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Author Topic: A most curious acquisition  (Read 6725 times)

saltmummy626

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A most curious acquisition
« on: December 24, 2011, 07:17:35 am »

I recently came into ownership of a very interesting creature. this is no giant of bronze, no seven headed or fire breathing lizard, nor is it a huge creature with two heads, one eye, hairy with the head of a bull, or just of unusual size. I have become the proud(?) owner, of an elven princess. while I would know what to do with the prior mentioned critters, I am at a complete loss as to what to do with this one. should I trade her away to the goblins? they are certainly eager to take away the other creatures I give them. should I put her cage in the great dining hall and force her to dance for the citizens entertainment?

basically what happened is this, my fort had no enemies. even the goblins were peaceful trading partners (who sent new diplomats to my fort a lot because apparently, the goblin leaders kept getting killed.) so, out of boredom and not wanting to resort to other types of fun that I know I could not stand up to, I decided to start some shit with another race. humans? no, the humans are good people who provide me with booze and fish. the goblins? that would be the obvious choice, but something in my head said no. the goblins dont seem to bring mush to the table in terms of trade, but they do bring in a bit of exotic foods and hides. the elves? why not, I hate goddamn elves. uppity bastards always telling me what to do with my trees, telling me my people are uncouth barbarians. hypocritical bastards. fine, the elves it is. I butchered a few of their caravans, seized goods, and generally acted the fool. and so begins a glorious war. war where I am losing almost nothing to these panzies.  one bright spring day, a large force of elven archers moves is spotted south of the fort, right up against the wall, so I order my troops out into the courtyard to fight them and the general riff-raff into the dining hall to weather the admittedly minor storm. the elves round the bend into my trap hall where they clash with my militia. only two elves and a camel escape the fray, one dies of blood loss, but the other and his mount manage to escape with minor injuries. another force is spotted just as im ordering my militia to stand down. again they clash and again they succeed in defeating my foes. now It must be said that I have captured quite a few elves. about seven live elves, and one who died when he fell into his cage. after inspecting my unit list, I find that one of these elven captives is a member of the nobility. oh joy. so currently I have this elf maiden, by the name of "Obe Elanaametha" set up for display between a cyclops and a giant eagle.

and now we come to the point of the whole story, the "TL'DR" if you will. what should I do with her? what would you do with her? I dont want to just throw her into magma, or crush her under a cave in. I want something that is long, drawn out, how do you say... entertaining? also, anybody else ever get any interesting nobles caught in cages or met/defeated in battle?
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Russell.s

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2011, 07:23:12 am »

I vote you keep her alive! Undwarfy sounding maybe, but just imagine...

Build a special den her for. Strip her of all her clothes. Ensure the den looks out via windows onto: a wood stockpile, wood burning furnace, your dining room full of drunk, naked dwarves, an arena where you force various captured wildlife to fight with some hideous underground monstrosity that you've captured, and the butchers.

And elves live forever, so there shall be no end to her torment!

[edit] you could also include the bottom story of a 3-4 z-level drop trap looking onto her den, so that when her fellow elves break their limbs invading your fort they can crawl around in agony in front of the princess.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2011, 07:27:33 am by Russell.s »
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King DZA

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2011, 07:28:18 am »

Offer her as a sacrifice to me. In that shrine dedicated to my glory that you and everyone else always build in your fortresses.

Gukag

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2011, 07:44:17 am »

throw her in a 1x1 pit filled with cats (or just 1 female cat, same thing), place a hatch cover over it. Keep her there until her combat skills are vastly improved and there is only an apathetic quivering pile of scars left. Then runehack her into your fortress.
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I am Leo

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2011, 10:01:52 am »

I vote you keep her alive! Undwarfy sounding maybe, but just imagine...

Build a special den her for. Strip her of all her clothes. Ensure the den looks out via windows onto: a wood stockpile, wood burning furnace, your dining room full of drunk, naked dwarves, an arena where you force various captured wildlife to fight with some hideous underground monstrosity that you've captured, and the butchers.

And elves live forever, so there shall be no end to her torment!

[edit] you could also include the bottom story of a 3-4 z-level drop trap looking onto her den, so that when her fellow elves break their limbs invading your fort they can crawl around in agony in front of the princess.

I'm so proud to be a part of this community.  This is the true spirit of Armok.
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imperium3

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2011, 10:05:09 am »

NO! Don't be evil! You just captured a princess, after all - it's the stuff of fairy stories.

I suggest imprisoning her in the tallest tower/deepest dungeon of your fortress, with accomodation that is comfortable but secure. Then fight off all the pansy elf heroes trying to rescue her.

Also you could use runesmith to force her into marriage with one of your nobles. But keep her locked up!!
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Andreus

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2011, 10:45:10 am »

I'm seeing a disturbing amount of elf-hate in this thread.

Need I remind any of you unbelievers what an elf can become?
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Wannazzaki

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2011, 10:54:45 am »

My view of this all thing? HotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsortHotElvenConsort
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Loud Whispers

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2011, 10:57:33 am »

Danger room train her skills to legendary.

Put her on a spire surrounded by menacing spikes.

?!??

Mortal Kombat.

Wannazzaki

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2011, 10:58:29 am »

Danger room train her skills to legendary.

Put her on a spire surrounded by menacing spikes.

???

Mortal Kombat.

'd be closer to Skullgirls..
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Son of Slaanesh, full of desire, He does cocaine and his head's on fire! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider! Doom rider! Na na, na na!

Urist Da Vinci

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2011, 11:41:54 am »

Did you confirm that this elf princess is in fact a she?

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=92422.0

Wannazzaki

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2011, 11:49:32 am »

Did you confirm that this elf princess is in fact a she?

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=92422.0

All elves are female. well known fact. Some go through a brief period of hermaphrodism long enough to breed.
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Son of Slaanesh, full of desire, He does cocaine and his head's on fire! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider! Doom rider! Na na, na na!

King DZA

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2011, 12:10:16 pm »

A sacrifice to me would be appreciated regardless of sex, so I'd still say that's the best route to take...

Wannazzaki

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2011, 12:19:03 pm »

A sacrifice to me would be appreciated regardless of sex, so I'd still say that's the best route to take...

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN THAT GENDER SHIFTING ELVES ARE EROTIC!?

Now i'm doing referencing American Dad i will give a valid suggestion.

I'd turn them into a zoo. What else is more exotic to a dwarf and his family than the polar opposite of the species? I'd love to have a pet giant amoeba, this is basically what this is! Well, with more salcious curves, pouty full lips and an ass you could bounce a penny off but the point stands, the dwarves don't like that sort of thing. Not stocky, hairy, alcoholic or insane enough for eroticism. Why do you think tentaclebeasts get more dwarven action? Logic!
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Son of Slaanesh, full of desire, He does cocaine and his head's on fire! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider! Doom rider! Na na, na na!

Loud Whispers

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Re: A most curious acquisition
« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2011, 12:25:44 pm »

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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