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[Coalwalker]

ILRAL.

RUN OVER AND GRAB YOUR INJURED COMMANDER, YOU SHITHEAD. STOP DANCING AROUND IN THE STORM OF BOLTS.

THAT'S AN ORDER.

-The hopeless Overseer.

[Tevish Szat]

Dear Urists McUnderclass
Just because I've installed amenities in this fortress does not mean I like you.  The masterwork engravings in your miserable little 1x3 rooms?  Engravers need to keep their skills from rusting.  The statues in the "Recreation Commons"?  I was training my metalcrafters on lead statues so the gold ones for the Queen would be higher quality.  The ever-growing Zoo?  Her Majesty mandates cages, forbids their export, and we're in savage lands.  Do the math.

So, when I need you pointlessly toiling away on whatever gigantic tower, arena, or the like I've ordered up today, I expect you to do it rather than throwing parties.  I don't need your "We love the Overseer" flattery, so if I keep getting it and no work, the next project will be a magma pump stack to immolate those who displease me.

-Tevish Szat, Dark Lord of Dawnhammers


Dear Urist McChef
The Giant Raven eggs in the nest boxes are for breeding a great Unkindness of Giant Ravens, not cooking ☼Giant Raven Egg Omelets☼.  Keep your grubby food haulers away from the aerie.  I've locked it off after that first debacle and we've gained a dozen ravens, as desired.  When I open it up to extend the tower, I expect your cooperation on this matter.

-Tevish Szat, Overseer


Dear Urist McQueen
You mandate cages, and when I order cages made, you march off to the carpenter's workshop and build some yourself, getting a good thought for being "Satisfied at Work".  Keep it up.

-Your pleased Overseer.

[Omeganaut]

Dear Overseer,

Sorry about the confusion with the eggs.  I was just trying to cook up the most delicious meals I could think of for your pleasure.  Perhaps if you had forbidden those eggs from being cooked in the stocks library, kitchen section, I would have known better.  Speaking of those omelets, how were they?  Were they dry at all, because I was afraid I might have overcooked them a tad.

-Urist McChef

Deer Oversar,

We jus wanna sho u we luv ur fortruz sew maoch.  Joen da partie, we haav alce.. aloco.. booz!

-Urists

[Eric Blank]

Dear Urists

Don't let the goblins eat you this season!

Sincerely, your beloved overlord

[TheKaspa]

Dear Dwarven Merchant from the Mountainhomes,
if you like so much our outpost, why are you so greedy that I cannot trade 3 iron bars with a mere dwarven room barrel and a bag of seeds?

[wierd]

To the illustrious Kaspa, Overseer:

My good sir,

It may surprise you to know, that the added expense deals with a number of extenuating circumstances, and has very little to do with any personal predjudice, I assure you.

In the instance of those fine iron bars, one must consider what is required for them to be offered from amongst my fine selection of wares. A prospector, to identify the ore deposit, miners, to reveal the ore and free it from the cold earth, haulers to move the ore to the stockpiles and foundries, a foundry worker to smelt the ore into quality metal, an animal trainer to train my pack animals, a carpenter to construct my wagon, and of course, where I come in at the very last, the merchant, who makes the journey to present you with such fine merchandise.

Clearly, one can see how each one of those steps must invariably add value to the cost of a product, how a coarse wooden barrel and a featureless, drab, burlap bag filled with simple seeds just isn't sufficient for barter? Perhaps if one had encrusted a high quality barrel of fine craftsmanship with traces of lustrous metals and brilliantly sparkling gems, and if one had presented such seeds in a beautifully embroidered bag of excellent workmanship, could have had a deal, but as it stands with the merchandise such as it is, I simply can't imagine you getting all those items you wanted to trade for.

Clearly, if I am to be able to continue being a merchant I must return with items of sufficient value to cover my initial outlay, and the expenses of the trip with some extra. If I traded at a loss, my business and liklihood would surely suffer for it, and so I simply could not do that trade.

I look forward to seeing the amazing crafts and products of your impressive contribution to our glorious dwarven kingdom next autumn when I return, so that we might engage in a mutually beneficial enterprise.

Afterall, our fortunes rise and fall together!

Urist McMerchant.

[TheKaspa]

Dear McMerchant,
I understand your reasoning, but I was trying to sell you the bars.
Next year I'll have some useless rock crafts that I'll be more than happy to offer you in exchange of booze and supplies, so suit yourself. I won't be giving a single shard of ore.
Kaspa, Overseer

PS: could you at least keep in mind that I want a MALE dog, since I already have female ones?

[Babylon]

Urist McChildLaborer

There is a stockpile full of limonite like 12 steps away from the foundry.  You do not need to go upstairs, out of the fortresss, across the wilderness festooned with goblin corpses, dwarf corpses from the necromancer siege, and the occasional live child snatcher to pick up the piece of limonite that was mined out excavating the future magma pump stack.  I know you are thirsty and hungry after your long, slow journey.  Please go have something to eat and drink and leave the next smelting job  for a dwarf who is a little bit less ambitious in his material gathering goal.

And no, I can't designate that stockpile, because it is brimming with limonite and nothing else, and I want you smelting gold and garnierite too.

[Babylon]

Dear Urist McMerchant.

You came here to make a profit.  You had to know it was dangerous, and you also knew there was great profit to be made.  Freaking out like a child and abandoning your wagon load of goods when the goblins attack one of your compatriots is not the way to make any profit at all.

If you don't want to trade, fine, but at least take all the stuff you brought to trade back with you, don't leave it laying forbidden in my depot to rot.

[Eric Blank]

Dear computer

Please don't freeze while I'm trying to save the game.

I hate you.

[Scott Cee]

Dear Urist McChampion
How can you expect to stay the most badass of all the dwarfs in the Bronzemark if you keep getting yourself killed?
I understand that getting shot in the throat is not something that you can readily prevent, but we do lock down (or more technically up) the drawbridges in an attempt to channel bow-wielding enemies into the Path of Most Resistence which, as you know, is littered with infallible reciprocating pointy sticks, spinning discs, spiked balls and other such nastinesses devised by the fortress's engineers.
And I know that you couldn't have realistically known to dodge the hammer that caved in your skull when attacked from behind, but all this playing with the space-time continuum on my part in an attempt to keep you alive has got to stop, for who know what damage it may be doing to your timeline.
That time you fell in the moat and drowned when fighting that minotaur was genuinely pretty funny, though.

Thanks much,
your Overseer.

[Pyre]

Dear Urist McNewCarpenterBecauseTheFirstOnePlayedFetchWithAnAlligator,

First off, stop bitching about not having a bed, this is an outpost, not a mountainhome(yet). You want comfort? Shouldn't have come.

Second, when I tell you that we need beds made, what do you do? You haul shit back and forth. I guess you didn't really want that bed so badly after all. Quit fucking around and do some real work, the hauling can wait till the first set of migrants come.

Signed with boundless hate,
He Who Can Destroy Your World With A Twitch Of His Index Finger.

[GuesssWho]

Dear Urists McSoldier;

Yes, the giant toad is in the water. However, we do have bows and arrows.

And you're standing right above the water anyway. Why can't you just stab it from above?

[☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼]

Dear Urist McSadcrafter.

I know, I know. Mugs are great. Bone mugs are great. But... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR WIFE'S BONES?

Totally freaked out, Your Lord and Master.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Udib McUrist'swife likes bone crafts, mugs, and vorarephilia. She abosolutely (...)
Maybe she always wanted to become a mug and Urist only made her dream come true?

[Eric Blank]

Dear computer

Thanks for ceasing to accept input from the mouse. That's very helpful.

Sincerely, the guy who relied on you for entertainment.