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[Baffler]

Good stuff, TV.
-----
This missive was found posted on the wall of the dining hall in the ruins of Torchdagger. It is the last known official address given before the fortress fell.

To the Haulers of Torchdagger,

A number of complaints have been reaching the mayor's desk regarding workload, outnumbered only by reports to the militia sergeants about zombies in the lower halls. Furthermore, the more astute among you may have noticed that a number of your colleagues have been reassigned, mostly to the mining and stone detailing crews. Lots of terrible rumors, which I won't bother relating here, have arisen. I understand your worries and recognize that they are perfectly natural, especially after Datan's disappearance. This notice should put any of your concerns to rest.

Two months ago, as you are all no doubt aware, we were attacked by the walking dead. While no losses were recorded, the fortress gates were closed until a month ago when the undead stopped rising again, allowing our brave militia to clear them from our lands. What you may not be aware of, however, is that the dead were being led by a foul human sorcerer: here for reasons unknown. He had been caught in a cage outside of the fortress gate, and was unable to continue reanimating his minions.

A captured necromancer is a valuable asset, if a dangerous one, so work was begun immediately to construct a facility below the waterworks to keep our new guest. Many of your colleagues were assigned to assist the small miners' and stonecarvers' crews. Additionally, a new vertical shaft had to be dug to provide the necromancer with what he needed. All of this created a lot of loose stone: stone that needed to be hauled away. Let me take a moment to remind you that you are haulers. I am aware that there has not been any major excavation in some time, but that does not excuse complaint when the very necessary work of moving loose boulders out of the work site does arise.

Now as you are again no doubt aware, an army of goblins assaulted to the fortress two weeks ago. These were dealt with a bit more handily. Many of you likely helped to drop their bodies into the new disposal shaft next to the old refuse pile. This is where the trouble comes from. A troll was mistakenly dropped into the pit. According to witness reports, the necromancer saw his opportunity, and reanimated the body of the troll, which used its brute strength to destroy the door controlling access to the pit floor. The necromancer himself remains chained to the floor in a side room, but the significant number of undead he was able to raise are loose in the lower levels. The necromancer's facilities as well as the lower waterworks, forges, and prison are strictly off-limits until our brave militia can clear them.

I haven't forgotten Datan, either. He was trapped in the necromancer's facilities along with the one survivor of the three hammerdwarves stationed there in case of an incident. Both are locked in a panic room and are, as far as we know, alive and well. The room is well stocked with food and booze, and even contains beds. You all have every assurance I can offer that the child, as well as the guardsman, will be returned safely.

Yours,
The Overseer

[dean_ski]

Dear Urist McWoodcutter,

I understand that recently you have come across a couple green-skinned child snachers. I understand that those scrunched up, odd looking faces can be quite off-putting. But seeing that you have a very large axe, and a couple speedy legs; to please, please, please, eliminate the damned green fool for stepping on our property instead of running away like a little kobold thief.

Yours sincerely,
Management.

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McAdventurer,

I recognize that gastric bypass surgery is very trendy lately, and that if you live a sedentary lifestyle with ready access to fatty and/or unhealthy foods, this can be an excellent way to control your weight, however I wonder if it is the most practical choice for an adventurer. I mention this because you seem to have the stomach capacity of a small frog. It baffles my mind how you can be simultaneously on the verge of dying from starvation/dehydration and also unable to eat another bite of food owing to being completely full. Anyway, you chose the adventuring life despite your obvious limitations, so don't expect me to pay the funeral bill when you die from your own stupidity. You'll be dumped by the side of the road for the wolves to sort out just like all the rest.

Sincerely,
The demon inhabiting your body

[TV4Fun]

Dear Bob ThePikeman,

I understand that you're a big, strong adventurer and you were hoping for an honorable death and all that, but I was hoping you would at least wait until we'd got to the next town to do so. You know, maybe you would live longer if you didn't keep picking fights with lions and jumping into rivers to fight alligators. Just a thought.

Best,
Urist

[Solon64]

Dear Urist McCurious,

That FB we captured recently, the one which we dropped into a booth in order to gas (deadly dust) any passing foes?  The one whose gas causes suffocation within roughly 3 minutes, dorf time, and if you don't breathe, well, tough, because it also causes massive amounts of blood to erupt from your every orifice?

Yeah, that's for goblins.  I had not anticipated that his deadly dust would leave contagious piles of incredibly dangerous dust all over the surrounding area.  That area is basically untouchable until I figure out a way to pour large amounts of water and/or magma into the area to clean it out.  Think horrible, horrible, awful Quarantine Zone.  I even set it restricted.  Fortunately death is guaranteed in moments and you're extremely unlikely to survive long enough to track it back into the fortress.

What gave you the idea that wading through piles of infected corpses was a smart idea?  I mean, really, you're just one more corpse to be sanitized, but now I can't even put you in a coffin because anyone trying to grab your body would similarly die in a most awful fashion.

Once I can clean it and set up the area as an ammunition depot for poison bolts, you're fine to go in there.

In the mean time, enjoy your slab!

-The Overseer

Overseer's Note: I always read about deadly dust FBs and go "nahhh, they aren't THAT bad."  And then I get one whose dust is pretty much instantly fatal.  I squee'd with insane amounts of glee at the same time I grimaced at the potential disaster waiting to happen from it.  Even before I captured it, that thing left a swath of destruction in the caverns, murdering any and every living thing that came near it, animalmen camps, troglodytes, antmen, everything.  There's infected blood and bodies ALL OVER the caverns.  I'm gonna have to sanitize 90% of the first cavern because of this thing.  While such a sanitization might have in the end happened anyway, the fact that it is now basically required has me irked to no end.

I might try and drop some Dwarven ice cream (my fort specialty and primary export, frozen milk lumps and dwarven sugar prepared food) down there, then drop some children and test if the syndrome can be transmitted through ingestion.  Would be an amusing way to eliminate nobles, I think.

[gtaguy]

Why not make some shoes and gloves? That'd help with the dust.

[MDFification]

Why not make some shoes and gloves? That'd help with the dust.

Yes, but it will result in the dust being spread everywhere in the fortress. Which will be very bad, as the next time a dwarf tries to replace its footwear (which you can't stop them from doing unless they're in militia squads) it's going to suddenly explode in gore.
A better solution would be to put dwarven bathtubs everywhere in addition to extensive boot reserves.


Dear Urist McMiner;
Why are you just standing there? You have your pick. You have a route to the job site. You're listed as inactive. You're not in a burrow. So why are you refusing to do your job?
If this keeps up, I'm going to stuff you in a minecart and use you as ammunition.
Sincerely,
Exasperated Manager.

[pisskop]

How do you get the poison on the bolts without risk of contamination, and clean the area?  I don't think I understand the process.

---

Dear Militia Captain;

  This has got to stop.  Ever since that Wereelephant can ambushing by us and murdered half a squad you've been acting strange.  I've done my best to keep you isolated from the rest of the fort, with 95% success, but after your latest and third 'foray' into our fort I've have no choice but to exterminate you.  I know, I promised you your own pit and enough space to set up any workshop you wanted.  I know, you may have only wanted the company of other werebeasts to hang out with you.  But the fact is; you are too much of a hassle and my miners are overloaded with other projects.  As one of my starting seven, I order you to stand on the magma bridge.  May you rest peacefully.

[Panando]

Dear Dwarves [especially immigrants],

I know this is my fault for being a bad administrator but I still feel if we can reach an understanding regrettable loss of dwarven (immigrant) life will be dramatically reduced.

The new garbage chute I had installed is, as you hopefully know, for disposing of corpses and limbs so they don't resurrect as butt groping disembodied hands. It is a garbage chute, and it's meant to be dirty, please don't try to clean it, after Urist McRanger stepped up to the task of cleaning the base of the garbage chute, a crundle corpse clobbered him in the head, caught on fire from the magma, set HIM on fire, and that was the end of Urist McRanger. Soon Urist McRanger was joined by Urist McCheesemaker, Urist McFarmer, Urist McFisherdwarf - I suppose it was a game to those guys, a kind of russian roulette with a garbage chute loaded with tumbling crundle corpses/zombies and splashes of burning magma - at least four or five of you guys died playing this game before I noticed what was going on. I'll try and make my fortress more !FUN! so you don't get so bored in the future.

That new locked door at the base of the garbage chute? It's for your own good. I hope you invent a new gambling game, just not one which involves being splashed with burning magma while trying to dodge having your butt groped by freefalling zombie crundle arms (as awesome as that sounds).

Sincerely,
Your compassionate and benevolent overlord.

[gtaguy]

Dear dwarves of AngeredBees,

I know that the most opulently dressed military officer just died and that it is dwarven tradition to loot any corpses for their clothing. However do note that the military commander died because of a deadly paralyzing dust. Please let me wash the clothing before you take it as the syndrome kills with 100% effectiveness. Since however you refuse to listen to my orders I shall forbid the clothing and hope the dust doesn't spread via the corpses and the floor.

Signed, Gtaguy "Purify it with magma" Cerberus.

[TV4Fun]

Dear Bob TheSoldier,

I realize that your entire family may have been killed by a stampede of rampaging emus, or at least I assume that's what happened given your psychotic hatred of them, but I think it's time that you put your anger behind you. We do have other things to do after all, and as amusing as it is watching you run off to chase every wild animal on the continent, I would at some point like to get to my next destination, so I am not trapped outside alone because you ran off to kill some threatening koala and I could not find you again, as I am really getting sick of being killed by stampedes of rampaging bogeymen. Just a friendly suggestion.

Urist McAdventurer

[Staalo]

Dear Avust Amdakost,

please quit holding open the trash compactor door; you're spreading miasma all around the kitchen area. Go have your drink somewhere else.
And no complaints about being disgusted by miasma. It was your own damn choice.

To other dwarves of Palacedeserts,

please stop taking your drinks outside; the militia squads can't always be nearby protecting you from snatchers and ambushers. Compared to our legendary meeting hall there's nothing special outside except trees. What are you, Elves?

sincerely,
The Management

[jcochran]

Dear Mayor,

Given that your current office after appraisal has a rating of 'Throne Room' as contrasted to the standard of 'Decent Office' for mayors empire wide, I have to wonder at your demand of an iron bed to placed in said office. Your bedroom (appraised as 'Great') is right next door to your office after all. Do you intend on sleeping in your office? And as you're well aware, beds are made of wood, not iron. However, I will admit that from time to time, an especially inspired dwarf will create an artifact seldom seen by anyone. And that sometimes, such awe inspiring artifacts as indeed made of iron. And sometimes, they're even beds. But you know that such works of art are extremely rare, and extremely valuable. If an inspired dwarf in our town were to make such an item, and if it were to be installed in your office, the new appraisal of your office would most likely be 'Royal Throne Room' which far exceeds the office held by our esteemed baron. Which in turn would make the baron quite jealous and impede your working relationship with that noble. Additionally, after we finish construction of the Royal throne room for our empires' royal leadership, the appraisal of your office would still be likely higher than that of the royal family. Is this appropriate?

In any case dear mayor, your demand is being taken under serious consideration since the goal of our esteemed overseer is to ensure the happiness of every dwarf. Meanwhile, a new lever has been installed and you are cordially invited to have the honor of being the first to pull it. Afterwards, there will be a reception in the dinning hall.

[94dima94]

Dear Urist McDumbMiner,

I understand that the small room on the other side of the fortress is an amazing project and you want to be a part of it;
however, your 3 coworkers are already there, digging. It's a small room and they are fast, they can do it.
They don't need you, ESPECIALLY if, in order to "help" them, you have to leave that single pillar in the middle of the new stockpile room.
You could just finish THAT job, it's far more useful for everyone. And it's literally one step away from you. It would take only 5 seconds.
But no, there is a small room over there, and you MUST dig it out NOW.
Why?

By the way, hadn't you rushed over there screaming "the tenth block is mine! Don't dig it!", the room would've been completely finished WAY sooner. Congratulations, you just slowed down the work in TWO different digging site.

And it's about the fifth time you do this.

I can't...
You know what, forget it. I'm sorry, I was too rude. You don't deserve this, you're a great miner...
Actually, I have the right job for a great miner like you: I was just looking for a poor bast... ehm.. brave soul to dig the warm stone at the end of that tunnel, and I think I found the right dwarf. Congratulations!

[Panando]

Dear Urist McHunter (recently deceased),

I don't object to you trying to hunt Giant Cave Spiders (actually, I do, because I want to catch them), but just for future reference (not that you can read this, because you're dead, and your spouse is unhappy now, jerk), if you are going to try and hunt Giant Cave Spiders you might want a better strategy than sneaking up to within 3 tiles of it and trying to shoot it in the face - well, you know why now, I don't need to explain. Just so you know after the GCS finished nomming on your head it got caught in a cage trap and is now proudly displayed at the entrance to the fortress.

Sincerely,
Your compassionate and benevolent overlord.