I realized that I seem to target two things in life: being nice to people, and doing whatever the fuck I want/not giving a fuck. How the hell am I aiming for two things that seemingly contradict each other? I realize there's other things to being nice, but not giving a shit about (among other things: social norms beyond the basics, fashion, relationships) is at least selfish.
I've noticed this because of that guy who called me handsome I met in uni, a friend. He regularly says that I "don't give a fuck", but a few times, he did say that I have this "genetic kindness" about me. "Genetic" here probably means "inherent/ingrained", but you get the point. I seem to lack the ability to even tell that I'm not caring about "advanced" social norms (why else would I keep unashamedly breaking them?), yet I'm doing something that in part requires me to care. While not diametrically opposed, these two goals often conflict.
Which brings me to how I conduct myself on Bay12. Now, I cannot and refuse to judge myself on how I behave on here, since I am my own worst critic, so any self-judgements will be inaccurate. I can, however, say that I try to be nice. Whether you think I actually am, I'll leave that to you. I try to be kind first, before doing what I want. With the uni friend, I do what I want first, then be kind later.
It's like my personality switches modes, and prioritizes either kindness or "doing what I want" depending on the situation. It seems that it's selected by the personality (by averaged/"cultural" personality, for groups) of the person. Interesting. I suppose that's how I resolve the cognitive dissonance of doing both at the same time, and it helps with adapting to the social environments I find myself in.