You're clearly not happy about the state of affairs. You're tying your financial future to this person's. You need to say how you're feeling, even if it risks "making her unhappy." From man to man, people generally do not like having their faults pointed out even when there is every reason in the world to do so. In my experience, women especially do not like hearing it, especially coming from a man. But if you can't legitimately say how you're feeling in a calm and loving manner without it being met by emotional dramatics (going off to their room to cry it out, anger, silent treatment, depression, emotional manipulation ("If you loved me....This is hurting me so much....I'm trying so hard.....")), then you're already in a toxic relationship of one kind or another. Or maybe just a very immature one.
The things you should be able to do that make up an equitable relationship are:
-the ability to say how you're feeling and be heard. (Not suppress your legitimate feelings and issues for the sake of someone else's mental health.)
-the ability to set boundaries. ("I don't want to live in a house where I have to step over half done and forgotten things.")
-the ability to have expectations. ("I expect you to meet your end of our agreed financial obligations and household chores.")
If you feel unable to do any of those out of fear of making her unhappy, if any of the above behaviors are seen, or if it doesn't result in an adult ass conversation about your relationship particulars, then you're supporting an inequitable relationship continuing on as much as she's not meeting you halfway. You're ultimately accepting it all. And that will come back to bite you, even if you don't remain with this person.
It is a sad reality that finances often supersede feelings and equality, and people who are way behind in life will use others to gain back ground. (Or continue the behaviors that got them where they are, at other's expense.) In a healthy relationship, that's supporting each other. It's given freely because you're investing in your shared future. But this is why many people require someone to have financial stability before agreeing to be in a relationship with them, or at least draw firm boundaries between their finances. Because STARTING a relationship with someone already on shaky financial ground is a huge risk.
It sounds like you're rescuing her to me and that is a recipe for disaster. Consider couples divorcing and how, once the relationship is over, the gloves come off and assets are taken even if maybe they're not really entitled to them. "It's over so I'm going to get mine." Some people do operate in actual relationships with that mentality as well. Think about it. People are lovey dovey until they're not getting what they want right? You're not getting what you want. Consider that what the two of you actually want might be different deep down. You might want a 50/50 partner (ie. the modern girlfriend/wife.) She may want to just be taken care of, not have responsibilities and just coast. To just be blunt, yes, some people will like you simply because of the life you can afford them instead of who you are, for richer or poorer.
People that have less will often feel entitled to things of people that have more. I had a roommate like that, who never got anywhere beyond a minimum wage job so he'd cut all sorts of corners with society, friends and acquaintances. It's called dirt bag behavior and even seemingly nice people will do it.
I don't know you guys and what you have with each other. And I hate to put more unpleasant possibilities in your head. But every time you post about it I'm seeing more and more red flags of someone who is using you. If the exchange works for you, then I'll shut up. But you're not posting in the Happy Thread, and it sounds like you expected a 50/50 relationship and don't feel you're getting it.
Much like the person I was interested in recently SAID the most amazing things but DID almost nothing, and people had to tell me to wake up and see what was before me.....I'd advise you to do the same. In my case, I got the adult conversation I needed to know where things stood.
For yourself, figure out what your boundaries and expectations are, and state those as calmly and lovingly as you can in a serious conversation. And if she can't handle having that conversation or abiding by your boundaries and expectations after you've been clear about them...then I would start thinking about an emotional and financial exit strategy. Remember: you're choosing to accept responsibility for her happiness, mental health and financial stability. Don't let a feeling of guilt or obligation for her situation cloud your judgment. You're not responsible for the life she had, and you have every right to equality in the life you're going to help her have. I'm not preaching from the pulpit, I'm doing it from the congregation because I've done plenty of that in my own time. As my lesbian coworker always likes to tell the guys "Don't be Captain Save-A-Hoe." She doesn't labor under the same illusions that guys do, with our cultural and biological imperatives.
There's some awful man/woman dynamics takes on social media, but there is one I like: "Women hold power over sex and reproduction. Men hold power over commitment." Consider that if, tomorrow, you decided to end the relationship you'd still end up in a better position than she would. The power dynamic between you is pretty lopsided and by agreeing to cosign loans for assets with her, what you're effectively doing is evening out the power dynamic at your own expense. The more of that you do, the worse off a position you're putting yourself in if this relationship does end.
Like, is the situation that you have a car and she didn't so she felt you HAD to cosign a loan because of her bad credit, so she could have a vehicle and that would balance out the power dynamic between you? Do I have that right? Because if so.....bro, that's sus enough to make my hair stand up. If this is the one vehicle between the two of you, that makes a little more sense.
Last thing....if she doesn't have a job or isn't actively looking for one then I can, with almost complete confidence, say that the things you're unhappy about are going to get worse before they get better. The honeymoon is over and you're getting down to the brass tacks of this person you've connected to.
Good luck. Having been down the rabbit hole on relationships so many times in the last ~year, I can empathize with the emotional stress and energy it involves.
Author
Topic: Things that made you go "WTF?" today o_O (Read 14569570 times)