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[Icecoon]

Dear Urist McMilitiacommander

If you are tantruming because you were training and sparring for too long, please go off duty. There are plenty of new recruits, that could
train their skills. Currently 4 of 9 soldiers of your squad have to train.

P.S.: You broke the ribs of Urist McSpeardwarf. If you refuse to go off duty, then please do not harm your fellow dwarfs. We are currently under goblin siege, so your skills and the skills of the soldiers under your command are needed.

Sincerly,
Your Overseer

[Foxite]

Dear Urist McSleepyHauler,

When I designate a massive load of stone to be hauled in to the Dwarven Atom Smasher, you are a lot better off not going to sleep in the smashing room.

Signed,

The mechanic who installed the Smasher, and me

[escondida]

Dear Urist McDumbMiner,

I understand that the small room on the other side of the fortress is an amazing project and you want to be a part of it;
however, your 3 coworkers are already there, digging. It's a small room and they are fast, they can do it.
They don't need you, ESPECIALLY if, in order to "help" them, you have to leave that single pillar in the middle of the new stockpile room.
You could just finish THAT job, it's far more useful for everyone. And it's literally one step away from you. It would take only 5 seconds.
But no, there is a small room over there, and you MUST dig it out NOW.
Why?

By the way, hadn't you rushed over there screaming "the tenth block is mine! Don't dig it!", the room would've been completely finished WAY sooner. Congratulations, you just slowed down the work in TWO different digging site.

M'dear Overseer,

As a foredwarf in good standing in the Guild of Miners, I resent the implication that I deliberately slowed down work on the construction sites. You see, when my assistants shouted to me that they thought the wall they were about to dig out was probably an important load-bearing wall, naturally I needed to go take a look at it myself! And if the job site happened to be further to the northeast or lower in the ground (you wouldn't understand, it's a miners' tradition), well, all the more reason for me to go there first. As to the pillar left standing in the stocks room, I'm afraid I don't really see the problem. After all, it's not like you'd need to fill out extra paperwork later to mark that one spot on the floor as a new stockpile if you were to just start using the stockpile now! That would be ridiculous.

You know what, forget it. I'm sorry, I was too rude. You don't deserve this, you're a great miner...

That's quite kind of you to say. I'm glad you're starting to see things my way.

Actually, I have the right job for a great miner like you: I was just looking for a poor bast... ehm.. brave soul to dig the warm stone at the end of that tunnel, and I think I found the right dwarf. Congratulations!

Oh, I don't know about that. I'm but a humble civil servant here in the fort, spending my whole life digging just to make sure everybody has comfortable living arangements and that the smelters are well-stocked with ores. For such an important occasion as opening up our new magma forges, someone important should probably strike that last ceremonial blow. Cutting the ribbon (what's a ribbon, I wonder?) as 'twere. Here...you can even borrow my old pick.

[Urist McShire]

Dear Urist McMarksdwarves,

When I tell you to station yourselves in elevated positions behind fortifications above a trapped hallway so that you might shoot at any enemies unlucky or skilled enough to have evaded the traps alive, I expect you to remain standing at your posts with your crossbows primed and ready to fire upon our unsuspecting victims invading our fort. Why it is that you deem it absolutely necessary to leave these carefully prepared defenses designed to save your lives and venture out of the fortress to engage the enemy head-on without melee support simply astounds me. Nearly half of you died, including some of you who have survived many sieges and earned titles for yourselves and should really know better than to perform an act so foolish.

Therefore I am placing all of you into obsidian towers and completely scrapping the idea of letting you rain death on the enemy from above after they've entered a trapped corridor, as the order, "Stand in this burrow and shoot anything not friendly that you see down there" is too complicated for you. And, just to be on the safe side, I am assigning each of you a trained war bear and war lion, so that they may fight over your corpse's meat in the event you do something so stupid again.

Sincerely,

Your baffled, mourning, Overseer

P.S. Seriously, if you had all just followed orders in the first place, we would have survived those two consecutive sieges without losing anyone. Instead eight of you chose to needlessly throw your lives away. Do not do so in future unless a merciless Megabeast, Titan, or FB arrives.

[Lich180]

Dear Urist McTemporaryCarpenterwhoalsohappenstobetheArmorsmith:

When I tell you to deconstruct a bridge over a 30z waterfall, with nothing but death in the form of dismemberment and alligators at the bottom, do NOT stand on the bridge as you take it apart.

[pisskop]

Dear Militia Commander;

Please stop being so awesome and being so trained and having a high armour user when everybody else is relatively new.  I know you are one of the Seven, and I know I gave you both a gifted start and a year to train before they showed up, but when you charge a bow squad without the support of your companions I get nervous.  But, good use of LOS to screen yourself for a bit of the way.

p.s.  Stop taking all the kills.  You won't get another title, and I'm not granting you a title outside of what you already have.

[deepfreeze78]

Dear Urist McWrestler,

Really, there is NO NEED to throw your training partner into the wall. I'm running out of coffins.

Sincerely,

DeepFreeze78, the ruler with 4 less dwarves.

[Spehss _]

To the population of the fortress of Hammerflickered,

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to run off to rest in the hospital every time your skin starts oozing blood. See, that's a well known side effect of the bright aqua blue revolting ooze that's constantly raining outside. So far, it's proven completely harmless to everything except the smallest of critters, like kittens or new born babies. Ever since the foundation of this fortress, working dwarves didn't mind the constant trail of blood they oozed form their pores. Then after a couple years without any complaints the hospital becomes established, and suddenly dwarves are constantly stopping by to "rest" instead of doing whatever work they went outside to do.

Stop clogging the hospital, you blood soaked slackers. Go do your jobs. We're trying to build a roof over the outdoor courtyard so there's less ooze everywhere. If you haulers would stop suspending the constructions just because your skin is dripping a little blood from the ooze and you'd stop pretending to be sick in the hospital then maybe the roof would be done sooner.

Blood oozing from your very sweat glands doesn't excuse you from hauling masonry.

Insincerly, the Management

[Dwarf4Explosives]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

To the population of the fortress of Hammerflickered,

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to run off to rest in the hospital every time your skin starts oozing blood. See, that's a well known side effect of the bright aqua blue revolting ooze that's constantly raining outside. So far, it's proven completely harmless to everything except the smallest of critters, like kittens or new born babies. Ever since the foundation of this fortress, working dwarves didn't mind the constant trail of blood they oozed form their pores. Then after a couple years without any complaints the hospital becomes established, and suddenly dwarves are constantly stopping by to "rest" instead of doing whatever work they went outside to do.

Stop clogging the hospital, you blood soaked slackers. Go do your jobs. We're trying to build a roof over the outdoor courtyard so there's less ooze everywhere. If you haulers would stop suspending the constructions just because your skin is dripping a little blood from the ooze and you'd stop pretending to be sick in the hospital then maybe the roof would be done sooner.

Blood oozing from your very sweat glands doesn't excuse you from hauling masonry.

Insincerly, the Management

Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?

[pisskop]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

To the population of the fortress of Hammerflickered,

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to run off to rest in the hospital every time your skin starts oozing blood. See, that's a well known side effect of the bright aqua blue revolting ooze that's constantly raining outside. So far, it's proven completely harmless to everything except the smallest of critters, like kittens or new born babies. Ever since the foundation of this fortress, working dwarves didn't mind the constant trail of blood they oozed form their pores. Then after a couple years without any complaints the hospital becomes established, and suddenly dwarves are constantly stopping by to "rest" instead of doing whatever work they went outside to do.

Stop clogging the hospital, you blood soaked slackers. Go do your jobs. We're trying to build a roof over the outdoor courtyard so there's less ooze everywhere. If you haulers would stop suspending the constructions just because your skin is dripping a little blood from the ooze and you'd stop pretending to be sick in the hospital then maybe the roof would be done sooner.

Blood oozing from your very sweat glands doesn't excuse you from hauling masonry.

Insincerly, the Management

Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?

Dwarves will use meeting areas and beds as 'resting locations' should you not have a hospital or if they do not have access to one.

Similarly, through testing I figured out that doctors will do their job (eventually, and perhaps get around to it more slowly than at the hospital) outside of hospitals, and even use traction benches if one is nearby.  And tables.  Nothing says dwarf like one of the starting seven getting surgery on one of the three eating tables.

---

I would imagine that the 'rest' lasts only as long as the worst of the bleeding happens.  Once that threshold is dipped under again, they go about their way.  It sounds like the cancelations are the problem more than the hospital rests.

[Spehss _]

I have since then solved the problem by making the hospital activity zone inactive until I need it. Although to be fair, the constant stream of dwarves coming in to rest kept my chief medical dwarf busy. He went from no skill in diagnosis to talented diagnosis.

[Kishmond]

Dear population of GorgeBridged,

I am aware that we are under siege, however, I assure you that our walls keep us completely safe. Please try to stop running away from the goblins on the top of the cliff long enough to get inside and take a drink. It's not worth your (collective) lives.

- Overseer

((Seriously, half my fortress is stuck outside in a panicked mass. I think this is suitably stupid that I'm just going to set the boiling point of goblin blood to room temperature. That at least would be entertaining.))

[callisto8413]

Dear SpearDwarf,

I write this scroll on the hopes that I may help you understand your position.  See, in one of our fights against the Goblins you came to the aid of one of the SwordDwarfs, which I have no problem with.  In fact, while the SwordDwarf was attacking the Goblin from the front and, I may add, doing a great job of impaling the enemy soldier on her sword and twisting her weapon in the body, you attacked it from the rear.  Once again, no problem with that.  In fact, always a good idea.

And the fact that you bashed the Goblin's legs and lower body with the shield, repeatable, and at one point I believe you even sliced off a leg isn't a issue either.  Bravo!  Very Roman.  In fact I hear some Fortresses have nothing but units of SpearDwarfs who are trained to fight just like that.  Not the issue.

But do you think, just maybe, the use of the spear would have ended the fight faster?  We were outnumbered and taking out the foes faster would have been a nice idea.  Oh we won, true, but this need to use your shield and ignore a perfectly good spear seems...a tad childish.  Not saying, just saying. 

Slightly confused but still happy with the results,

The Overseer.

[Madman198237]

Dear Urists, (All of them)

Keep doing what you're doing! For once, I have no problem with it. Any group of 16 dwarfs and a dog that can take on a FB with no weapons are all good for me. Of course, this FB was nothing but a feathery scorpion with no clue what was going on, but still....Good job.
(Seriously, after 2 pages of hit reports in which the FB had not hit back once, this FB had entered a vegetative state, with no tissues beneath "Complete function loss" [Broken] status)
Of course, for the frustration bit of this thread, please work faster. And smarter. Preferably without letting another grizzly or polar bear take any food. Or letting those falcons interrupt your work. Oh, and if you can, please learn to run into the fort BEFORE I raise the drawbridge.
You know, the little things that make you not dead. Because as an overseer, I find it annoying to find replacements.

Please learn quickly,
Your torturer overseer who took you to this glacier to die profit and create glorious works.

[Tonic]

Dear Urists,

I stationed you outside the spike room, not in it.  You knew there were goblins and trolls raining down from above to land on the spikes.  You knew I made it slightly less-than-lethal so it would take time for them to bleed out.  This time is intended for them to reflect on how thoroughly they've been wrecked by our mighty Mountainhome, not for you to go in and stab a thrice-impaled, mostly-dismembered troll just so you could get another kill.

Have you noticed that every dwarf who went into the spike room limped out, after being literally caught in a rain of terrified goblins?

Go get in your traction benches and think about what you've done.  Someone will pop round to discover your corpses in a year or so.