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[LMeire]

Dear Urist McMiner,

You are most certainly not stranded. I saw you climb up to that precipice yourself, you can climb down too.

PS: If you're not in the mines by the time your colleagues finish up the gold-vein, I'll bring you and the rest of the cliff down by force.

[thplonk]

To Our Militia,

Yes, he was a child with enormous potential. Yes, his artifact could have been good, even great. And yes, perhaps a little supply chain management could have prevented the senseless tragedy ending with his poor innocent body being torn to pieces by war dogs. I understand that emotions were running high.

Still.

The answer to this problem was not to split into two separate groups, slaughter the medical staff, and then fight each other to the last man.

I expect better.
- The Overseer

[blazing glory]

And then fight each other to the last man Dwarf.

Fixed it.

[Solon64]

To Our Militia,

Yes, he was a child with enormous potential. Yes, his artifact could have been good, even great. And yes, perhaps a little supply chain management could have prevented the senseless tragedy ending with his poor innocent body being torn to pieces by war dogs. I understand that emotions were running high.

Still.

The answer to this problem was not to split into two separate groups, slaughter the medical staff, and then fight each other to the last man.

I expect better.
- The Overseer

Incorrect sir, this is EXACTLY the correct course of action.  The medical staff were traitors to the crown.  As were the militia who slaughtered them as innocent civilians.  And any of the militia who killed the traitor militias.  The Great Purge was needed in the fortress, for the good of the fortress.

Sincerely, Urist McStalin

[TacoSundae84]

To the post-pubescent population of Dinnerdespair,

I realize you were holed up in the fort under undead siege for over a year, but you had plenty of work to do and I rarely saw any of you loafing about. However, you somehow managed to sneak in a fort-wide orgy in that time, and now we've had 13 babies within the past two weeks - just about one from every female who lived here at that time. While this made nearly everyone in the fort become overwhelmed with joy, this will not remain true when the next undead siege comes, and I have to send you out to chop up some zombies with babies hanging off your chests.

At this point, I can only hope the next one of you to become possessed invents the dwarven chastity belt, menacing with glass spikes for extra insurance.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer

[Gojira1000]

Dear Urist McNappy,

    While you have, in fact, been working hard for meager rations and a pair of ragged xalpaca_wool_socksx, deciding to fall asleep in the entry tunnel is neither wise, nor attractive for arriving diplomats and traders. Especially as you had your very own bed.

  Further, to then decide to sleepwalk into the loaded weapon traps nearby, spraying the assembled traders with gore and body-parts, does not enhance our mercantile discussions. In fact, the merchants and many of your fellow workers immediately vacated the area, suitably horrified.

  This is not helpful behavior.

  Yours,

   The Overseer

[krg]

Dear dwarves of Okolavuz,

I know that just last year you were not able to climb trees, but that is no call to climb every single one of them. Actually, its not that you are climbing trees all willy nilly, but that for some reason known only to Armok you are all insisting on trying to learn how to fly while you are up there. You do not have any flight capabilities andanytimein going to gain any anytime in the foreseeable future. So, in conclusion, STOP JUMPING OUT OF TREES!!! We do not have a hospital to speak of at this time and you're too injured to work. Not enough people for this yet.
So again, please climb out of the trees instead of jumping, and may your arms not be broken.

Signed;
krg

[Dorf and Dumb]

I was going to write Urist a note, but I think he's too exhausted to read it.  He kept complaining about how his back was aching from all that time he spent carrying a heavy nickel wheelbarrow to the Trade Depot.

[Mohreb el Yasim]

When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.

Dear Overseer:

Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.

If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.

It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.

Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs

Dear Mr. Datanbomrek,

I see you have a point. Our reclamation team found what may have been goblin corpses strewn about. While the team's memory is quite fuzzy and we have no idea of the cause of this, we assumed the disarray caused the goblins to annihilate themselves. We will be sure to employ this tactic much more in the future. Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Overseer

In the name of the goblin liberation movements suicide squad i must officially reject those kind of imperialistic speculations !
Our brethren have fought the glorious battle against the army of free goblins right after your site was taken. After our glorious victory our fellow soldiers committed their martyr duties to show by this act that the dworfen oppression must end!
Never be their names forgotten!
Sincerely,
Slexu-xor

[Loimulohi]

Dear Urist McNeuroticFisher

Although I understand your undying, perhaps even somewhat unhealthy love of fishing, I would like you to exercise caution in your actions while doing so. What I'm especially referring to is the case of the skylight. I am not aware of the exact circumstances that lead to this, but believe me that if I close the front gate and the fishermen's gate to the bottom of the valley and wall off the single side door we had, I have the best of reasons to do so and forbid you from going to the bottom of the valley to fish from the river.

Now I'm sure you know of this already and I'm glad that you've learned your lesson, but it would've been nice if you had not climbed out of the skylight we have in the fortress and subsequently died in the river so it would be easier to retrieve your titan-mangled body.


and to Urist McFrontlineCrossbow

I'm ashamed to say that your services in the militia are no longer needed as we prefer dwarves to pancakes. I'd still like to congratulate you on your bravery in defying orders of staying on the safe side of the fortifications and shooting the titan entering our trap and instead running headlong into the trap corridor only to be crushed like a bug.


Good riddance to both of you
-Your Most Benevolent Overseer

[Chevaleresse]

Dear  Urist McPlanter

            No, seriously, plant the goddamn seeds. We need those plants to not starve to death, and you can, believe it or not, pick up those seeds left behind in the dining room.

[ICBM pilot]

Dear Urist McSecretiveWeaponsmith,

Why did you have to go insane right before we could breach the aquifer?

[TheFlame52]

Dear Urist McSnootyKing:

You are a terrible person. One of your mandates wasn't met again (this is a two-year-old fort, stupid), so you put a guy in jail. Do you know who it was? The fucking caretaker, the guy who has no jobs but to take care of the wounded. And then you let him die of neglect in the middle of the hallway. Yes, I know, that was everyone's fault, but I feel like I shouldn't have to designate food stockpiles by the chains. But you, you snooty bastard, had the gall to be horrified at seeing his dessicated corpse. Congratulations, you are responsible for the first death in the fort. I was hoping we could have a nice, peaceful fort as the last bastion of dwarfkind, but you ruined it. I knew you were going to be how this fort died way back in year one when you declared yourself king. Time to make a coffin industry.

Sincerely and fuck you,
Flame

And now the already unhappy mayor, who was the caretaker's husband, put a bone carver in the hospital. I hope you're happy.

[escondida]

Dear Urist McSecretiveWeaponsmith,

Why did you have to go insane right before we could breach the aquifer?

Dear Overseer Icy Beam,

Arghlbaargle aieeeeeeeeee f'tang fweep fweep. Jnagkploshk. Qbgurgle, nooooooooooooo!

Sincerely,
Urist McMad

[ZzarkLinux]

Dear residents of The Joyful Land of Ghouls,
In an effort to prepare you for the future, please take a copy of the following bulletin:
Do not climb into the trees,
lest you fall and break your knees.
And please dont climb volcanic rocks,
just to path to surface +socks+.
Some undead limbs have zero mass,
so dont fight them, just build walls fast.
And please don't start a baby flood,
they'll die, and rise, and thirst for blood.
So keep this pamplet in your hands,
that you may live, in Joyful Lands.
Thanks for your cooperation.