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[StabbyStab]

Dear roughly 20 goblins that decided to ambush the fortress just as the elven caravan arrived,

I appreciate that you went after the elves before anybody else, that saves me a few beds in the hospital for a couple of my newer hunters who decided giant bats were a delicious and plausible target at the same time as your attack, however, by the time you were finished with the elves and their animals, you should have run for the base's cage traps that exist for exactly this reason instead of the one remaining hunter that was outside.

He's one of the founding dwarves, the leader of my best military squad, a legendary hammerdwarf, a legendary ambusher, and a legendary marksdwarf. When the alert that sends everybody to the dining hall is started, he is exempt for obvious reasons. He's also wielding a solid platinum artefact crossbow with a picture of a dwarf killing goblins in goblin bone and was carrying back the corpse of the giant eagle he had just killed to the butchers. He was wearing full adamantine armor, and currently has over 80 kills to his name. Attacking him was not in your best interests.

I'll admit that things may have looked a bit better for the ~6 of you that weren't lying on the ground bleeding with bolts sticking out of vital organs when he ran out of ammo, but he's a trained hammerdwarf purely because of his love of bludgeoning things with his crossbow. You should also know that the ammo stockpile is outside to facilitate hunting, and he has access. The few of you that were still alive after the beating were hit with several full stacks of bone bolts before you expired (apparently they're not great against armor, but that didn't stop him) and left a pulpy mess on the ground.

His exploits are being carved into his newly expanded bedchamber as we speak, and this has been added several times in the engravings.

Your bones will be used for crossbows and ammunition to equip the future generations of hunters that use opportunities like this one to train as marksdwarves.

Sincerely,

The voice in the head of every dwarf

[noah22223]

Dear roughly 20 goblins that decided to ambush the fortress just as the elven caravan arrived,

I appreciate that you went after the elves before anybody else, that saves me a few beds in the hospital for a couple of my newer hunters who decided giant bats were a delicious and plausible target at the same time as your attack, however, by the time you were finished with the elves and their animals, you should have run for the base's cage traps that exist for exactly this reason instead of the one remaining hunter that was outside.

He's one of the founding dwarves, the leader of my best military squad, a legendary hammerdwarf, a legendary ambusher, and a legendary marksdwarf. When the alert that sends everybody to the dining hall is started, he is exempt for obvious reasons. He's also wielding a solid platinum artefact crossbow with a picture of a dwarf killing goblins in goblin bone and was carrying back the corpse of the giant eagle he had just killed to the butchers. He was wearing full adamantine armor, and currently has over 80 kills to his name. Attacking him was not in your best interests.

I'll admit that things may have looked a bit better for the ~6 of you that weren't lying on the ground bleeding with bolts sticking out of vital organs when he ran out of ammo, but he's a trained hammerdwarf purely because of his love of bludgeoning things with his crossbow. You should also know that the ammo stockpile is outside to facilitate hunting, and he has access. The few of you that were still alive after the beating were hit with several full stacks of bone bolts before you expired (apparently they're not great against armor, but that didn't stop him) and left a pulpy mess on the ground.

His exploits are being carved into his newly expanded bedchamber as we speak, and this has been added several times in the engravings.

Your bones will be used for crossbows and ammunition to equip the future generations of hunters that use opportunities like this one to train as marksdwarves.

Sincerely,

The voice in the head of every dwarf

Deer Dorvz
Wee goblnz wll kill yu! yur blu armr is nu mach fr or irn lw boot!
sincerly,
Goblnz

Dear Urist McSuicidal,
For fucks sake, I know that you are in the army, but do NOT attempt to wrestle a sea monster without armor on.
Needing a new tomb,
The collective regime of dwarven beards

[StabbyStab]

Dear trio of Babysnatchers that found your way into a dining room,

Of all the babies you could have taken, you decided you wanted the son of the very well trained, armed lasher that was holding a scourge that I got from your buddies, busily enjoying some dwarven wine 3 tiles away? Really?

Luckily, she was the only one other than the baby in that particular dining room at that moment; your buddies are all in cage traps, I'm not sure how you three got through, but that's a separate issue entirely.

I sealed the room with walls in the hallway since you were all far from the door and legendary masons build faster than their shadows can keep up with them.

I sealed you in that room to teach you a lesson. She was armoured and I figured she could probably handle it, although it did surprise me when she entered a martial trance and LITERALLY started whipping arms off. I swear you guys are on to something with this scourge thing.

Bottom line, there's a circle of blood (Blood, arms, legs, hands, heads, feet, toes, armor, weapons, etc.) that's about 10 tiles in diameter at the end of the dining hall and all over the dwarf mother and her baby.

After the carnage was over and she was done whipping what was left twitching on the floor, I deconstructed the wall and she calmly went on her way; washing off herself and her baby then going back to her dwarvenly duties, child in hand.

I've created an area outside of the fort with what's left of you put on display to deter future baby thieves.

Sincerely,

The dwarven leader

[StabbyStab]

Dear elven caravan,

Firstly, I'm sorry I laughed at this whole situation, as hilarious as it was.

Secondly, I did kill the capybara that was threatening your wagon in the end, so this wasn't a total loss

Thirdly, How was I supposed to know that every single one of you and your pack animals (and, to add insult to injury, several trees) were between the capybara and the ballista that the dwarves used to kill it? They aim on their own, and I trust that even after the collateral damage, they DID make the right decision in the end, even if every single one of you suffered a fatal ballista bolt related injury. This is what they're trained for after all.

Finally, after the dwarves took the first shot that missed the capybara even after it passed through every member of the caravan, its pack animals, and some trees; leaving one survivor who was not fatally wounded by the first bolt (They're new to this, give them some credit) the second shot that killed the survivor and the capybara was still necessary, as the danger from the rodent to the fortress and your wagon was still present.

I hope this doesn't hurt our relations, as you've never had a single caravan survive to make it to my front door of the 6 that you've sent, but what can I say; it's a dangerous world outside of these walls.

Sincerely,
Dwarven overseer

[billybobfred]

To: Urist McNurse
Re: Urist McPrisoner

Have you noticed that you have to keep dragging this patient back to that bed? That immobile patient that wants nothing more than to sit in one place until he's all better?

This is not a coincidence. The captain of the guard is trying to put him in prison for his crimes. That's where he got the wounds, as well.

There's a bed in the prison cell. He can rest there. I promise.

... Okay, you figured that out. But, uh, when the captain foolishly dumped him in the middle of the room and you kindly moved him into the bed one space away...

why did you take him off the chain? Now he's not officially serving time. He's not going to appreciate it at all when he wakes up.

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McMiner,

I am aware the stone is damp, as I am aware that the last stone was damp, you are digging under a river the stones of which are frequently damp. It confounds me that you constantly strike damp stone, stop working to inform me of this event, and have your orders to dig renewed only to moments later completely forget these events, strike damp stone and begin the cycle again. Please report to the infirmary because some horrible injury has turned your brain into cheese.

[billybobfred]

To: Cat McCat
Re: Blithely pointing out massive security flaws

... Keep doing that.

(wow, did I really not see that when I was planning this?)

[RAKninja]

dear citizenry of bronzetools

the next dwarf that starves of dehydrates in his sickbed or prison will send the lot of you down into the caverns.  i understand our population is nearing two hundred, but do not think i cannot coerce you all down there with that forgotten beast that has flooded the second cavern layer with his secretions.  that was our best weaponsmith in prison, and our skilled militia captain in the hospital.  i note that while feeding your helpless compatriots does not seem to be high on your collective priorities list, taking the corpse to the crypts and storing the dead dwarf's possessions IS.  this must stop.  i understand you are enthusiastic about our current construction projects that will surely bring our king to make our quint fortress the capitol, but this is a bit much.  again i say, take care of your own, or i will stop taking care of the collective lot of you, lead you to certain death, and return as a human to explore the carnage i have caused.


XOXOXOXOXOX,
your stallin.

[Flaming Toadstool]

Dear Urist McCorpseHauler

Instead of standing there, pick up those badger corpses so we don't have miasma in our fort... oh, wait, too late.

Yours bitterly,
The Admin.

[Theifofdreams]

Dear Urist Mcbutcher
Yes, I know there aren't enough dwarves to do everything that needs done, but I'm sure everyone would feel much happier if you'd take that dead donkey off the steps and, oh, I don't know, butcher it. Everyone is angrier about the miasma than they ever will be if you take a bit of time off to cut it up properly.

Sincerely
      Everyone else in the fort

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urists McMilitary,

I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.

You are still beating on him.

Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.

For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.

-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McMason,
I specifically tailored your work orders to trick you into NOT walling yourself into the caverns.
You walled yourself into the caverns. With a giant bat on the loose.
You had better not die before I can save you!
Sincerely,
GWG.
P.S. While you're there, can you tidy up the walls a teeny bit? Thanks.

[Sidhien]

Dear Urist McCivilian McSmearedEntrails,

Do not taunt the wild ogres.

Thank you.

[noah22223]

Dear Urist's McBaddasses,

Keep up the good work, killing sieges left and right with nothing but your iron axes and the clothes your wearing!
One note of advice, though;
If you got there first, and you see 10 goblins infront of you, DO NOT RUSH FORWARD.
seriously, everyone else just needs a little time!

Sincerely,
Urist McNoah, EVERY GODDAMN NOBLE IMAGINABLE.

[Vorthon]

Dear Urists McMilitary,

I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.

You are still beating on him.

Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.

For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.

-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.

I nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.

Oh, and quoted for the sigtext thread.