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[Greiger]

Dear Residents of outpost Bonesthrow,

The attempts to properly tap the primary water storage area has been successful.  However a minor oversight caused the dining hall and nearby rooms to be temporarily flooded and resulted in the outpost mason drowning due to an excess of pressure inside the primary water storage area.  However the water has mostly receded now, and you can properly enjoy your new dining room waterfall.

Sincerely,
The management.

P.S. The area previously known as the 'new' dorms, will henceforth be known as secondary redundant water storage area.

P.P.S. The management is not appreciating the nickname of "Captain F**k-up".  If use of the name continues, and we don't all drown first, offenders will be hammered.

[Urist Imiknorris]

You'd assign the hammerer an addy warhammer by mistake and you know it.

[Drakeero]

Dear Urist McCarpenter

I am indeed sorry to ruin your morning so early with such a depressing letter slid under your door but some of us actually like to get things done before hell freezes over.  You have been relieved of your private carpentry workshop.  I noticed your building lack of enthusiasm throughout the winter while your colleague has far outpaced you in production and training.  For the entire latter half of the winter you did nothing at all!  I would have had a talk with you sooner but you are probably aware of the 25 migrant invasion that took us early in the spring and I have been dealing with that, obviously.  Now that we have two other carpenters who are showing extreme progress and production despite almost no starting skill I no longer require your services.  Rest assured, you will not be assigned any new tasks.

Most Disappointed,
Your lord.

P.S.  The key to your room has been hidden underneath the stack of work orders in your former workshop.  If you're lucky someone will find it before you starve.

[Mantonio]

Dear Alligator McBastard

YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN OUT OF THE AREA AFTER MAULING ONE OF THE ORIGINAL SEVEN! You think Urist McFisherman won't be avenged? You, your children, and your children's children will be hunted down like the beasts they are! And the moment we figure out how, ALL shall wear clothing made of your kind! See if we don't!

Sincerely, leader of Mirecradle

[Romeofalling]

Dear Urist McTalksALot,

I suppose I should have known you would prove to be a lazy incompetent when you showed up at my door with no skills other than Novice Conversationalist and Novice Flatterer. Still, I would have thought that you would have at least hauled some food out of the trade depot by now. Instead, you sit on your ass On Break or No Job for the better part of a year now. I have, by degrees, tried to tempt you to join every part of my workforce, but still you remain On Break.

Is there nothing you would enjoy doing? Is there no task that you don't consider beneath you? Could you at least throw a party or something? Every other member of your immigration wave has at least picked up a few Dabbling skills by now. But here you sit, month after month, twiddling your gorram thumbs, in the middle of my new external fortification eff.....

Oh, my bad. You've been trapped behind a wall this entire time.

[Romeofalling]

Dear Urist McSoldier,

I do not understand why you immediately call out "check" when I tell you to equip the (*bronze battle axe*) but stare at me blankly when I tell you to equip either "any battleaxe" or "any melee weapon of your choice."

Nor do I understand why, when I leave your weapon choice to your perogative, you insist on grabbing two -obsidian swords- even though you are an Adept Axedwarf.

Will you please just focus on learning one weapon at a time?

[LuckyLuigi]

Dear slaves to my every whim,

I realize I'm keeping you very busy with...actually scratch that, at least 40 of you are spending all your time boozing in our legendary dining hall.
Seeing as you have time a-plenty, would it be such a hassle to pick up the clothes you've claimed and then conveniently dropped in doorways providing easy access to wandering monsters ? It's really getting on my OCD nerves.

Also my apologies to the military as a whole, and the spouse of Urist mcAxedwarf in particular. In retrospect having practice fights against alligators in our new arena was not such a good idea. The doctor tells me that it is not possible to reattach his ripped of arms.
On a positive note I've finally managed to make a single piece of steel armor ! You'll have to share it amongst yourselves untill I get my hands on more iron or steel.

It's good to see you're enjoying the ingenious waterfall system we've installed and that it has already made you forget about the 7 dwarves that drowned when I connected the power and was unable to reach the off switch, or the 25-ish dwarf children and babies that got flushed down the "Stairway of Doom" when I needed to get rid of the water in the underground treefarm. It's good to see you all nice and clean btw

Sincerely,
Your whimsical god

P.S. Dear fortress guard, we've got shiny new jail cells so please stop beating to death our legendary smith.

[Chutriel]

Dear Urist McBabbyOven,

     Congratulations on the birth of your first child with Urist McLegendaryMason. However, i would like to offer a few tips when/if the next child comes to be.

     1. We just recently got our hospital up and running. We even got a doctor in the last migrant wave. These services are available to everyone in this mountainhome free of charge to keep you and everyone else in tip top shape. (this includes that tiny scratch on your right hand you got from a giant tiger which you killed with your BARE HANDS)

     2. At least birth in your room, not in the brew stockpiles while casually getting a drink. I'm pretty sure the 5 children who were less than 2 feet from you were a tad confused.

     Signed, your appalled overseer.

[Kipi]

Dear Urist McBaroness and Urist McSheriff

I know it's frustrating if mandates are not met. And I know it's Baroness' right to make one and sheriff's duty to punish if the mandates are not met. Still, you are allowed to use common sense. If baroness demands Adamantine items to be produced, and the fort has no access to such thing yet, and hasn't even discovered the vein yet, it's not all right to put the best weaponsmith to jail for 520 days just because of that.

Sincerely
Your lord

[magmaholic]

Dear poor bastards.

Dont die.

Your noble bastard.

[CapnUrist]

To the 18 survivors of the village Tubefenced:

Congratulations. Out of almost 90 dwarves, you eighteen managed to avoid being beaten, slashed, or justice'd to death by your fellows. Unfortunately, seeing as the fortress has been sealed from within to prevent news of this tragedy from reaching the Mountainhomes (or worse, the Elves... think of the humility!), you will all have to stay here amongst the blood, corpses, miasma, and each other. There is probably enough plump helmets to last a few years, but as there is now no one to make wine, I have little hope to find any of you alive when I return with a reclamation investigative party. Fare thee well, and try not to kill each other too quickly.

My deepest apologies,
Overseer UristMcAmused

[xellas84]

Dear dwarves:

I know you had a terrible fright from that goblin ambush.  Due to an oversight on my part, our defenses were not primed as well as they could have been, and you had to mobilize and wrestle the goblin leader down and let one of the random dogs rip his throat out to kill him.  My deepest apologies for that mistake.  I promise, I'll find a way to deal with the 4 still alive down in the death pit.

However, for the love of Armok and all things bloody, STOP BEING SCARED ALREADY.  Having 30 of you repeatedly try to pick up the items on the bridge, see the scary goblins 5 stories below (Who, mind you, ALL have two broken legs from the fall!) and then cancel and run away, ONLY TO TRY AGAIN HALF A SECOND LATER, is really getting on my nerves.  I'm forbidding those damned obsidian rings now.

Dear Urist McJanitor:

STOP TRYING TO CLEAN THE DAMN BRIDGE IF YOU ARE SCARED.  I'm about to throw you down in the damn pit WITH the scary goblins.

[Samuel]

Dear Rakust,
I get that you don't have an assigned bedroom yet, but there are plenty of free rooms. Plus, Nil has been standing in her doorway in a strange mood for several days, and I doubt she takes kindly to you walking right past her and sleeping in her bed. I'm just sayin', I don't want any harm to come to you, but if she snaps and goes Lorena Bobbit on your ass, I can't promise I won't laugh.

-Your Fearless Leader

Dear Elf Merchants,
You probably should have taken that Elf skelaton you walked past as a warning. It did belong to one of the Elf Merchants who came before you, after all.

Signed,
Your not-too-subtle enemy

Dear Dwarves,
Did any of you kill that third Elf Merchant? I honestly can't find him anywhere. I'd hate to find out he's hiding somewhere, biding his time and preparing a Rambo-style revenge attack. I also want to kill him and take his stuff. He's presumably wearing a red-and-white striped robe.

-Signed, Your Leader

[SanDiego]

Dear Urist McRandomPeasant,
I know you are no mason, but which part of "Put a wall between us and the hellrift" didn't you understand? I hope you enjoy being walled in with countless unspeakable horrors.
Sincerely, you suck.

[Unshaven]

Dear Urist McNeglectfulparent

Would you please stop taking your new borns into danger room the burrow lists are only updated bi yearly till then it should be your responsibility not take your baby into the clearly marked room. The triple anti pet doors guarding the danger room should be taken as indication that it's not a safe place for the small and vulnerable.

Your concerned and bewildered overlord.