting to show signs of just not caring.

I feel like I cannot do anything, or that, one second, I'd have an idea, but when I put it in motion, I just lose my drive for it. Even then, starting something has been pretty rare. Whenever I'm not talking to friends, I might feel like I'm a waste of a person.

I'm not sure what to do, or what I can do, and I think I need help, but have no idea where to look.

[LordBucket]

I'm not sure what to do, or what I can do,

What do you want to do?

A) Nothing, particularly. That's the problem.

Ok. So do nothing. Why is that a problem?

B) I want to do X

Ok. So do X. What's the problem?

C) There might be things I want to do, but I either feel incapable or undeserving of them.

Ok. Then it's a self esteem issue. Go to a mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say out loud that you're worthy. Mean it. Believe it. Go to sleep every night repeating to yourself "I am worthy" over and over until you fall asleep. Do this for at least several weeks.

and I think I need help, but have no idea where to look.

What kind of help do you want?

I feel like I cannot do anything, or that, one second,
I'd have an idea, but when I put it in motion, I just lose my drive for it.

If you feel no drive to do things because deep down you believe they're a pointless waste of time and you only feel like you "should" do them because other people expect you to...there's nothing I'm likely to be able to tell you to inspire you to feel good about doing things you believe are pointless. If that's the case, the maybe the problem isn't a lack of drive, but rather, that you're trying to convince yourself to do things you believe are without value. My advice would be to stop trying to get yourself to do things you believe have no value and go find something that you feel does have value.

If you feel like you "cannot" do the things you want to do, and believe are worth doing, then, again...it's a simple issue of self perception. Adjust that self perception so that you perceive yourself as a worthy, deserving and capable person. Then you will find it easier to do these things that you want to do.

[chaoticag]

Thanks, It's mostly that I do believe that there are things I'd like to do, and are worth doing. Just when it comes to them, I don't seem to be able to get very far down the road with them.

Self-perception prolly is a part of it, but it also feels a lot like not having the willpower to follow things through.

And I'd rather not do something that'd get me weird looks should someone walk into my room. I have it to myself, but no one knocks to get in. That, and I tend to feel least crappy before bed, since that's about when I can talk to people stateside.

[ChairmanPoo]

 Even if now you can see reasons for what you're doing, remember that you got into college for a reason. Trust your likely clearer-minded past self and keep going forward, even if you have to crawl your way through. Eventuallt there will be light at the end of the tunne. You're not alone. Many people have a bad time in college. Don't despair, it gets better, but you have to keep yourself at it.

[Dwarf]

The question is whether you're fine with being a failure, and how big of a failure you're willing to be.

[Rex_Nex]

Chaoticag, I'm in nearly the same exact position as you. I'm looking forward to the replies in this thread, but I'll try to stay out of it so everyone tailors their answers towards you specifically.

Its actually kind of nice to see this thread (no offense) because of how much of an issue I've had it with today specifically... its nice to know other people are going through it... *sigh*

[chaoticag]

No offence taken. Hopefully, you'll be able to find something in this thread to help you out. Hell, I'd encourage you posting about what you're going through too. Better than keeping quiet about it in my opinion.

The question is whether you're fine with being a failure, and how big of a failure you're willing to be.

I'm not fine with being a failure, but after feeling like I've failed so often, it can be a bit hard not thinking it's inevitable.

Even if now you can see reasons for what you're doing, remember that you got into college for a reason. Trust your likely clearer-minded past self and keep going forward, even if you have to crawl your way through. Eventuallt there will be light at the end of the tunne. You're not alone. Many people have a bad time in college. Don't despair, it gets better, but you have to keep yourself at it.

This here being the problem. On a mental level, keeping at it seems almost impossible. Nothing seems to have staying power.

[Dwarf]

I'm in the exact same situation as you, I think. Well, perhaps not as bad. We like to build castles in the air, and then we abandon them quarterways in.

The secret, I think, is to accept that, quite frankly, things don't just work on their own. Hardly anything is as easy as we'd like it. It requires effort.
Accepting this is the first step, embracing it the second.

[Vector]

I dropped out, but was able to come back later.

This is what I did: I kept track, throughout the day, of every little thing I did that might be considered good--everything that worked me a little bit closer to my goals.  Since my social skills were so bad that I was terrified of talking at all, I counted things like greeting people I knew or talking for a couple seconds with a cashier; in other words, I tried to keep a realistic eye of progress.  Whatever was hard counted.

Then, at the end of the day, I folded a paper crane for each act.  My deal with myself was that this last thousand good acts was the timer before I'd be able to kill myself, but I barely made a dent before I'd filled an entire two drawers of my school desk and covered the surface with a bunch of paper cranes, and ended up feeling kind of proud the moment I stopped going through my day on autopilot.  I also kept a notebook in which I wrote three things about myself that I liked every day.  Often, it was just stupid, petty stuff.  "I have great ankles."  "I didn't emotionally manipulate x today."  "I'm alive right now."

JoshuaFH also told me to smile at myself in the mirror at the beginning and the end of the day, and oddly enough, that worked, too.  So did keeping a diary to reflect on everything that happened (mostly bad, but there was some good).

For me, it wasn't about sticking to one thing for a long time.  I basically alternated between four easy things, and did them whenever I remembered.  Slowly, things really changed.

[Biag]

Listen to Vector. She knows her shit.

As for help, there are plenty of phone numbers you can call. Find a therapist, preferably recommended by someone whom you trust and who knows you well. Make sure that the people who care about you most know that you're dealing with a problem, even if you don't want to be specific about what that problem is.

But remember above all things that, no matter what decision or circumstance or unlucky dice roll made you unhappy, you have the power to bring yourself to a good place again. Every day when you wake up, walk straight to the mirror and say, "I can do this. I can control this." If it feels silly, say it again. If it still feels silly after a few times, count on your fingers five things in your life you have done that made you feel proud or in control. Next week, count ten. If you can't think of enough, stand in front of the mirror until you can, no matter how long it takes or how petty they might seem.

I hope this helps. I've been there, and as truly awful as it is, it does get better.

[chaoticag]

I hope it's not true, but this might be my last chance to be online for a while. I'm tired of being pushed around by my mother. She threatened to throw me out. I'm locking myself in my room. I've had it with her emotional blackmail.

[dragginmaster]

We are the choices we make.

I do not know how to got to where you are, only you know where it is you want to be, and only you can make the choices before you to get you there.

We all fail. Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Joe the Plumber. Our failures do not determine the person we are, What we do after failure does.

[The Fool]

Do you have a problem concentrating on something after starting something? Personally if I start something I stop working on it after a few hours, and almost never return to it unless I really need to. I also have a hard time starting assignments, and attending classes, which is painful in university.

I have ADD, and there are also associated emotional disorders (depression, bi-polar disorder, etc.) associated with it. It might be worth a glance, even if it is a bit of a long shot.

[Il Palazzo]

Been there. What I did was pressing the berserk button to disable any second thoughts, and moving abroad, where I got the first shitty job I could find, rented a shitty room in a shitty house, and tried to grow up a bit. Lots of embarassments and swallowed pride followed as shedding the skin of a social outcast and actually working with other people doesn't come easy. When you're on your own, however, there's not much of a choice. In time, there comes a new-found pride in one's independence and resourcefulness, constant amazement at how matter-of-factly can you deal with whatever comes up, and how every little improvement you make seems exhilerating.
After a while you might find out what's really worth getting into, you'll start seeing higher education as a way to improve your life and not as a chore, and decide to start studying properly.

[King DZA]

Perhaps you need a purpose? I've found that it can greatly help motivate people who have begun feeling generally apathetic toward life.