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[jcochran]

Dear Urists,

I stationed you outside the spike room, not in it.  You knew there were goblins and trolls raining down from above to land on the spikes.  You knew I made it slightly less-than-lethal so it would take time for them to bleed out.  This time is intended for them to reflect on how thoroughly they've been wrecked by our mighty Mountainhome, not for you to go in and stab a thrice-impaled, mostly-dismembered troll just so you could get another kill.

Have you noticed that every dwarf who went into the spike room limped out, after being literally caught in a rain of terrified goblins?

Go get in your traction benches and think about what you've done.  Someone will pop round to discover your corpses in a year or so.

But boss, if you don't want us to go bravely charging in to kill the hated enemies of our fortress, you ought not to station us within sight of the ones to be killed. Can we help it if we're so enthusiastic about killing trolls and goblins?

[ancistrus]

Dear Urists,

the bars on the floor serve a very noble purpose - they allow us to have many beautiful waterfalls in various corridors in our fortress. Incidentally, that means that there is nothing but lots of water underneath them. Does destroying the bars under your feet still seem like a good idea? Yes? Then by all means, please go ahead and do it. It is always fun to watch natural selection in progress. In fact, we will be implementing the design in other parts of the fortress.
So, thank you Urists, all 11 of you. You are visionaries, really. Who needs the fortress guard, or chains or a hammerer when we can have an automated justice system?

[Panando]

Dear Overseer,

Urist McBroker here,
Wouldja please stop bitching about me not wanting to trade and assigning me to a burrow to force me. Ya may not know this but My Papa McBroker told me "You should never trade on an empty stomach, and your breath should smell like booze, and you should always be well-rested, a nice long nap will do. If you have any tattered clothing, now is the time to replace them, it does no good as broker to represent in rags. Eat another meal, you might be there all day. And always-always remember, go on break when they arrive." I've ever lived by my Papa's words of wisdom and would deeply appreciate it if you'd get that menacing netherwood spike out of your butt and give me a break and trust me that I know how a dwarf is supposed to broker deals.

With all due respect [yer great beardless monkey],
Urist McBroker

[gtaguy]

Dear Urist McDeadguy,

I understand that you're pissed off I didn't give you a proper burial nor a headstone. I don't want to. You decided to go on break right in the middle of the tracks and showed surprise when a platinum minecart came barreling out of the gun straight for you. I'm not angry at you, just disappointed that you prematurely threw all the of serrated disks into the backs of the militia dwarves and the goblins.

However given that I have not incinerated your entire family you should show some goddamn gratitude and not haunt my nonidiotic dwarves. So please enjoy having your corpse thrown into the necromancer pit and then getting hacked apart by the axe dwarves that survived your stupidity. If any major limb of your corpse survives I will make certain to place it in magma so your remaining mortal bonds will be forever in pain.

Your ever kind Overseer, Gtaguy.

[pisskop]

Dear militia commander;

I laud your eagerness for battle.  Our plan to attack with the departure of the human caravan worked perfectly, for our side.  With your courage zero dwarves have died today.  the same could not be said for the poor wagon and its movers. Or the goblins.

Perhaps you met them.  As you were leading the assault without a weapon.  As you were shaking a bowman about by the eye socket with your teeth.  As you were bashing heads in with a shield.  As you were punching through copper face masks.

For your part, you sustained a few bruises and an arrow in the wrist.  Good on you.  But a weapon is so much more efficient.  Bring one next year, when the humans take their revenge on us.  I've already begun replacing the traps.

Sincerely;
PK

[Panando]

Dear Urist McMayor/Baron,

As the benevolent overlord of the fortress, I would like to personally thank you for being consistent and predictable in your mandates. First you mandate the production of millstones, then you prohibit their export. Everyone appreciates that we know where we stand with you. Produce millstones, don't sell them, and no-one gets hurts.
The only thing which puzzles me - and perhaps this is part of your grand and secret plan and I'm not in the know so you wont tell me anyway - is what exactly is this great millstone stash for? I've built a bunch in your rooms, since you presumably like them. But as you know well, we don't actually have a milling industry. We've never milled a single bag of sugar, flour or dye, and we never will. Even if we did, we would only need one millstone, because they are highly efficient. I would understand if you wanted to export millstones but...
Well the guys are getting a bit worried. I know you say "Don't worry guys! I just like millstones. I just like having millstones around.", but still, if you do secretly aspire to make a millstone based death-trap, you can let us in on the plan. Because we're all cool with that kind of thing.

Kind regards,
Your benevolent overlord.

PS. And if you ever require an unfortunate accident, you can be assured it will involve millstones.

[WanderingKid]

Keep in mind, you can select your Baron for good choices for constant builds.  Bolts, etc.  That's partially on you for not looking when you selected someone.

[christopher1006]

Dear Urist Mcimmigrant,

When I tell you to raise the bridge, it is not to be done at your convenience. It's because there are 20 fully armoured goblins about to cross it and slaughter you all because the metalsmith decided he needed a nice long vacation before building armour for the military.

From,

You're pissed off leader.

[Panando]

Dear Ral McImmigrant,

The Militia Commander is delighted to hear that you are a proficient Fighter, Shield User and Dodger, and Strong to boot. In fact you've been invited to join his squad, which is a very great honour. We're all very pleased that you've turned up in the first migration wave to help out our fledging fortress.
But the Militia Commander has one little concern - well actually I think it might be more of a phobia on his part since he'll have to spar with you - he is slightly alarmed that your one and only offensive skill is proficient biter. Now don't get us wrong, we're all tremendously impressed by your dedication and single-mindedness, but as the Militia Commander said to me "Ock, I've yet to see a dwarf parry an attack with his chompers", so please, here's a nice spear, we're going to have to insist you learn to use it.

Your Benevolent Overlord.

[Grip]

Dear Urist McVampire,

I would like to congratulate you on becoming the first undead citizen of Fireaxe, the Bane of Trees. Unfortunately, due to the downfall of Destinedfailure, we have a very strict no undead policy. For you, however, we are willing to make an exception! Please report to the drawbridge which you so recently admired, and I will explain your new association with our Chief Medical Dwarf, who is in serious need of experience.

All the best,
The Invisible Overlord

[Kreydurst]

Dear Urst mc... swordsdawrf?

As much as I appreciate you sticking into the fight after your shield hand was chopped off. Do you not think that beating the goblin ambush to death with your severed hand to be a little inefficient?

[ImagoDeo]

Dear Urist McVampire,

I would like to congratulate you on becoming the first undead citizen of Fireaxe, the Bane of Trees. Unfortunately, due to the downfall of Destinedfailure, we have a very strict no undead policy. For you, however, we are willing to make an exception! Please report to the drawbridge which you so recently admired, and I will explain your new association with our Chief Medical Dwarf, who is in serious need of experience.

All the best,
The Invisible Overlord

I've got a vampire doing surgery training duty in my hospital at the moment. My hope is that eventually I'll be able to work out some way of bloodying the wellwater with her, but until then I'm content to get a legendary surgeon out of the deal.

[ImagoDeo]

Dear Urst mc... swordsdawrf?

As much as I appreciate you sticking into the fight after your shield hand was chopped off. Do you not think that beating the goblin ambush to death with your severed hand to be a little inefficient?

Dear Overseer,

Inefficient my arse! T'were the most efficient way to give as good as I'd got. Them wart-faced shifty-eyed draltha-@#$%ers... t'was only fit to give them the finger, quite lit'rally, y'see. I'm sure y'can unnerstand.

Never fret. I can wear a shield 'n' carry a sword in the same hand. Ye'll never notice a difference.

-Urist McSwordsdwarf

[Akura]

Dear Military,
I will remind each of you that Wolverine Men do not have adamantine skeletons and claws, and the fact that they are tearing you apart is not proof of this. You're just fighting barehanded a creature bigger than you and based off a creature smaller than you that is still quite capable of wrecking you.

Overseer.

PS. Please stop telling the new recruits this as well. The result is half of them being too scared to fight and the other half reaching a suicidal zeal for harvesting adamantine for the greater fort.

[BlitzDungeoneer]

Dear Miners,
When I tell you to mine, and you aren't occupied with anything, and equipped with pickaxes, you are to goddamn mine, not wander the fortress being lazy.

Your Overseer/God.