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[Hungry]

I really think I have something unique...

Spoiler: A poem...I think... (click to show/hide)

Crimson turns the tide off to right the seas a boil in the scar of light to feel thy breath nor ever more to sing the song of worthy living to lose the strength of eye or half no more the glimps of god for thy curse of burning sod given you the will to fight no more with thy final friend to this your grave and final home a call to take back what was your to crack the earth and break the sky bring vengence to the last born son under star and ice to forget the dawn call forth thy way to rack thy soul and kill your body for this has been to owns dealing a feast to the deep unbinding dirt of past in time not far away have not mind to see the pain opened in your minds once before you had to weep for man of honor brought from far to hearth and home and ended joy of ages gone and sorrows sown and where forth are tho favored one of golden hair and eyes so deep lost to lifes unforgiving trials pained so be death's holding grasp wavering so tears do fall and blood once shed for land and friend long ago and sure far under sky and yellowed star for days of old thy mind does tread sands of gold or blood too red from time long past half gone from sight brought to light by one of us we men of valor newly stained by wasteful pride of greed to live a boldened lie to our families we treat thy shame to say the words that bring the end of days those lost to man's memories to never see the day it comes to feel the heat but see no fire or know the words but never speak to see no light of eyes too dark to feel no joy or passing happiness long since dead but not deeper than the moisten clay so bring no song to empy hall so weild no sword ageinst mighty foe for at last is the foe of men come and reapt thy soul to keep until the final judgement day erupts to view the words of us the week of soul and lack of will gone are we now for ever were our songs sung for loud was our voice and glorious was our deeds but gone we stay for none shall stand who remember we as more then dust and bones to see lost are our words mistaken are our feets for long have we the best of beasts turned to men for we have died of our own hand and only left is none to show them we controlled it all in cities made of glass but turned to sand the wind remains to mock our cry a missing word to none to listen and none to hear for monsters were we to want the stars and grasp the tune but all is right its as it was to be as all to ash and all to burn the flesh consumed and the bones crack great the pain and more the hate for empty cause this is naught for the strike of the moon on hard winter night far from war and battle comes the sound of thunder crashing down the hearts of men with weakened will and battered soul to the point to crush him to the ground to grind his works to dust and bleach the efforts of all who lived and all who we stand apon to hold our tower upon high reaching to the power in heaven's hands but taken from us the ability to hold the powers of on high to destroy and create the future or the past for this is what every man fears for it shall be and is to come for all is told and none is done for we havent the strenght of mind to have known our fate or change what is beyond ours to influence with armor gone and weapons broke all that comes we have faught with tooth and nail inch for inch through the snow and pouring rain to battle we rode for honor and victory close in hand battle won but all are lost.

Its in the right format, so read as is...

Spoiler: explaination of sorts (click to show/hide)

The red of(crimson)in the tide(turns the tide)to look(off)and not(to right)with(the seas a boil)in the heating(in the scar of light)which is not a sun, but whats left of one(to feel thy breath nor ever more)this refers to being dead(to sing the song of worthy living)to laugh(to lose the strength of eye half)to misunderstand, or be ignorant(no more the glimps of god)so see the world no more(for thy curse of burning sod)a destroyed world(given you the will to fight no more with thy final friend to this your grave and final home)to give in to death, to die or commit suicide(a call to take back what was your)life after death, or zombies(to crack the earth and break the sky)to rise from the grave(bring vengence to the last born son under star and ice)this refers to christ, the star of christ, and winter(to forget the dawn)an unknown date(call forth thy way)travel(to rack thy soul and kill your body)something very spirtual and painful(for this has been to owns dealing)willingly, or caused by ownself(a feast to the deep unbinding dirt of past)rot and filth(in time not far away)soon(have not mind to see the pain opened in your minds once before)having had sorrow or regret, but not remembering(you had to weep for man)mankind is broken or dead(of honor brought from far to hearth and home and ended)honor from distance is no longer comeing(joy of ages gone and sorrows sown)no one is happy and all are sad(and where forth are tho favored one)speaks of lost love(of golden hair and eyes so deep)of beauty(lost to lifes unforgiving trials)died young(pained so be death's holding grasp)mourning for a loss(wavering so tears do fall)crying over memories(and blood once shed for land and friend)having served in defence and been wounded(long ago and sure far under sky and yellowed star)before the world ended(for days of old thy mind does tread)remembering(sands of gold or blood too red from time long past)a long ago desert battle or war(half gone from sight)dim or burried(brought to light)remembered(by one of us we men of valor)a veteran of war(newly stained by wasteful pride of greed)bribery(to live a boldened lie to our families)living not like our family has(we treat thy shame)to console or be consoled(to say the words that bring the end of days)to bring war(those lost to man's memories)like none remembered(to never see the day it comes)to die before it happens(to feel the heat but see no fire)a weapon that is unseen(or know the words but never speak)to not say anything(to see no light)death of a sun(of eyes too dark to feel no joy)empty souled beings or people(or passing happiness long since dead)happyness of the past(but not deeper than the moisten clay)burried shallow(so bring no song to empty hall)sing to no one(so weild no sword ageinst mighty foe)fight no more(for at last is the foe of men come and reapt thy soul to keep until the final judgement day)death has come and taken you until the end(erupts to view)comes(the words of us)writen or spoken words(the week of soul and lack of will)weak of faith and will(gone are we now)death of mankind(for ever were our songs sung)for as long as we were(for loud was our voice and glorious was our deeds)mankind was powerful(but gone)no more(we stay)we are here(for none shall stand who remember we as more then dust and bones to see)mankind gone extinct(lost are our words mistaken are our feets)no record of our language and achivements(for long have we the best of beasts)animals(turned to men)evolved(for we have died of our own hand)self destruction(and only left is none to show them we controlled it all)none left to tell our power(in cities made of glass but turned to sand)our cities returned to earth(the wind remains to mock our cry)speaking wind or something(a missing word to none to listen)uninteligible giberish(and none to hear)that no one heard(for monsters were we to want the stars)wrongly travel to the star(and grasp the tune)and change things(but all is right its as it was to be)all back to original state(as all to ash)destroyed all(and all to burn)more destruction(the flesh consumed and the bones crack)referes to destruction(great the pain and more the hate)caused pain and hate(for empty cause this is naught)for a nonempty reason(for the strike of the moon on hard winter night)this refers to the full moon near winter(far from war and battle)somewhere safe(comes the sound of thunder crashing down)dosen't mean a sound(the hearts of men with weakened will and battered soul to the point)weak faithed and willed men destroyed(to crush him to the ground to grind his works to dust and bleach the efforts of all who lived and all who we stand apon)to destroy mankind, its history and all its done(to hold our tower upon high reaching to the power in heaven's hands)mankind's power taken from the sun(but taken from us the ability to hold the powers of on high)not being able to control said power(to destroy and create the future or the past)control of time(for this is what every man fears for it shall be and is to come)fears realized(for all is told and none is done)prophecies come true(for we havent the strenght of mind)ignorance(to have known our fate or change what is beyond ours to influence)to not know the future and have no more control(with armor gone and weapons broke)peace through war(all that comes we have faught with tooth and nail inch for inch)a hard faught battle(through the snow and pouring rain to battle we rode for honor and victory close in hand)to war we went close and far(battle won but all are lost.)war won and mankind is dead.

[Cheeetar]

I find that extremely hard to read, and the metaphors (scar of light, strength of eye?) are annoying. Also, spelling mistakes.

This might be better suited to Creative Projects than Life Advice.

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

what is this word salad. It reads like alphabet soup.

[Dragooble]

JUST how HIGH do you even have to BE to DO something like that....................

[Heron TSG]

Looking at the negative gives me an awesome dungeon map for my DnD campaign.

Just have to add in more pointless dead ends.

[Jervous]

No offense, but it sounds like the lyrics to a dragonforce song.

[Hungry]

I would add a explaination to it, but it would take longer than it took to write the damned thing...

Posted explaination...if it dont help nothing can.

[Cheeetar]

Nothing can.

[Outcast Orange]

You somehow made it even more painful.
I am impressed.

I feel the urge to never type the word crim...
Never mind.

[Hungry]

Too true the pain caused pattern of mine mind forced though sight upon the page...

...of the force of will...

...until the words fall...

(and to say this is how I think, would be too plain)

[Vector]

Question: What, in particular, do you consider unique about this piece?  Is it the incomprehensibility and enormously run-on sentences?  Look no farther than James Joyce and Faulkner.  Perhaps it is the diction and imagery, which is common to 13-year-old girls everywhere (take a gander at Fanfiction.net and tell me they don't use similar word choice).

Maybe it's the lack of planning for your poem.  Maybe it's the lack of decipherable meaning.  Maybe it's your odd obsession with ellipses, or with your own uniqueness, or with the concept of Pain.

All those subjects have been covered in depth before, by both better and worse men by you.


Neither incomprehensibility nor punctuation abuses can make you great.  Your pedestrian imagery and poor diction--as well as the distinct lack of any sort of rhyme, meter, or flow--are unattractive.  Further, your translations of each phrase do not mean that the poem has meaning.  Perhaps each word attaches to a certain concept, but the whole appears both meaningless and unreadable.

That said, people write for a reason.  If writing makes you feel better about life, then write away.  Everything you write thus will be good, since it has meaning to humanity (i.e. you).  It does not, however, mean that it is good in a broader sense.  Your piece is not well-written.  I would likely have been ashamed to turn it in in elementary school--though believe me, I have written my share of horrors.  I, however, tend to keep them in my notebook where they belong.

I am sorry if you feel that I have been needlessly harsh, but your opening post (and subsequent statements) seemed to request opinions on the uniqueness of your piece.  Please keep on writing; far be it for me to dissuade you.  You are likely quite capable of creating unusual and unique work.  That said, this poem is neither.  I hope to make a statement to the contrary in the future.

[Hungry]

Thank you Vector,

The cause for the uniqueness, that I mean, is that all the pain in reading this, from the annoying ellipses, to the concept of decribed pain, and unmeaning drag-on sentence of horror, even the lack of meaning to this writing through mixed and confusing dictation and imagery were all planned to create the conglomorate of badly writen words.

You seem to have gotten the cause of meaninglessness and pain that I intended, expecially with the translations of nonsense, but unfortunetly it seems not the desired effect of confusion, anger, or wearyness...although the rest surely got that, but probably not together.

Thank you again, I really was worried no one would critic this the way I required.

[Vector]

Thank you Vector,

The cause for the uniqueness, that I mean, is that all the pain in reading this, from the annoying ellipses, to the concept of decribed pain, and unmeaning drag-on sentence of horror, even the lack of meaning to this writing through mixed and confusing dictation and imagery were all planned to create the conglomorate of badly writen words.

You seem to have gotten the cause of meaninglessness and pain that I intended, expecially with the translations of nonsense, but unfortunetly it seems not the desired effect of confusion, anger, or wearyness...although the rest surely got that, but probably not together.

Thank you again, I really was worried no one would critic this the way I required.

Oh.  That was intentionally shit?  No wonder, it's modern art in that case.

I am actually pleasantly surprised, to be honest.  I was worried that I was being too offensive.  As far as the "confusion, anger, and weariness" goes, I think I'm largely inured to that by now by virtue of having read so much horrible writing.  I honestly didn't read the entire thing, because if I had actually tried to understand what you were saying I probably would have gone quite mad.


This is astoundingly well-played.  Your overall setup was very good, though I think you might want to experiment a little with length/diction.  There's a certain level of horrible that makes people stop reading prematurely (or just skip around, which is what I did), whereas other sorts can compel people to read to the end and then say "WHY IN THE HELL DID I READ THIS CONFUSING PILE OF CRAP?!?!?"

The truth, however, is that I don't think you'll be able to invoke "weariness" without cleaning up the work a little.  Forming little eddies of coherence should serve to pull the reader along, though at the end you can do a quick descent into your current style.  Anger and confusion shouldn't be hard, though, especially with your "explanation."

Just a thought, in case you decide to inflict this on other people 


I'll also admit that this made me burst out laughing:

"(a missing word to none to listen)uninteligible giberish"

[Hungry]

Yes, I have been getting trouble with streaking coherence properly into it, like putting a circle of blue in a work of modern art, it doesn't sit right.

Also, I was happy to see you wanted to offend some but still not seem whole scale antagonistic.

[Zironic]

I wrote this song about a false girl. It's not very good. And it's definitely not unique. So I'm not going to post it. 90% of songs is framing anyways.