Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Shadowsandfire]

Dear Urist Population

Management has recently noticed you parked our only wagon, with all our supplies, halfway on top of a frozen lake in a Temperate location. In case you don't understand, the lake will soon thaw, and our wagon will be destroyed along with all the valuable supplies inside. Including but not limited to: Seeds for food and ale, An iron anvil, a full set of armor and weapons, and Basic tools with which to start our life. Once we find out who this wagon driver is, we will strip him/her of any clothing,armor,and weapons, put him/her in the military, and force him/her to play chicken with any invading forces. We will then throw his/her lifeless, butchered corpse down into the deepest pit. Should they survive, we will still throw them down the deepest pit, except we will make sure a river of molten rock awaits at the bottom.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Your Sadistic, bloodthirtsy Overlord Friend, the Management.

[Shadowsandfire]

Dear Urist population. This is your beleagured overseer. Once again, you have parked the wagon on top of the frozen lake. The exact reason why we abandoned the last one. I'm going to begin questioning your sense of eyesight, for we had but 1/4th of the map as lake. You could have been nearly anywhere else, and yet you chose the lake. I shall abandon this one as well, but not before I arrange the drowning of the entire group. Farewell, Urist Mcstartergroup. You shall soon be drowned. And I shall start upon a new map, Far from any form of a large pool of water.

[WillowLuman]

Note: With quick acting, you can save such a stupid embark by deconstructing the wagon and d->(s)moothing the ice underneath your stuff, as well as a path to land. On thaw, your smoothed ice floors shall not melt.

Dear Fisherdwarves,

I know "there is nothing to catch in the tomb." That is an ornamental fountain. Go outside.

Dear Spirits of Fire,

This is DF 2012! Your randomly generated resurgence shall not avail you! Go back to the older version from whence you came! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

[Scorch]

Dear Undead Goblin:
How did you get on that wall? How? The bridge gate raises outwards, flinging you and your kind away from my fort. Now you're on top of my courtyard wall and all my friends are cancelling jobs because of you.

-Note in scrawled hand, wrapped around a +Horse Bone Bolt+

[Tally]

Dear UristMcDodger:

HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO DODGE A WHOLE STORY UP ONTO A WALL?!



1 month later:

Dear UristMcDodger:

How did you manage to get down from that wall with no staircase? I thought dwarves were supposed to collapse under their own weight from falling 2 feet. I need more booze.

[Koremu]

Dear Domas Kibked ("Netfeeds")

Stop trying to fish in the outflow pipe from the aquifer feed drop waterwheel. It'll go badly for you if you're in the way when I pull this lever.

There aren't even any fish. There's a perfectly servicable river much closer to home.

Get out of the way.

[tahujdt]

Dear Pony McSteelRanger,
You, sir, are an insufferable nuisance. I have had my elite soldiers fireing upon you for five days with anti-tank weapons, yet you are able to block them with two shields. How the hell can you hold that shield in your mouth for so long, anyway?

Sincerely, the pony strapping explosives to a spritebot.

[Togre]

Dear Urist McMilitary,

You are pathetic and cruel.  Very, very cruel.  I understand that the hedgehog woman has a gigantic frame and untold layer of fat.  I understand that the first squad to reach her had bone crossbows without bolts.  I understand that the other squad is mace squad of raw recruits.  But seriously, after 45+ pages of making jelly of her upper body, somebody please give a head shot and put her out of her misery.

Seriously,

Your disturbed overseer.

[Eric Blank]

Dear Mining Mothers,

I know you think it's totally awesome to go for a swim in the aquifer water whilst channeling, but please, when you climb back out of the waterway, remember to grab your baby so they don't drown. There's three of them down there, now. There is no conceivable way of retrieving the corpses, and it isn't possible to vent the miasma without creating blocks of ice in the middle of the wetworks.

Sincerely, your overseer who doesn't really care anymore.

[Nyxalinth]

Dear World Gen,

Less gold, tetrahedrite and sphalerite, and MOAR IRON ORE!

Fear us and our brass-equipped militia.  Yeah.  Impressive.

MOAR IRONZ NAO!

Nyx

[WillowLuman]

Dear World Gen,

Less gold, tetrahedrite and sphalerite, and MOAR IRON ORE!

Fear us and our brass-equipped militia.  Yeah.  Impressive.

MOAR IRONZ NAO!

Nyx

Sounds like 31.19 all over again

[TheKaspa]

Dear Urists,
you told me you wanted booze, not water for drinking. I made you plenty of booze, or at least I had enough supplies of plants to let you brew all the alcohol you could manage to drink for the winter.
It's not my fault if the river froze, and the cavern didn't show an underground lake. Not that I would have allowed you near it, but still.
If you keep stocking items in stockpile instead of going to the brewery and drink when you are thirsty, it's not me who is responsible for your dehidration.
Stop throwing tantrum and go drink, for Amrok's sake!

A startled overseer.

[wierd]

Dear Overseer Kaspa,

It might surprise you to learn that despite our reputation as skilled, hardworking laborers, we are really exceptionally lazy, which is why we constantly throw parties, go on break for months at a time, and also why we prioritize doing hauling jobs over everything else; taking a pair of coarse woolen socks to the finished goods pile is easy, requires not special skills, and wastes lots of time.

If you *really* want the brewer to get off his hairy dwarven bum and actually do the job his job title states, you first have to forbid him doing anything else, because like the rest of us, he would rather have somebody else do it. Also, since there's no nuclear dwarf fuel, or as we like to call it, "booze", you should expect that immediately after removing all labors except brewing from our beloved brewer, that he will immediately go on break, and stay that way while the whole fortress crumbles around him, bcause that's really how much we hate doing our jobs. As a kind-hearted service to you, I therefor suggest conscripting several dwarves this way, and turning off all their labors except brewing, and setting several stills to "brew drink /R", just to be sure.

Yours in a fit of sober rage,

Urist McMiner.

[WillowLuman]

Dear Raccoon,

How did you latch onto his throat? HOW DID THAT POOR FISHERDWARF DIE TO A DAMN RACCOON!?

Sincerely, Expedition Leader

[wierd]

Dear smelly dwarven expedition leader:

I am a racoon. My paws are shaped like hands. How else do you think I latched on? Seriously!

--a now named raccoon.