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[juicebox]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

I know that you re new to our military, and have little to no battle experience, and I know that fighting a troll for the first time can be scary. But the next time I send you to fight a troll, don't run away like a little pussy and allow one of my legendary masons to die, especially if you're going to come back and kill the troll in one hit.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer

[Derro]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

I know that you re new to our military, and have little to no battle experience, and I know that fighting a troll for the first time can be scary. But the next time I send you to fight a troll, don't run away like a little pussy and allow one of my legendary masons to die, especially if you're going to come back and kill the troll in one hit.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer

It's still better than my recruits, who decided that when standing at one side of a trap-filled hallway with goblins approaching from the other end, the smart thing to do is charge down the hallway. Four of them didn't survive.

[Iamblichos]

Dear (Former) Urists of Silverconsults,

I agree, the undead are exceptionally frightening.  They are not only abominations against nature, but also very dangerous in an up close and personal way.  However.  I would encourage everyone to see the humourous side of a reanimated grizzly bear head skin, and not run from every corner of the fortress to pummel at it ineffectively until passing out.  I know, I know... a radical idea at best, heresy at worst.  Nevertheless, having to retire entire fortresses just because the inhabitants are unwilling to stop beating on an undead scrap of can't-possibly-hurt-you skin gets a little old.

Sincerely,

Urist McSickOfThisDamnBug, Overseer

[llasram]

Dear Urist McLeverpuller, yea I know its my fault, but try not to stand underneath a closing bridge, we couldn't even get a sock for your memorial.

[pikachu17]

Dear Residents of Fancypants,
You know we have a LOVELY bridge over the scenic waterfall. I know, I know, you want to take the scenic route, but why do you NEED to jump off the bridge and jump off the waterfall landing at the bottom and then drowning?! you're not even melancholy! you're just lucky I saw you 'fore you drowned, while I was using dfhack. funny, about that drowned kobold though!

Congratulations for your still being alive,
Pikachu17 Dragonslayer, The scourge of the goblins(and dragons, obviously).

[Repseki]

Dear Urist McHammer Lord,

How could you possibly be leading an unexciting life, you are in the military. You complain about being unable to fight when just last month you took part in the slaughter of 100~ goblins during the recent siege. You complain about being unable to craft anything when I give you half the year off and a metalsmiths workshop assigned to only you. Do you think we really need all of these random trinkets? You even complain about being away from family, when you have NO family to be away from...

Please just stop.

[gunpowdertea]

Dear Urist McGemsetter,

I can see you are walking around, admiring the furniture. The doors etc. would be even greater to behold if you would go and start encrusting all these masterwork doors, beds, tables, chairs, statues, coffins, chains, armor stands and weapon racks! What's wrong with you? You have no other labours enabled, you are wined and dined, the workshop has a bunch of jobs open, it is accessible, the building material is not forbidden, there are a ton of gems and furniture really close by - yet you still hang around having "no job". You'd better start working soon - otherwise I might send you to explore some of these interesting geological structures that poke up through the magma sea, you know, the blue ones. Alone.

Kind regards,
The Overseer.

[Roofless]

Dear mercenary militia,

I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If your bodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.

Regards,
Rocksford's overseer

[pikachu17]

Dear Falcon woman,
While we fully appreciate your efforts to fight the kea menace, why do you refuse to enter the tavern you supposedly came for? you just fly around killing keas. well, thanks anyway

Regards,
Pikachu17, King of the Damned

[Fleeting Frames]

Dear mercenary militia,

I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If your bodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.

Regards,
Rocksford's overseer

Dear Rocksford's overseer

We can dodge and charge through walls too.

Sincerely, magma-puff

[Tygroux]

To the dwarves of "BoatSteel".

BoatSteel? Seriously?
We're in the mountain, and that's not even steel it's galena you morons.
That's the last time I let you guys chose the name.


The "BoatSteel" Overseer.

Addendum:
We are a moutain fortified outpost, at the border of Succubis, Great Spider Fiend and Goblins territories.
We are barely self-sustainable, and do not have enough steel to arm everyone.
Our Main Defense is a 3 urist-thick wall and the outer minefield.

SO IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR KIDS AGAIN GO TO THEM, DO NOT INVITE THEM HERE BY DOZENS.

If I need to breach the caverns early because we ran out of food (thanks to whoever cooked our last plumps helmets... enjoy the biscuits guys!), you baby poppers will be first on the front line.
And not even with training weapons, since we run out of wood too.

[Roofless]

Dear mercenary militia,

I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If your bodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.

Regards,
Rocksford's overseer

Dear Rocksford's overseer

We can dodge and charge through walls too.

Sincerely, magma-puff

Dear latest magma-puff and other, magma-free, mercenaries,

I am really happy that you feel satisfied upon improving wrestling but it is no excuse for flying through a fortification I carefully constructed to prevent your mercenary lemming runs.
As you did not heed my wise advice, I will seal you in with three-layers-thick airtight glass windows. And I am switching your training floor from silver bars to logs, as you clearly don't appreciate it at all.

[AzyWng]

(thanks to whoever cooked our last plumps helmets... enjoy the biscuits guys!)

Dear Tygroux:

Keep the "Kitchen" tab in the fortress menu (z) in mind. From there you can set cooking and brewing permissions. Just keep that in mind for next time.

Good luck,
AzyWng

Now on to my actual article:

Dear Peasant and Lye Maker:

First off, congratulations for going to the wrong place for your skills. At least you folks are capable of learning new ones...

If you'll stop trying to pasture the animals RIGHT ABOVE YOU and SOMEHOW FAILING!

What is wrong with you? You're not even stopping to eat, drink, or sleep, you'll kill yourselves at this rate!

From,
AzyWng

EDIT: It seems the error is mine, I failed to turn off the burrow.

[Madman198237]

Dear Marksdwarves,
Thank you for not having the first clue on what a crossbow can be used for.
Not only did you refuse to fire them at the forgotten beast, you also didn't even use them as hammers.
I hope you enjoyed your head-smashing ends.
Thanks for ruining that fort. If I hadn't save-scummed, your antics would have had me trying again with exactly one dwarven child and his puppy outside the sealed fort, while they watched the caravan and diplomat turn around and leave.

[Derro]

Dear dwarves,

A simple rule of thumb: if it rains blood, don't go outside. It doesn't matter whether you think these interesting items should be picked up and stockpiled, don't go outside when bodily fluids of any kind fall from the sky. Especially not if you already did so and immediately collapsed in despair. *Especially* not if there's also half a dozen undying avians out there.