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[Chandrak]

Dear Parent Civilization,

Please stop sending me endless streams of farmers. 5 is enough to feed my whole fort. I do not need 40.

[Jake]

Oh mighty Overseer,

In accordance with your immutable will, we will of course declare the practice of spleefing to be anathema, and all who practice it shall be cast into the volcano as fitting sacrifice to your greater glory.

This would however be considerably easier if any of us knew what the word "spleefing" actually means. Would you be so kind as to provide one of our more mystically inclined brethren with a divine revelation clarifying this?

With great reverence,

Your slightly bemused minions.

* * *

Dear everyone,

I don't know when or even if we'll get a divine revelation about what "spleefing" means, but my personal theory is that it means "babbling about divine messages from an Avatar of Armok after spending four hours huffing Gnomeblight when you were supposed to be doing something useful". And even if it isn't, we're making that anathema as well if you 'orrible shower of lawn ornaments don't stop buggering about!

Yours,

The Mayor.

[Dorten]

Dear minions,
Use Google, it helps.

Yours,
 Just a bypasser

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spleefing

[UltraValican]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I'm glad to see you using bolts and killing animals but...,, do you think its really nescsary to hunt carp with a crossbow....your a hunter not a fishermen!!

Dear Urist McMIner
USE THE F***ING RAMPSITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR STARVING BECAUSE YOUR TO RETARDED TO MOVE UP ONE F***ING TRIANGLE....JUST GO UP THE F***ING RAMP...
YOU....YOU.......DOUBLE DIGGERS

[lanceleoghauni]

To: The Engineering Team
RE: That Thumpy Magma Thing

I told you already, you numbskulls, to STAY AWAY FROM THE BLOODY MAGMA REACTOR! Three more of you died because you decided to walk through the heavily irradiated water treatment plant, and another two of you got iced because you went for a stroll through the water reclamation freezer. Seriously, Why were you even above ground? All I needed you to do was pull the deactivation lever for the water reclamation and shore up that hole you decided to walk through that we accidentally melted in the sea ice, was that too hard?

--Your Heavily Exasperated Overlord

[Deus Machina]

Dea--GAH! Jeez! For Armok's... What is... Cor!

Ahem.

Dear wormy tendrils,

   Please stop being so damn creepy.
Until that time--or until I figure out how to burn all of you--I'm going inside.

-Overseer

PS: Gods below, that's almost enough to put me off my drink.

[Manae]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I'm glad to see you using bolts and killing animals but...,, do you think its really nescsary to hunt carp with a crossbow....your a hunter not a fishermen!!

Dear Urist McMIner
USE THE F***ING RAMPSITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR STARVING BECAUSE YOUR TO RETARDED TO MOVE UP ONE F***ING TRIANGLE....JUST GO UP THE F***ING RAMP...
YOU....YOU.......DOUBLE DIGGERS

Dear Overseer Valican:

But Sir! We tried that! But one of the ramps doesn't go up to a floor because we somehow managed to dig it facing the wall away from it. So, we do try to go get food, but then we smack our beards into the wall and come back down.

Urist McMiner

[UltraValican]

Dear Miners,

You had two sets of up/down stair wells and ramps in an OPEN SPACE, i cant posibly see how it would be imposible for you to access the food above and the most ironic part about all of this is that you were digging out the food storage room..........

Hav fun starving to death as i rush to see how fast i can breach HFS with 7 5 dwarves

[jamesadelong]

To: Militia Commander
From: Myself and pretty much all the dwarfs here at mission command
Just a few points I wish to make very clear.

• I wish to commend your recent efforts defending the fledgling fortress against the three civilization siege, very impressive. Furthermore, the fact that one of those sieges was composed of ettin, cyclope and all sorts of other fun make it all the more impressive, especially as your the only one in the squad with any consderable arms or armarment.
• Atop of this, the fact that you managed to seal the emergency civilian hollow in time and defend the sole miner coming out of the caverns is remarkably impressive, very little outside the basillica has been damaged and any damage is merely superficial. Indeed there has been talk of maintaining this light damage as a record of the sacrifice of the two dwarves that laid their lives defending it.
• Finally, the sheer fact that you defended the miner from the siege and personally defended him from three troglodytes as he in turn was possessed by an underling of Armok himself proves your talent as a militia captain and as a soldier. The miner passes on his thanks for moving with him, ferrying him between the caverns and the foundry, working on the artifact his god had demanded he produce whilst still providing orders and fighting in the ensuing battle for the basillica.

As a reward for your valiant stand and the defence of one of your own, I am providing you with your own quarters and office and the artifact, a millwheel displaying the history of our fortress to date. Consider it the spoils of war.
Best Regards.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McMiner,
Do not sleep in the aquifer.
Sincerely,
Savescumming.

[A-Dos]

To: Adol Coppercrow, Hunters Guild
From: Your Overseer, The Manager and the Hospital

We commend you on your bravery with taking up one of the limited positions as a Hunter, and also for your recent draft into the Marksdwarf Squad.

However, we must point out a few flaws that may cost you your job and even your life if you attempt to repeat this.

Point A) Please never attempt to hunt the wild Giant Badgers. We're all proud that you managed to kill one, but please don't draw the rest of them towards the fortress like you did last time, we've lost 3 Dwarves to your stupidity.

Point B) For the love of god- The manager and the other marksdwarves have threatened to throw you into the pits for this. Please refrain from using the Experimental Masterwork Adamantium Bolts. We created them for the Legendary Marksdwarves who know how to use them, not Adequate crossbow users such as yourself. Stick to the bone bolts, please.

Point C) If you feel the nerve to try and melee a Giant Badger again, please. Don't. You're wearing two splints (One of which is an artifact worth ☼20,000) and you're lucky you didn't loose your ability to use your legs.

Regards, A concerned Overseer

PS: Have you considered joining the Farming Guild? I hear they have *Cough* not enough members, and have *Hack* plenty of fun jobs available.

[Flaming Toadstool]

Dear Urist McMason

Get back to work, please? We all know you like eating, drinking, sleeping, and being on break, but really, enough is enough now. Get to making those tables and thrones so we can have an actual dining room instead of eating in the stockpile.

Yours truly,
The Administration.

[Dcutean]

Dear UristMcKittenlover

I am very sorry every bone in your entire body from the neck down is broken. If you hadn't rushed to save the cat we used for bait, I wouldn't have had to pull the lever to drop you 4 stories into the refuse pile.

With love,
Your all seeing overlord

[Oaktree]

Dear Urist McWhyamiacorpse,

Literacy is a requirement for membership in the militia.  Please note the sign in the room saying "No Sleeping in the Danger Room" and "Keep All Safety Equipment On in the Danger Room".  And the big label on the door that says "DANGER ROOM".

The insurance claim made by your widow has been denied.  She will be cared for since she is an asset to the community.  However, we do not pay off claims for fools removing their helmets, sleeping in the DR, and then getting a spear through their noggin. 

Though in your case the mayor thinks it is an improvement to your thinking processes - and that you have become the ideal voter.

- The Duke

[Greiger]

To Civilians of EverCastle
RE: The queen's future throne room.

The gem studded platinum throne in the room that that takes up the top 2 floors of the keep, is not a dining room.  It is the Queen/Drunk's future Throne room.  Stop soiling the throne with bits of bacon and giraffe meat. 

And if you insist on doing that anyway stop complaining about the lack of a dining table when you do.  The dining room is on the bottom floor, enter the keep and hang a right, and you are in the dining room that has more than enough tables and chairs for everyone.

The Administration

P.S. Oh my Armok put some damn pants on before sitting in it at least!  You are going to leave a stain!