I'm supposed to drive a few hours to see my mom, and also my brother who lives an hour away from her. I thought they lived closer to each other.
And then I got a call from my dad's SO because I also promised to visit them today (Last week - I forgot). And I just locked up like I used to back in college, just... couldn't speak. She offered to call me back and I just gratefully accepted.
And like - I feel pretty good, right now. But that's because I got drunk and social again last night. I'd just been feeling so afraid and lonely, and particularly anxious about today's trip, so I had a modest amount of rum and rambled on with cool people online about cool stuff. And that was *fun*, and I remember it... mostly. Why can't I just do that sober?
Why can't I do *anything* right now? It's not like I have a headache, but I feel so *drained*, emotionally and physically. Like I just got home from a week-long visit. Like the idea of seeing anyone hits this big plastic barrier.
I continued a chat with my brother from last night, until he mentioned cooking for me. Then I stopped. And mom called but I didn't answer.
And dad's SO wants to come pick me up, and is calling back soon.
I do like that she calmed me down a lot by discussing a gross blister on my dad's foot. Not being sarcastic, that actually helped me return to the conversation. I can chat about stuff! I like stuff! I get bored and lonely and enjoy talking to people!
But I have to tell them that I *really* can't see them in person right now. It's going to go really poorly if I force it, and I obviously shouldn't be driving like this.
Ugh, I need professional help. I'd been putting it off, but my excuse for that is running out.