Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Tiruin]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I feel like I've only got three emotions: anger (at myself generally but also at other things), sadness and emptiness. I wish that I could just stop pretending to give a fuck about anything but that's not really a possibility.[...]

That's going to help very little--'pretending to not care'. This is a sad for me because I'm tired of hearing this oxymoronic phrase of "I don't care" when in fact people do (albeit due to context, it can more mean 'but it's not my concern or I'm focused on something else', or if it's a case of facing one's own responsibilities under pressure, it's more for the pressure than the responsibilities).
You're at an age wherein this will seem a lot like crushing the life out of you--do not give up. And do not conclude by feelings alone; you are allowed to feel, if any doubts persist, because emotions are just as important as the reasoning you go through at the end when you make action from it all. Such follows anger--it isn't a stimulus by itself but a response to what one perceives.
Please talk about it with your family or others you're in contact with there. School teachers or otherwise.

[SalmonGod]

But sleeping brings dreams and other shit.
And in general fuck sleeping (although in all fairness it's better than hallucinations that start after 48 hours or so).

I've never hallucinated from sleep deprivation.  Not on the several occassions where I've stayed up for 3 days straight without even micro-napping.  Not when I averaged 4 hours of sleep a night for 5 straight months, with plenty of all-nighters mixed in (my first semester of school as a parent).

Cue movie moment, where the camera pulls back to reveal me actually wearing a straight jacket in a padded room, staring off into space.

And I'm on the fence about whether I'd rather have nightmares then no dreams.  I seriously just close my eyes and open them, and there's nothing in-between.  Maybe some emotional residue that fades completely within 5 seconds of waking.  It's awful, because it's so hard to make myself go to sleep.  To me, it's not like choosing to go to sleep, which is how people normally think about it because there is some kind of experience associated with sleep.  To me, choosing to go lay down for bed is the same as choosing to initiate the morning of the next day.  I can tell this is not the relationship most people have with sleep, which is why I have so much more trouble than most people forcing myself to do it.

The few nightmares I have had weren't really so bad, either.  I've had two that kept me seriously shaken up, for more than a couple minutes after waking.  Both when I was a kid.  The other three I can think of were terrifying in the middle of them, but I actually enjoyed mulling over after I'd woken up.

[Tack]

All.

That sounds like a fucking wild ride.
Why are you not jumping on that like 'Fuck every TV show out right now'.

[hector13]

Only to address the third sad, there's nothing wrong with feeling inadequate, it's more how you deal with it. You can learn from the things they do by socializing with them, asking questions and such. Clever folk like to show off their knowledge, min.

[chaotic skies]

Spoiler: Caroline Sads 1 + 2 (click to show/hide)

I can't be of much help here, as usual, but I guess...try to find the silver lining? I'm not exactly good at...anything really, but the only thing I know to do is say this: Whatever's bugging you, whether it's this, or something else in the future, just remember this: The people that make you sad, and angry, and whatever else now? They're probably not going to do anything impressive themselves. They're more than likely going to be forgotten about by all but their living family members. But you? You can do anything. You can do anything, even if you don't think you can.

I'm also not suggesting this as a good idea, just a possibility. You said you're locked in what is presumably your bedroom, correct? You also have access to the internet, or else you wouldn't be posting here. If you can, look up a way to get through the locks on the door, or if you have a window close-ish to the ground, figure out a way to climb out of it and to the ground.

As a side note, and I'm probably just another over-reacting internet idiot, but this sounds a lot like abuse. I encourage you to talk to someone who can stop it if you can, but it's still up to you. No one else can really do anything to start fixing things besides you.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Parents. Mine, specifically. Makes me sad. I remember, back when I was...3? Yeah, three or four years old. It was great. They got along, me and my brother got along, there wasn't much to worry about. Now, my parents hate each other and pretty much use me and my brother as a way to spite each other. I don't get along with my brother. I'm slowly losing my will to get up in the morning. At least school just started. Maybe I'll meet some interesting people and not hang out with the same old people this year. Or maybe I'll keep dreaming that things might change in Small Town America^(tm) for the first time in years, all because I'm bored with the way things are. Heh. Always was a dreamer. Used to dream of my parents getting along, and my future, and what I wanted to do when I'm done with high school. Now my biggest dream is to just live with the knowledge that my family isn't at each other's throats, and that they might have moved on in the past ten years or so. Another day, another dream never realized.

[TheBiggerFish]

@Caroline:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I believe your parents may be just the tiniest bit completely insane.  I'm just glad you can at least talk about it here...  And I wholeheartedly second his statements.

Also, knowing things is half the battle.  Heck, knowing things is a profession.  It's called 'project manager'.  ;P  Think about it, right?

Also, if you're interested, Internet programming tutorials.  I can, and will, help you with Java, even, and I'm sure there are people watching the Programming Help Thread like hawks.  But, helpful hawks.

And as chaotic skies said, you really should try and find somebody/some way to get out of that situation.

@SalmonGod:I rarely ever dream either.  Perhaps one occasion within living memory, and fragments of childhood dreams.  I don't think anybody knows why we do or don't dream, but maybe you should read up on it?

[alexandertnt]

I almost never remember my dream, but I am pretty sure I do dream frequently.

I found keeping a dream diary works wonders for remembering dreams (probably just because I now have a reason and desire to remember them), but I also found it hard to convince myself to write anything down right after waking up. I am a zombie in the morning.

[Trapezohedron]

Philippine politics. Going dystopia pretty fast.

Fuck human rights these witches drug dealers must die. They're killing our children!

Logic and Reasoning is dead too, with people saying such baffling things as: They're giving too much stock on Extrajudicial killings; Every single one of them deserved to die (no evidence for being drug dealers); and they're suspected drug dealers anyway, serves them right.

Someone's forgetting the meaning of the word: Suspect.

[WillowLuman]

Spoiler: Thoughts I know are wrong but won't leave me alone (click to show/hide)

As reality comes knocking again, as I am reminded of my inability to stay on top of bills and paperwork (to the detriment of my folks), my inability to get a single job app accepted, my inability to even remember to call for refills on my important meds, I once again get these thoughts that, being unable to live like a functional adult, I do not deserve to live.

[Tiruin]

Philippine politics.

edited my response but it was summed up as 'aurgh, awareness and knowledge are really important things here and which are lacking in what's going on [or what's making the...controversial headlines]'. Very complex :I but very ughh.

Which reminds me of how important education and self-education is and how lacking it may be in many areas here. The latter pertaining to how one keeps themselves in handling, working with, and progressing with their thoughts and understanding what's going on. Like negative thoughts--there's the assumption that one is only responsible for their actions instead of both that and their thinking. And then how to work with that. >_< The 'how' is very important!

[scriver]

Something is up with car exhaust system. Had to stop and drive back home.

No work today.

[sprinkled chariot]

So I got accepted to the interview for the basicly dream job,
and I feel that on said interview I sounded retarded. 

[Yoink]

So I got accepted to the interview for the basicly dream job,
and I feel that on said interview I sounded retarded. 

Don't feel too bad, I just made a huge arse of myself ordering the dream burrito.
Always great to be reminded of what an incredibly awkward dipshit I am.
I'm starting to think hunger aggravates my social anxiety or something... this was worse than previous Burrito Bungles, though.

Edit: Oh well, I'm about to eat it. Hopefully the taste, along with a Big Ol' Burrito-Buddy Beer, will wash away the sour taste of my ineptitude. 

[TheBiggerFish]

So I got accepted to the interview for the basicly dream job,
and I feel that on said interview I sounded retarded. 

We all think we're worse than we are.  You probably did well.

@HugoLuman:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Do you have a smartphone, or even just get a planner or calendar and use that to keep track of what you need to do.  I know there's an app with deadline timers out there.  Get a document tray or two and organize your paperwork however you think will help you get it done.  If you can't do the things as they are now, change your circumstances instead.

As for jobs?  Everybody, and I mean everybody, applies to a bajillion jobs^{[citation needed]} before getting their job, and they stop after getting that job most of the time, so we never really hear about the job search's struggles that much, y'know?  But your experience isn't uncommon, or indicative that you're bad at adulting.

@Trapezohedron:Stay safe.  *hugs*

@scriver: 
Hope it's not terribad.

[Yoink]

My Sad: just... why the hell did I move. What was I thinking. God damn it self why do you always make things worse. WHAT A DINK.

The more I think about things, the better my old place/living situation seems.
No matter that I was miserable when I was there, now that I'm somewhere worse my brain does its best to convince me that it was freakin' paradise.

Although to be fair, the main reason I made the decision to move did turn out to... not be a thing. It was pretty stupid overall.
Still, I'm pissed enough at myself without my brain exaggerating and making things seem even worse than they are.