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[scriver]

I skipped work today.

Every time I exercise, lift something heavy, or have to exert myself, I feel it for days and days. Even hiking a mile or two for groceries makes my legs itch like I ran a marathon.

Pretty sure I'm in the worst shape I've ever been in my life.

You can work out with me, Soli. I'm also in the worst shape of my life.

You can work out with me, MZ and Solo. I am also in the worst shape of my life.

Going for walks is the most i care to do, and sometimes not even that much. I've had a Fitness World membership, can't say i enjoyed it in the slightest. I'm not at all ashamed of my pale and skinny nerd body (even being naked isn't much of an issue, i mostly worry about untimely boners in such cases), but i hate exhaustion, i find the inside of the gym to be uninteresting and uninspiring to look at, and find exercise on its own to be spectacularly dull (it turns into a "just gotta get it over with" thing, and then my brain's like "it's over if i stop doing it lolol"). That, and i'm intensely bothered by people who just (noisily) throw barbell weights to the ground from overhead instead of lowering them slowly in a much more impressive display of strength and control. >.> (though to be fair to the clientele, they generally kept to themselves and/or were friendly when they did interact with me)

... THAT SAID, i know plenty of people who like it as much as i dislike it, so don't let the anecdotes of a lazy nerd dissuade you from getting buff. :v

I'd kill for a pale and skinny nerd body instead of my fat and pasty nerd body.

[ChairmanPoo]

I'm feeling a weird sort of loneliness... in particular, I feel like at the very least I should have a crush on someone, but not only I dont, but I'm feeling a weird detatchment from wordly affairs...

[Helgoland]

Soon the hair at the top of your head and around the bottom will fall out. You will start chanting uncounsciously, your clothing will become more and more drab. Finally you shall feel the urge to give away your worldly possessions and to renounce worldly pleasure. That is when you will start migrating, looking for a new home.

And that's how you'll become a monk.

[helmacon]

...or a supervillain. Only in that case, the clothing tends to be more colorful, and you renounce your worldly pleasures in favor of revenge or something.

[Shook]

Sounds more like spontaneous monking to me, if only because "monk" is a funnier word. :v

In other news, i've finally figured out what to call the feeling that's nibbling at the back of my head all the time when i'm not distracted by something: I feel lost. I have no sense of direction in my life. I'm just aimlessly blundering about, hoping that i stumble upon the rainbow that'll lead me to a pot of gold, if it even exists. I can't even bring myself to just pick a direction and go from there, because i'm already tired of picking the wrong direction. Hell, i feel afraid of picking a direction, knowing that i'm very likely to end up flopping that as well, and thus spend another couple of years on something that's ultimately pointless. Even more annoyingly, i'm scared to tell these things to the ones who are close to me, so i'm not sure if they know how badly it bums me out.

[ChairmanPoo]

You might be onto something with the spontaneous monking. I'm finding myself more and more dedicated to study. And of course I left my home recently in search for enlightement as a foreigner in a foreign land...

[Solifuge]

Spoiler: Putting this in here to get it out of the way (click to show/hide)

Vaguebooking in brief, to vent.

Lately, I've been feeling the weight of how my life is so unlike where I want to be, and unlike the way I want to live. Working abroad, graduating from college, the two untenably poor-paying careers that inspired me unlike any other has before or since... things I cared about, but gave up out of necessity. All the impractical goals I've chased, without the skills or resources, or a plan that evidenced success; things I struggled with and failed at enough times to see I wasn't gaining ground... just treading a circle, without the knowledge or means or stroke of luck to break out of it. I cling to optimism and hope just to keep bearing on forward, but it blinds me to the unreality of my goals, or to the magnitude of the problems I need to contend with. What use is that hope, if it sets me up to fail? And without hope, what's the use in trying anything?

I'm feeling the holes where so many people I cared deeply about used to be; the handful who are dead (and one who is dying), the dozens who are busy living new lives with people they prefer the company of, the few who were companions but never truly friends, the many that grew too distant with time and neglect, and the couple that refuse contact and distance themselves for their own private reasons. I've worked very hard to build relationships with these people over the years... exposing insecurities and faults, those asinine dreams and hopes, all that stuff; tried to build foundations on which the folks in my life could better understand me, as I try to understand them. Every connection I've built with someone and lost hurts in it's own distinct way. The hurt increases with how close I become to these people, but doesn't seem to diminish with time and distance. It just compounds, with every missed connection. It's hard to see the reason to keep trying to build bonds with people, when we're all just mortal and fickle things. It's hard to see the value in the joy of knowing someone, when losing them is so much more powerfully and lingeringly painful.

I'm not quitting. I'm tired of hurting, and I'm tired of trying and failing, and I'm tired of grieving and losing people, and I'm tired of living. But some stubborn, stony part of me won't give up, even when everything in me wants to. I'll keep plodding forward until I die or collapse. But I'm so very tired of this. I need this to change, but there's no changing this. It's just the capricious nature of life.

[itisnotlogical]

My entire body hurts all over in a way that it doesn't unless I've fallen on the ground, or gone really hard on an exercise without cooling down. I know it's stress causing me to be tense 24/7. People have started asking me why I walk with a hunch and telling me that I sound terrible.

[TheBiggerFish]

I was unable to finish an exam practical, for the first time in...roughly ever.

Argh.

Not fun.

Especially when you're pretty sure that it's because of various external technical difficulties that should have been remedied long before this point that you weren't able to finish.

[DeKaFu]

There was a spider in my room a couple nights ago.

I was already struggling to sleep from nonspecific stress, and this thing started running laps around my ceiling... I normally kill spiders, because they freak me out when they get too close, but I was too tired and miserable for it to seem like a good idea this time.

Instead I made a deal with the spider. As long as it stayed on or near the ceiling (which they normally do) I wouldn't do anything to it. I looked at it as taking steps towards overcoming my (stupid, irrational) arachnophobia.

And it... kinda worked? I was nervous sharing my room with it the first night, but after that it somehow started to grow on me... The way it always vanished during the day and wandered around the ceiling industriously all night. I started thinking of it as a "she". Kinda liked how I could always look around the corners of the ceiling and spot her somewhere, doing her thing. Was able to get to sleep without being paranoid that she'd drop down on me in the dark.

...Anyway she just now decided to relocate to the wall directly next to my bed and after a minute of distressed hesitation I mashed her with a kleenex box. And now my room feels empty and so do I.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs*

[TempAcc]

JESUS CHRIST NURSEPERSON, DO YOU REALLY NEED THAT MUCH OF MY BLOOD?

I KNOW ITS FOR LIKE 9 DIFFERENT TESTS OR SOMETHING BUT JEEZ.

CHAIRMANPOO WAS RIGHT, SECRET VAMPIRE CABAL CONFIRMED.

[Rolan7]

Ugh this is awkward, but just a funny coincidence...
Dad's birthday was today, so I went out for a little cheap wine just now.  Store only had the undrinkable stuff like "chillable red"...  But also a special on my dad's favorite.

I don't have a corkscrew, but I'll work something out.

Also the very nice cashier with the radical dreadlocks commented on me "switching it up".  Actually had a brief chat about fathers and wine (apparently in Greece there's a vodka that tastes like black licorice).  Was nice!  Just also made me feel self-conscious.  I mean, I'm probably about to screwdriver a cork apart.  Plus this means she remembers me as the guy who buys cheap box wine.  Bleh.

Was actually a really nice day though, just a wave of self-consciousness now.

Edit:  Actually screw that, I don't need a drink that much.  I'll just dream what I may.

[hector13]

I do believe that licorice stuff is Ouzo. It is wonderful, though not vodka.

[Rolan7]

Yeah, Ouzo is what she said!  Maybe "like vodka", not sure.