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[Gatleos]

It's Time.

Sends shivers down your spine every time.

Huddled in the cold, dark safety of your basement, you bask in the soft glow of your TV. The credits of Invasion USA (your all-time favorite movie) slowly scroll past. Smiling to yourself, you shut off the VCR and crawl under the covers. It doesn't take long for your smile to fade.
Nothing feels the same anymore. You just can't shake the feeling that something is... missing. That you're destined for something greater. You just need a sign... But it's no use dwelling on such things, Chuck knows you've already spent too long daydreaming for your own good. Feeling a little resigned, you sigh, fold up your thick-rimmed glasses and drift off to sleep.

"I just... want to be..."

You find yourself in a hazy, moonlit field, littered with countless bloody corpses. Struggling to your feet, you come face-to-incredibly-hairy-and-muscular-chest with a towering, luminescent figure. The man places a strong, dextrous hand on your shoulder and gazes down into your eyes.

"What's your name, kid?"

[Sinpwn]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

[Pandarsenic]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

I could support this.

[Roboboy33]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

I could support this.

I support.

[V-Norrec]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

I could support this.

I support.

Or Melvin Kickmyass for short sir!

[Strife26]

Winston Smith

[Mullet Master]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

I could support this.

I support.

I agree. Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu should celebrate this most fortunate event by putting on his lucky purple with yellow stripe PANTS OF GREAT WINDBREAKING.

[micelus]

Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

I could support this.

I support.

Supported.

I agree. Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu should celebrate this most fortunate event by putting on his lucky purple with yellow stripe PANTS OF GREAT WINDBREAKING.

[Gatleos]

"His Chuckness!! I, uh... uh... Melvin Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu."

"...You're kidding, right?"

"...Uh..."

"I thought the heir's name would be a little... snappier. You're going to have to come up with something more heroic-sounding at some point."

"Heir?"

"Yes. You have been chosen, Melvin. Have you ever felt out-of-place? Like you didn't belong here? Like there was something greater out there for you?"

"Yes!!"

"You are the next in line, Melvin. You are destined to become the Supreme Ambadassador of The Pantheon of Badassery. For millenia, we have protected this planet from ninjas, dinosaurs, cyborgs, vampires, zombies, Nazis, communists, gangsters, politicians, demons, terrorists, aliens and several combinations of the above. You are next in line to lead them all. You must take my place. Become a badass, Melvin, rise in the ranks of badassery until you are powerful enough to defeat me and take my place. Only then will you have fulfilled your destiny."

"But, where do I start? What do I do?! Guide me, Chuck!"

"That is your decision. You must complete this quest alone. We're all counting on you, Melvin. Don't let us down. OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. By the way, breakfast is ready.





Mom: "Wake up, Melvin, breakfast is ready!"

You rub your eyes, put on your glasses, and scratch your neckbeard. Looks like it's time for breakfast, oh boy!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Your quest begins here! To gain balls and level up your badassness, you must perform badass actions. Be swift, the Pantheon is counting on you!

NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[Olith McHuman]

Mix in hot peppers with your breakfast until it is painfully hot. Wash it down with a bottle of tabasco sauce.

[NRDL]

Mix in hot peppers with your breakfast until it is painfully hot. Wash it down with a bottle of tabasco sauce.

Even better, eat nothing BUT hot peppers, coated with tabasco sauce, heated with the temperature of a nuclear bomb, laced with gunpowder. 

[Krath]

Push aside the cereal that your mother prepared, instead pouring nails into a bowl. Without any milk. THEN add copious amounts of hot peppers, and wash it down with tabasco sauce.

[NRDL]

We're just gonna keep trying and out-badassing each other's suggestions aren't we?  If so. YEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!

[micelus]

Do all the above then shave your neckbeard....with a chainsaw.

[lawastooshort]

Defeat the attacking ninja horde THEN:

Do all the above then shave your neckbeard....with a chainsaw.