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[NRDL]

Do all the above then shave your neckbeard....with a chainsaw.

Do this, along with the spicy breakfast. 

[Gatleos]

Hurrying out to the garage, you grab a jar of nails and head to the kitchen. Once there, you find a plate of bacon and eggs! You promptly mash them together in a bowl, smother it with chili sauce, and begin wolfing it down as fast as you can!

OH GOD IT BURNS

You reach for a bottle of Tabasco sauce, hoping to cool off. Your mouth feels like it's on fire!! You pass out from pain! You wake up to find your mom standing over you.

Mom: "Stop fooling around, honey, you have to get to work!"

You suddenly realize that you don't own a chainsaw. That needs to be remedied as soon as possible... but you don't have the monies!
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[NRDL]

Go to work in your car ( or your mom's car if you don't have one yourself ) and engage in a high speed chase with the cops.  Crash into the wall of the building you work in.  Do you work ( whatever it is ) with an extremely gung-ho attitude, fending off any threats, including the cops. 

[lawastooshort]

You are a manly lumberjack; it should be easy to obtain a chainsaw in your line of work.

[Gatleos]

"Mom, can I borrow your car?"
Mom: "Oh, alright. Drive safe, sweetums!"

You head back out to the garage, start the car, and start driving to work. It doesn't take long for you to come across a parked police car. Alright, this is it. Your first moment of badass! You lightly bump your car into the police cruiser. The officer gets out of the car and starts walking toward you! You promptly piss your pants.

Cop: "License and registration, please?"
"Oh God, please don't send me to jaaaaaiiiilll!"
You toss your license at the officer and cower in your seat. He looks at it, back to you, then gives it back.
Cop: "Relax, kid, you're not in trouble. Just drive more carefully, okay?"
"THANK YOU SO MUCH"

You lose some badass points.

The rest of the drive isn't too notable. You arrive at Jack in the Box, ready to start your day at work! You head inside, and are immediately greeted by your boss, Frank.

Frank: "MELVIN! You're late again! Get your pansy ass behind the counter, you've got work to do! Oh, by the way, I'm gonna need you to work late tonight. Bitch."
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[Zako]

"Bitch? The only reason I'm late is because the cops decided to pull me over! And your the bitch here for asking too much of me, and like hell I'm working late. I'll only do it if you pay me properly for it. Otherwise, stuff it up your ass. Asshole."

[NRDL]

"Bitch? The only reason I'm late is because the cops decided to pull me over! And your the bitch here for asking too much of me, and like hell I'm working late. I'll only do it if you pay me properly for it. Otherwise, stuff it up your ass. Asshole."

[Tack]

Melvin isn't badass enough for that yet. He'd probably pussy out- wordswise. Need something that takes less cocky calm and more adrenaline...


Punch him in the jaw.

[Zako]

Riiight. And that is just so much less hard to do mentally. Just verbally bitch slap that man. It's not only easier but makes you feel good as well.

[Gatleos]

"Bitch? The only reason I'm late is because the cops decided to pull me over! And your the bitch here for asking too much of me, and like hell I'm working late. I'll only do it if you pay me properly for it. Otherwise, stuff it up your ass... Meany."
Frank: "Hmm. About time you grew a pair, kid. Alright, you're gettin' overtime pay tonight. Now get behind the counter."

You piss yourself a bit more, but have a net gain of badassery!
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[Tosca_cake92]

Now, proceed to knock off a few piles of paper. You know, to shake things up a bit!

[Strife26]

Stare at a 23 degree angle away from the fourth wall and reflect on the dream. How exactly was it Chuck Norris and not someone more deserving? Like Batman, or the guy from the Transporter, or Bruce Lee, or Reagan . . .

[NRDL]

Now, proceed to knock off a few piles of paper. You know, to shake things up a bit!

[Tack]

Now, go grab a hunk of ice from the cold room and chow down on that.

[jetex1911]

Now, go grab a hunk of ice from the cold room and chow down on that.