Life is just so full of fear. I have learned so much that should scare me, but I don't think it does. Not anymore. I know that a meteor or comet or asteroid could hit the earth at pretty much any point, instantly ending life as we know it. Or we could be caught in a gamma ray burst or some other cosmic event that just rends the surface of the earth. The Yellowstone could erupt, obliterating the United States and covering half the planet in ash. A virus could crop up that just wipes out the vast majority of humanity. Aliens could come and kill us all for our precious biosphere. The sun could blast out a solar flare that roasts most of the atmosphere off.
It's really not that scary to me anymore though. Why should I be afraid? Because I might die? Everyone dies. Death is just the grand finale. Pain? I'm not afraid of pain. Pain is my constant companion. I have a broken hand and I have for several years now. Pain reminds you that you haven't had that grand finale yet. It's nothing to fear. It's not a malicious force, it's a benevolent guide, trying to warn you. What else should I fear? Nonexistence after death? Not frightening to me. Rejection? Hah. I'm GOOD at getting rejected. Maybe I should fear something that is traditionally considered a good thing. I fear success. I fear companionship. I fear love. I'm afraid of being remembered long after I am dead. Why?
Success would mean I have something to lose. Companionship would mean someone was close enough to hurt me. And love is absolutely horrifying. I can maintain my state of mind, my logical control of myself, under the most insane circumstances. I can control my mind until the point at which I black out, under the most potent of drugs. I know because I've done it. A lot. I've had practice at it. Maybe that sounds like an empty boast to you. Go ahead and believe that, I don't care. I know it to be true. But love? Love can shatter all that. Love can make me lose what I value most in my life. My free will. I lose the ability to choose. I can't NOT fight for love. It's irresistible. Love can actually hurt me. Nothing can hurt me right now, because I have no love. I can feel pain, and be upset, but it's not hurt. That scares me.
Being remembered after I was dead is existentially concerning to me. I don't want to be that two-dimensional character in the history book that only did one thing worthy of notice. Fame is two sentences to a bored student in two hundred years. Fame is two questions on a multiple choice test about 'Turn of the Century American Figures'. Fame is gross and blatant misrepresentation of your life, of all the work and sweat and blood and tears that went on in your life. It's a joke. A sick, stupid fucking joke that so many people are so in love with. Why would you want to be remembered like that? I don't care to be remembered by any but those who knew me personally.