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[BigJake]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

Please train.
No, don't pickup equipment.
I don't care if he put it back in the bin.
Now you're not wearing plate...
No don't turn around again!
Now you're not wearing mail!
THE BREASTPLATE CAN STAY IN THE DAMN BIN GET TO WORK ARMOKDAMNIT!

Sincerely, The Management.

[Thadius]

Dear Migrant Wave,

I hate you all.  I really do.  But seeing as how my magma-based death-rain project has not even begun to be properly conceptualized, much less built, you are welcome for a time.

You are also all masons.

Now get to work on sealing us off from the outside world and all its horrible flying hazards.  I want that wall and roof built yesterday.

Dear Giant Cave Spiders,

Stay the fuck down there, I'm not ready for you lot yet.  Don't even think of finding some horrible path I haven't thought of to terrorize and murder my dwarves.

Dear Ducim Inoddolush,

I realize that you're a wonderful farmer and brewer.  I also realize that for a few months while I worked out the logistics of creating a farming area for you to use, you had no work and merely hauled shit.  Furthermore, it does not escape my notice that now we have an abundance of plant life and fine drinks, and that this is all your doing.

However, when the liaison shows up and wants to talk to you, that does not mean you get to ignore him.  Yes, I realize what you do is vital to our continued survival, but so isn't a caravan every now and then.  Please, for the love of Me, take a break.  Meng Uzolalil can cover for you.  Honest.

Dear Meng Fathatham,

Suck it up and deal.  Yeah, I know, working at the top of the volcano is not your idea of a forge of legends.  Be glad that you get to work with a volcano at all.  A little aerobic exercise while you haul the ores out of the mountain before you forge them is good for you.  If I feel so inclined, I may change your nickname to Hephaestus.  Whether or not you become a cripple is up to you.

Signed,
 Me, your eternal overseer.

[Vehudur]

Dear Elves:

No.  Just no.   Now go stand over there while I pull this lever, I promise nothing bad will happen.

Urist McMiner: 

Stop standing in the lava.  Seriously.  It's not healthy.

[meto30]

Your Majesty the Rightful Sovereign Lord Autocrat of the August Dwarven People of the Sacred Nation of the Static Portals King Unib Asmelkatthir,

   My lord King, while it is absolutely true that the apparent 'created wealth value' of your majesty's dominion the fortress of Udibdatur has increased tenfold in the last two years, the colony is in no shape to properly defend itself from a determined enemy. Because of this, and as I your humble servant have informed your majesty just last month in the annual report, all entrances have been sealed and hidden to prevent savages and other enemies of Dwarvenkind from getting inside. Thus, while it is entirely your majesty's perogative and right to do whatever seems best to your majesty with your majesty's subjects, it is me your servant's opinion that sending any more caravans or migration envoys to the local area will only endanger the loyal dwarves, and thus is not commendable. I kneel and beg your majesty to please stop sending them any more. We already have mutilated corpses of 97 dwarves left to the cruelty of nature outside the fortress walls.

Your loyal and humble subject and servant,
Expedition/Colony Leader and Commander of the Colony Militia
Udib Kolmozib




Dear Mebzuth Dishmabatast,

   No, that silver warhammer lying 140 meters west of the mountain face is not for you. Put that back down and get back inside. Otherwise we'll have to shut you out along with all those steel-armed kobolds. And no, you may not fight them.

Signed, Colony Leader
Udib Kolmozib the Relieved Chambers

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Urist McFancypants

Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work.  You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.

[Vehudur]

Dear Urist McDoctor, Stop going on break when you have a legendary miner sitting there bleeding to death.

[ZhangC1459]

Dear Urist McAxeLord

Get your already-healed ass out of the goddamn hospital already, you've been sleeping longer than Snow White.

[ungulateman]

To the military.

While I apprciate the fact you named yourself "The Spines of Steel", could you do it quicker next time? It's a bundle of paperwork to keep reforming the military and forming it up again.

[Graeldragon]

Dear Marksdwarves,
I appreciate your enthusiasm for training but please, please stop using the iron bolts to train, i already told you thats not what there for and you have a nice big stack of wooden ones use those. Oh and asking you to defend a burrow does not mean stare angrily at the goblins through the fortification it means shoot them.

Thanks,
 your overlord.

PS i know your pets being slaughtered upsets you but that doesn't mean you can throw a tantrum, especially wen you destroy the bridge your standing on and plummet 3 z levels into the lava pit, that just wastes valuable iron.

[Jacob/Lee]

Dear population of RingedRags,

Please, for the love of Armok and the sake of our wounded, don't sleep in the hospital beds. We have a nice barracks right next door, those beds are for you. Hospital beds are for hurt people, like the miners that valiantly fought off a goblin ambush.

[Samuel]

Dear Idiots,
If I see any tantrums over that fucking miasma I swear I'm going to kill you all. Do you know why I designated that dead Giant Mole to be dumped in the middle of nowhere far away from the fortress? So it wouldn't produce miasma! Do you know why you completely ignored that order? I sure as Hell don't! You'll notice that there is now a single, constructed floor tile in the middle of an otherwise rough hewn surface. That's because I had to channel out the ground from underneath the dead mole, then have a floor built over top of it. Just so you dumbasses didn't go crazy and kill each other because of some purple gas!

Signed,
Your exasperated Leader

PS sorry there's not much booze, but all of our barrels are full of plump helmets for some reason!

[Angry Bob]

Dear Urist McAccomplishedcook

The masterwork plump helmet biscuits I ordered dropped into the volcano were rotten. I know it's sad, but it's no reason to destroy your kitchen and beat the shit out of a carpenter and an armorer. I hope you enjoy your hammer-induced coma and fine pewter sarcophagous.

- Your lord and master

[Salamandangerous]

Dear Human mcNotadwarf: king of humans
I realize that your gemcutter/trader died on my front lawn last year. this was in fact the direct result of a double goblin ambush. For one reason or another he refused to scurry to the safety of the inner walls with his comrades (who all lived without injury) Rather he chose to stay out and take fifteen crossbow bolts to the neck.
You'll be happy to know we successfully drove off the retches and avenged your comrade fifteen times over, we also traded lucratively with your merchants buying booze wood and weapons in abundance. I humbly ask that you withdraw the fifteen hammermen you have stationed outside my keep, I am certainly not going to lower the drawbridge and your hammermen are certainly going to get a few boulders catapulted at them.

In short you are actually HELPING the goblins, you are helping the ones who killed your loyal gemcutter in cold blood.
Frustrated at your incredible stupidity and misguided rage- Lord of Bent Castle

[xellas84]

Dear Arith McElf:

Due to your overwhelming elfiness stench, we've built a special washer for you and your caravan.  Please do stand still in the death chamber washer and wait patiently.

Dear Urist McHauler:

Dammit, get those elf corpses out of the grates.  They are gonna stink up our bait trade depot!  And for the love of Armok, GET THOSE STUPID CLOTH SOCKS OUT OF THE GRATES.  They are from 3 caravans ago, and I unforbidded them and told you to dump them YEARS AGO!

[rat_pack40]

Dear Urist McFancypants

Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work.  You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.

Ahoy there, Fancypants!

....

Sorry, couldn't help myself, been playing the original monkey island recently.

I'll just be over there ===>
...