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[thoushaltcallmelars]

Dear Obok Charmedpaddles of Lanternballs,
our very first Hunter and the only source of food for two seasons,

I overseer'd generations of dwarwenkind silently, facepalming from time to time. Even when one of our best craftsdwarves created barn owl leather dildo (true story!) I kept my silence (while purging whole settlement with water). But you... you forced me to break eons of my silence.

You.
Headshotted self.
With a Barn Owl.

Your well-placed shot mutilated that poor bird. Bird corpse fell right on you, knocking you out of consciousness. I have no gol-dern idea what prevented you from taking sidestep and/or catching it. It is not that heavy nor fast to be unavoidable. Looks like getting hit in a head with an owl corpse is a thing you desired. Why don't you join that barn owl loving craftsdwarf I mentioned earlier? Think about it while having rest in our Hospital.

Sincerely,
frustrated Hengikjoptr of Lanternballs,
the Overseer.

You sound like a reasonable being, Hengikjoptr. Perhaps your hunter would enjoy spending a time with us? We have need of bone, blood, and skin, and your hunter could do with some entertainment if he's so tired of work that he knocked himself out with falling poultry - it's mutually beneficial, all you need to do is send Urist McHunter over to us. We'll even let you have our finest cotton candy and loan you a few of our most talented clowns to sweeten to deal.

With Warm Regards, Ringmasters Shift & Seven

[Myrkky100]

Dear Urist McDecapitated,

cc: squadmates,

Please provide, in three copies, a written report on why you found the bolts stockpiled in the archery galleries and armory unsuitable for use during the latest goblin ambush and instead chose to go and get the bolts laying around outside, in the process getting your heads lobbed off and your guts pulled out.

Best regars,

The Manager

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Urist McDecapitated,

cc: squadmates,

Please provide, in three copies, a written report on why you found the bolts stockpiled in the archery galleries and armory unsuitable for use during the latest goblin ambush and instead chose to go and get the bolts laying around outside, in the process getting your heads lobbed off and your guts pulled out.

Best regars,

The Manager

Boss,

In the future, keep the bolts lying around outside Forbidden.  Then we know not to reuse the spent ammo.  Then again, it was pretty dumb of us, you'd think we'd have the common sense to not do that to begin with, eh?

Urist McGhostly

[Myrkky100]

Boss,

In the future, keep the bolts lying around outside Forbidden.  Then we know not to reuse the spent ammo.  Then again, it was pretty dumb of us, you'd think we'd have the common sense to not do that to begin with, eh?

Urist McGhostly

Yes, I know, the bolts outside had just been claimed to be remelted and I didn't declare them anathema again quick enough. I just still find it questionable that everyone literally climbed over stacks of brand new bolts conveniently placed right inside the shooting gallery to get the ones that were furthest away, outside and behind 6 heavily armed goblins.

On a happier note, the sole dwarf with the wherewithal to stay at his position and keep shooting has hereby been elevated to the esteemed rank of elite marksdwarf. The two other survivors will be decorated with the Purple Plump Helmet. Could someone help them pin the medals to their shirts as they have had both their hands hacked off?

[klefenz]

Dear Urist McMine:

The next time youre channeling someplace, please, dont dig the tile under the feet of poor Catten McMine.

Seriously, if you do it again you´re getting your own watery grave.

The Overlord.

[IronTomato]

Dear Ghostly Idiot,

I remembered how you died. If I am correct, you were incinerated in lava. You had no body to bury. Soon after the tragic accident took place, you began to appear in front of your many dwarves friends, walking through walls and generally scaring people.

Please do not do this.

~Love, IronTomato

[KingBacon]

Dear Citizens of the Stilled Hames,

Nearly everyone one of you lost either a father or a son today due to a military mistake. Please try not to panic. Apparently webs and flames are a deadly combo.
Good news though, CONSCRIPTION HAS BEEN EXTENDED. ALL NON ESSENTIAL LABORERS ARE ORDERED TO THE DEPTHS, this is not unrelated to the high casualty rate. Proceed with haste, crossbows and steel armor has been provided for you.

Regards,
Your Overseer

[wierd]

Dear Citizens of the Stilled Hames,

Nearly everyone one of you lost either a father or a son today due to a military mistake. Please try not to panic. Apparently webs and flames are a deadly combo.
Good news though, CONSCRIPTION HAS BEEN EXTENDED. ALL NON ESSENTIAL LABORERS ARE ORDERED TO THE DEPTHS, this is not unrelated to the high casualty rate. Proceed with haste, crossbows and steel armor has been provided for you.

Regards,
Your Overseer

Dearest overseer;

In light of recent events, we -- the entire peasant population of Stilled Hames-- have decided to go ON BREAK until further notice, or until conditions improve. The definition of insanity is to kee trying the same things after they have failed and continue to fail. Perhaps you could devise an elaborate death machine for our enemies instead, or some other remedy that does not involve the continued letting of dwarven blood to grease the wheels of your scheming?

-- Urist(s) McPeasant(s) cancels pick up equipment: ON BREAK

[smjjames]

To all dwarves of Lashdyes,

When mass deconstructing the up/down stairs scaffolding, please do mind the safety rules such as not deconstructing a tile is standing on, don't stand on the very thing you are deconstructing, among others. Even if I stagger the designations, there are still injuries happening. If OSHA existed in DF, it would have shut down.... um, never mind that I mentioned OSHA. The great number of injuries and the fact that I have to try and stagger the designations is slowing down work, and that fact alone would make me want to at least make it somewhat safer.

Due to the number of injuries, I've had to put the designations on hold until the injuries are at least dealt with.

p.s. I see through DT that some dwarves have infections, I think everybody will be okay, however I will endeavor to set up soapmaking. I will cure the infections of those which are in the nails, otherwise, you'll have to ride it out.

The Overseer of Lashdyes.

[TresCom]

dear cats

please stop mass produce kittens, we will butcher them.

regards

me

[Lielac]

Dear Goblin Ambushers,

Thank you for the amusement due to your not being [TRAPAVOID]. I've evidently got at least two ambushes in my system and only one visible, because I keep getting invisible people opening up the Happy Fun Spike Pit. I thought it would work!

Cheers,
Razoract

[aiseant]

Dear game,

It's very simple, really : you autosave the game in the beginning of spring. Please stop crashing at the end of winter. Repeatively.
Thanks.

Annoyed overseer.

[Lielac]

Dear stealthed goblin in the Happy Fun Spike Pit,

I can see your trails of puke.

Dear dead king,

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Dear duchess,

Why the fuck are you tantruming?

Cheers,
Overseer of Razoract

[Urist McAxedwarf]

Dear Urist McParent,

I am writing to you on behalf of the fortress' noble population and I must say we are very disappointed.

Your child, Urist McPeasant has just reached adulthood and upon inspection we can tell that there have been some significant gaps in his education. The poor lad is a dribbling fool. All he does all day is harvest plants, eat, drink and sleep.

Given your status as legendary; grower, mason and stone crafter I would expect you to have passed on some of your knowledge to your offspring. Instead you have opted to entirely compromise the poor boy's future by depriving him of any form of education and even at times putting his life in danger in situations of near-certain death (I refer you to our previous letter; "Leave your children at home during the siege").

To conclude, due to no fault of his own the young dwarf will have to be guided into a career with help from our careers advisor (yes we know he is also the militia commander) for assignment.

Yours truly,

Your ever-confused deity.

[KingBacon]

Dear Citizens of Stilled Hames,

Thank you for your resolve and sacrifices. Mass conscription has ended, though we still have work to do (mainly cleaning this mess up.) Expect mass relocation to the forges.

Regards,

Your Overseer

(PS: Apparently, the best way to prevent tantrum spirals is to increase the casualty rate rather than keep it low.)