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[Snaake]

Dear Urist McPumpoperator

I appreciate your enthusiasm for your job. I built a pump next to the ocean to both draw up some water and desalinate it and you ran right to it when I asked for someone to operate it. I even made a channel on the other end for the water to drain into after you pumped it.

However, you must have been trying impress somebody because you went at that pump like it was a freaking Olympic sport, pumped so much water that it overwhelmed the ditch, flooded onto the ground and washed you away into the ocean.

Perhaps in the next life you'll learn to take it easier.

Dear overseer,

oooooooOOOoooOOOOOOoooOOOoo

Translation: Well, we pump operators would be out of jobs if we pumped any slower than windmill- or waterwheel-powered pumps, wouldn't we? And then you'd just have even more dwarves just lazing about hauling socks back and forth.

Spoiler: advice for the future (click to show/hide)

Even if you have a ditch for the water, side walls for a few tiles (3-5) after the pump are recommended for safety, like so:
(w water source, P pump to east, # wall)

Code: [Select]

  ####
wPP
  ####This gives the water time to fall in the ditch. Safest thing to do is to not dig the ditch, but build it on the same z-level as the pump. Or have the pump 1 z lower, depending on the slopes on your beach. Or at least wall off the pumping tile, and 1 other adjacent tile with a ramp/stairs for access, and have an elevated walkway leading there.

When I was damming the stream in my current fort, I had a couple of pumps pumping from the edge of the river, then 3 tiles further out over the stream, 2 more pumps. Those pumped into midair above the source tile of the first row of pumps, and then there was another 2 pumps on the z above whose source tile was that midair water. All powered by a waterwheels about 5 tiles upstream from the first pump . I built an aqueduct that drained off the map edge at ground level, and initially had about 15 tiles of the aquifer also 1z up, but found that the water never extended more than 3 tiles or so on z+1 before falling/draining off the map. Note that the above 3-5 tiles is only valid as long as your ditch is still draining somewhere; once the reservoir and ditch are full, it will start overflowing anyway, if your pump is higher than the ditch.

[smjjames]

Dear Urist Mcdeadminer,

Okay, so you got dunked into the water after a minor cave in, but to get out you could have gone northeast up the ramp you were standing on or even gone a tile east and get out there, but noooo, you had to go 5 tiles southeast past tons of ramps and then go east, dying right on the ramp.

P.S. I autodumped your corpse and other stuff onto land so that you could at least get buried.

[Ultimuh]

P.S. I autodumped your corpse and other stuff onto land so that you could at least get buried.

Dear overseer.
That's awfully nice of you my good overseer.
Most other overseers would have left my body to rot, thrown it into lava or atom-smashed it.

[LoneChipmunk]

Dear Dwarves of Deerbasements,
     As you may have noticed, the carpet in the fortress moves, and needs cleaning. There are three things wrong with this. For one, this fortress doesn't have carpet. Two, the smell is from the animals that make up said carpet. Three, there are so many cats, dogs, pigs, cavies, turkeys, peafowl, and other animals we can't move. Haulers will be split into two groups; those that kill animals, and those that tan hides. Report to the makeshift butchery wing and start 'cleaning the carpet'
     Your Animal-loving Overseer,
          LoneChipmunk

<Seriously though. I have 262 animals in this fort. I've only bought a few, and embarked with 6. The dangers of not killing things as they spawn...>

[smjjames]

DeerDear overseer,

Perhaps you could um, pasture, the animals or otherwise cage them to prevent said situation next time?

P.S. Either one would make it easier to butcher them instead of running around trying to catch them.

Chief Butcherdwarf of Deerbasements.

[vanatteveldt]

Dear Urist McMiner,

I really appreciate that you understand the way it is in early forts, and that you chip in hauling ore next your mining duties. I also really appreciate that you understood that that piece of stone in the new burrow your were assigned to needed to be mined right now, and left your wheelbarrow filled with ore in the corridor to mine it. Finally, I appreciate your sense of duty that you returned to your wheelbarrow as soon as you were let out of the mining burrow so you could finish the hauling job.

But what on earth make you decided to *carry* the wheelbarrrow and its contents to the ore stockpile rather than just pushing it along? Did you need the workout or something?

Sincerely,

Your slightly puzzled overseer

[Iceblaster]

Dear UristMcCarpenter

While your horrifying transfiguration into a colorful pony is horrorfying, I don't care if you think that statue of a slug must go.

You have one job. Build houses. Not tearing down slug statues

[LoneChipmunk]

Dear Urist McEveryone,
      Please stop suspending work you can clearly do without problem. You all are just being lazy good for nothings. Keep this up, and I will have the miners dig greedily and too deep.
     Work harder,
          LoneChipmunk

[Larix]

Dear Urist McEveryone,
      Please stop suspending work you can clearly do without problem. You all are just being lazy good for nothings. Keep this up, and I will have the miners dig greedily and too deep.
     Work harder,
          LoneChipmunk

Dear overseer,

if we suspend work, it's _because we can't do it_. The reasons may be completely asinine, like a XSockX marked for hauling sitting in the place you want a door installed; getting totally hammered and deciding it'd be a great idea to build a wall on top of our feet is also quite popular (famous bug, you'll have to cancel the build order and designate again, unsuspending doesn't help). To get us to do it right, you have to fix whatever gummed up the jobs, building up an intense keyboard rage will be utterly unhelpful to us and you.
Work smarter, then we'll work harder.
Cheers,
your loyal (but not very smart) drunks.

[thefish1992]

Dear Depressing Mayor

Your defeatism attitude is getting on my nerves. STOP MANDATING COFFINS!
Look i know death happens, I get that, but you are depressing your fellow dwarves (why they elected you, i have no idea)
and this constant doomsaying about my fortress running skills hurts my feelings.

With (soon to be) warm regards.
thefish1992

Dear miners

I know the rock is hot down by the forges. you have told me several times of how the rock is hot their. you only ever needed to tell me once. Now i know the mayor has little faith in me, but if you just dig were i tell you everything will be fine. so if you could dig with out spamming me that would be great.

with (annoyingly) warm regards
thefish1992

Dear Gremlin

Welp, that could of gone better huh?
no idea why you thought walking right into a guardian of armok was a great idea, but watching your body fly into are fortress wall provided a much needed (and amusing) break from the fortress affairs.
I Thank you sir.

With (honest) warm regards
thefish1992

[BlackMuffin]

Dear Urist McUnhappyThinker,

When you start complaining about the rotting corpses in the hallway, I would like to remind it was specifically your job as a corpse hauler to place them in the corpse stockpile which is conveniently located just four tiles or so around the corner you're standing at. Instead of standing around and complaining, do your god damn job and actually place that elf inside the room where all the other corpses are rotting away.

THE STOCKPILE'S THERE FOR A FUCKING REASON Y'KNOW <3

Love,
Your Overseer

[ancistrus]

Dear guards.
There is little of value to be found on a glacier, but polar bears count. It takes a long time for one to bless us with its presence. They are not for you to shoot at, they are my property, tamed or not. You saw all these cages on your way to the depot right?
Long story short, you are going to die.

Dear hunter, who just immigrated and started hunting a bear and also brought 6 kids,
you are not even trying.

[Pinstar]

Dear Urist McCapitan of the guard, legendary bowyer, badass marksdwarf rare migrant with 178 kills to your name but aren't a vampire.

You are a badass, but when your dumbass squad decides to charge the goblin invasion and I tell you all to pull back, please please please pull back rather than attempting a last stand.


Oh and Dear Urist McMasons. That 1x1 hole you left in our wall that the marksdwarfs decided to charge out of?  Yeah that better get built NOW or I'm filling it with a stone slab and your names will be carved on it.

[Urist MacNoob]

Dear Urist McCapitan of the guard, legendary bowyer, badass marksdwarf rare migrant with 178 kills to your name but aren't a vampire.

You are a badass, but when your dumbass squad decides to charge the goblin invasion and I tell you all to pull back, please please please pull back rather than attempting a last stand.


Oh and Dear Urist McMasons. That 1x1 hole you left in our wall that the marksdwarfs decided to charge out of?  Yeah that better get built NOW or I'm filling it with a stone slab and your names will be carved on it.

Overseer,

You know damn well what I think of the outside world and yer ninny 'do this, do that' attitude withou'e'en pullin' yer weight. Why don't YOU get out there and built it YOURSELF? Do some'n yourself for a change, 'cause I'll be damned if I miss another beard grooming 'cause of some cowardly, whiny archers needin' their COVER and PROTECT'SHUN!

[Gentlefish]

Mason,

How about you provide your own protection? You know, from me. Because I'm haunting your ass now that you didn't want to fill a hole with rock like you were ordered and instead sat around while YOUR protection went out and got slaughtered because of work YOU neglected to do.

Yours forever now,
Sadistic Ghost McCaptain.