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[Frelock]

Fun fact: originally, the author had the book's title as Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, but then received a cease and desist order, and thus changed the name to Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries.  However, this fortunately cleared up a little misunderstanding, as before there were maxims, they were rules, which led to the Maxim you quoted being known as Rule 34... Note that our dear author made that one up in 2004, slightly before the origin of the more commonly known rule 34, if know your meme is right.

On topic, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to sacrifice the blood of the guilty.  I wonder if I can do it while the target is still alive...

[monk12]

Just keep murdering until your god is happy- statistically speaking, you're BOUND to run into a guilty victim sooner or later!

[HighEndNoob]

Meta: Stop hovering, like an idiot
Fantasy: Throw a 'splode on impact knife as a parting gift.

[IronyOwl]

Continuing to portray you people as the "good guys" is a fun exercise in creative writing.

Ah, there's my new sig.

Just keep murdering until your god is happy- statistically speaking, you're BOUND to run into a guilty victim sooner or later!

Huh. It's true- there was no penalty or problem mentioned with the blood of the innocent.

[Beardless]

Fun fact: originally, the author had the book's title as Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, but then received a cease and desist order, and thus changed the name to Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries.

Huh. I had wondered about that--I'd heard quotes from the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates" before and wondered if I was misremembering. (Yes, I'm on an archive binge too, but much slower than yours. It's been a week and I'm only a few years in.)

I'm kind of surprised Tayler actually obeyed the cease and desist. After all, as a recent OOTS strip reminds us, parody is protected speech! And this is one of the clearest cases of parody I can think of.

Huh. I wonder if this episode was an inspiration for the "shoot attorneys on sight" contract, or if it came afterwards?

[monk12]

Fun fact: originally, the author had the book's title as Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, but then received a cease and desist order, and thus changed the name to Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries.

Huh. I had wondered about that--I'd heard quotes from the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates" before and wondered if I was misremembering. (Yes, I'm on an archive binge too, but much slower than yours. It's been a week and I'm only a few years in.)

I'm kind of surprised Tayler actually obeyed the cease and desist. After all, as a recent OOTS strip reminds us, parody is protected speech! And this is one of the clearest cases of parody I can think of.

Huh. I wonder if this episode was an inspiration for the "shoot attorneys on sight" contract, or if it came afterwards?

From what I've read, the author went along with it because he kept coming up with new rules, such that it didn't really fit well under the number 7. Plus, he now has the ability to put out merch with it.

[Gatleos]

...Internet trouble.

[RedWarrior0]

...Internet trouble.

Yes, yes, procrastination is one of those troubles the Internet causes, isn't it?

[monk12]

...Internet trouble.

Yes, yes, procrastination is one of those troubles the Internet causes, isn't it?

ba-dum *tish*

[Gatleos]

Welcome to the lazor gauntlet.

Also, this. OOOOOOHHHHHHHH...

**********~
Turn 95
**********~

META TURN:

Possibly arachnids.

Goals
Find the keycard stations.

Current Soundtrack
Potential For Anything

Actions

RW: Welp, I think its time for me to gain a new ability.

(...) You feel like you can play the guitar a little better now. Don't ask me how.

RW: Find ammo, then.

(...) You wade out into the laboratory and find four lead paperweights inside a floating wooden desk.

Meta: Use telekinesis to carefully float my way to the center of the room

(...) You rocket past the center of the room and fly head-first into a red button labeled "activate laser grid". A grid of, surprise, lasers suddenly activates and the room is filled with (presumably lethal) panning laser beams!

Meta: Tweak the odds, and get our companions together.

(...) You flail around in the hallway, ineffectually.

Meta: Stop hovering, like an idiot

(...) You stop hovering, making sure to do so in an idiotic fashion.

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derek L.
Occupation: Video game Developer/designer.
Location: Engineering Lab, Deck M3
Currently: Noooooothiiiiinnnnng.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Splint | Bottle of Painkillers | Metal Spear | Keen Helmet | Leather Gloves | Pencil x4 | Guitar | Coffee Mug | Marshall Coburn (commanding) | Micro Mecha Spider (commanding)
Wounds: Heavy Burns
Abilities: Code Expert | Neckbeard | NERD RAEG
Player: Frelock
Name: Frederick Stephonavich
Occupation: Actuary (Knowing probabilities of things)
Location: Engineering Lab, Deck M3
Currently: Floating.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Laser Dagger | Cheetah Arm
Wounds: Missing Arm
Abilities: Uncanny Prediction | Actuary's Lament | Tweak the Odds
Player: monk12
Name: Monk
Occupation: Troper
Description: Characteristically wears nice hats. Top hats, pirate hats, fedoras, you name it. Hopefully still has one in his possession.
Location: Engineering Lab, Deck M3
Currently: Making life hard.
Inventory: Moist Top Hat | Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Plasma Rifle | Balloon Animal
Wounds: Broken Rib | Nosebleed
Abilities: Applied Phlebotinum | TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life | MacGyvering | Telekinesis | Pyrokinesis
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: Kyle Hammers
Occupation: Janitor
Location: Engineering Lab, Deck M3
Currently: NOT hovering.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Mop | Rubber Gloves | Medkit | Power Cleaner | Wheelchair | Burlap Sack | Spray Can | Gas Mask | Bucket
Wounds: Missing Legs | Triple Head Bumps | Blind
Abilities: That's The Power of Pinesol, Bitch! | Clean Freak | Custodial Might | EMT | Digitigrade Legs | Telepathy | Clairvoyance
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: John Freeman
Occupation: Drill Sergeant
Location: Engineering Lab, Deck M3
Currently: Loading his arm cannon.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | 1/2 Jumpsuit | Turban | Unicorn Band-aids | Glass Shard | Fake Ammo Belts | Caruso Shades | Cheetah Arm | Spacesuit | Arm Cannon | Paperweight x4
Wounds: None
Abilities: Major Payne | Fullmetal Jacket | Apocalypse Now
Name: Marshall Coburn MkII Combat Droid
Description: A giant mechanical spider made of smaller mechanical spider parts. It was fitted with an advanced AI routine and can now talk. It also has a self-powered eye-laser taken from the remains of Xenocalamus.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Eye Laser | Web Shooter

Group Attacks
Impromptu Singalong
Spur of Conflagration to Giga Lazor

Locations
The S.S. Periclase
Main Deck
Deck 2
Maintenance Deck 3, Main Elevator
Maintenance Deck 3, Living Quarters
Maintenance Deck 3, Engineering Lab
EARTH!
Elevator Controls
Interrogation Room 7E-365 (Deck M3): You were all shackled to chairs in here when you woke up. The door has been dropkicked off its hinges. There's circuitry on the walls, a row of monitors, and a row of 5 chairs.

Spoiler: INITIATING RTD ROUTINE (click to show/hide)

FANTASY TURN:

What happened to Elica, anyway...?

Goals
"KIDNAP THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND ESCAPE" Complete!
Throw Ogomspoxom into the fires of Mt. Helmath! Complete!

Current Soundtrack
Whites of Their Skulls

Actions

FW: Water blast Goddamn everything, Grab MY GODDAMN NECRONOMICON, AND GET TO THE SHIP.

(...) The horde of undead envelops you as your hand scurries off with the book, so you decide to water blast your way to freedom! (...) A jet of water shoots from your hands, propelling you away from the pile of zombies! You land softly on the ship's deck.

"Come on, then! Raise the sails! LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!"

FW: Heal myself.

(...) You pull out your bar of soap in an attempt to clean your wounds. The soap slips out of your beard's grasp and slips down your throat! You're choking!

Fantasy: Find the controls of the airship in order to provide close air support to my friends. And by "close air support", I mean splatter zombies like bugs on a windshield

(...) You lunge for the ship's controls, but Bloodbeard grabs you by the collar and glares at you.

"If anyone's plowin' through the sea of vile undead, it's gonna be me!"

He then pulls a ghostly ripcord next to the steering wheel. A loud rumbling can be heard from the lower decks!

Fantasy: Use awesome lich-regenerative powers.  Take blood from a nearby corpse if I have to.

(...) All the nearby corpses seem to be trying to kill you. You are ambushed by a bunch of sprinting goblin corpses! You activate your Penance Vision^TM, and are pleased to discover that the crowd of zombies is lousy with the wafting aura of wicked deeds! You promptly sink your teeth into the closest one, ripping open its chest and spilling its blood! The blood evaporates and your arms feel as good as new! Suddenly, an epicenter of glowing wickedness flies by and lands on the ship, nearly blinding you!

Fantasy: Throw a 'splode on impact knife as a parting gift.

(...) You pull a throwing knife out of your pocket.

"Hasta la vista."

You toss the knife directly at agent Passedrims! (...) He easily dodges the throwing knife, which sticks in the ground behind him.

"You don't have the speed, human. I can-"

BOOM!

An eerie, glowing red hand climbs onto the ghostly Elven agent's shoulder. He raises the Necronomicon in the air and begins speaking in strange tongues. The undead seem to get even more restless!

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derm Hell-binder
Occupation: Elemental Mage/Summoner.
Location: Mysterious Ship
Currently: Spewing blood.
Inventory: Robes | Spiffy Hat | Keyring| Chattering Fangs (commanding) | Sword | Armor | Blank Parchment
Wounds: Heavy Burns | Missing Left Hand | Very Heavy Bleeding | Faint
Abilities: Gift of the Magi (...) | Squishy Wizard | Summoner (...) | Water Blast | Superheat | Tectonic Shift | Lightning Rod
Player: Frelock
Name: Frelock Von-Heisenberg
Occupation: Luck-o-mancer (Manipulating probabilities of things)
Location: Fortress Gates
Currently: Exacting bloody vengeance.
Inventory: Gold Coin | Peasant Robes | Golden Pocket Watch | Map of Westport | Long Sword | Armor | Spring Shoes | Elica Larifera (commanding)
Wounds: Missing Leg x2 | Black Eye
Abilities: Accident Waiting to Happen | Befuddlement | Legsplosion | Greater Legsplosion | Armsplosion | Lich Curse
Player: monk12
Name: Edgar
Occupation: Sky Pirate
Location: Mysterious Ship
Currently: Letting the adults take care of everything.
Inventory: Sleeveless Long Coat | Grappling Hook | Harpoon Gun | Bloody Arrow | Case of Booze
Wounds: Right Forearm Missing | Left Arm Missing | Very Heavy Bleeding | Faint
Abilities: Booze Power (...) | Terraphobia | Side-quest Radar
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: HighEndNoob
Occupation: Ninja Sniper
Location: Mysterious Ship
Currently: Tossing s'plodin' knives.
Inventory: Robe | Throwing Dagger x18 | Musket | Musket Ammo x18 | Sword | Tattered Shirt | Leaf Barrel
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Heavy Bleeding
Abilities: Immaculate Aim | Clumsy Fighter | 'Splode On Impact
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: Urist Anvilsmasher
Occupation: Soapmaker
Description
Location: Mysterious Ship
Currently: Choking!
Inventory: Cave Spider Silk Robe | Cave Spider Silk Shoes x2 | Bar of Kitten Tallow Soap | Battle Axe | Bamboo Pegarm | Stone Arm | Ozurlidod | ≡Silver Warhammer≡ | Legchucks | Rat Bone Splint
Wounds: Missing Arm x2 | Broken Toe | Heavy Bleeding x3
Abilities: Dabbling Surgeon (...) | Meager Social Ability | Martial Trance | Prehensile Beard

Locations
Ashiorid
Hellfire Cove
The Borealis
Condition:
Sunk
Westport
Mayor's Ogomspoxom's Former Manor
Forest Retreat
Nolsmustul, Goblin Fortress

[HighEndNoob]

Meta: Find a new cleaning utility.
Fantasy: It's 'Bout time for a new ability. Only one without one.

[Dermonster]

RW: Go into the lab and deactivate the lazers with hacking prowess.

FW: BOOK, HAND! THOU ART MINE! I CALL ON THEE! ON MY NAME YOU SHALL NOT LEAVE! I am Derm Hell-Binder. My will be done. Summon book and hand using blank parchment as reagent/anchor. (Last attempt I promise.)

[_DivideByZero_]

RW: Shoot what there is to shoot. Otherwise, gain improbably aiming skills.
FW: Pull the soap out with my beard, then heal HEN then myself.

[monk12]

Meta: Using all the ingenuity and loose lab equipment available to me, MacGuyver up a mirror suit that will reflect laser beams away from me!

Fantasy: Perform Heimlich maneuver on Urist if necessary, then explore the ship


EDIT: I came up with my mirror plan before I read the laser hallway trope page, I swear it!

[Frelock]

Meta: Continue towards our goal!

Fantasy:Slice and dice evil zombies, sacrifice blood

In the name of Zutshosh Gatolgasol, impure souls of the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen.