I don't know why I'm going to tell strangers on the internet about this, but honestly, I don't know where else to get all this off my chest.
Almost three years ago, the day I graduated high school, I left my high school sweetheart. I absolutely loved her, like no one else. And I'd been with a dozen girls before her and half as many after, at least. Hell, nothing else I've ever felt for a woman can really be called love compared to what I felt for her. Only woman I've ever been in love with. But things had just not been quite right for a month or two, and it all came to a point, so I ended it that night.
Maybe I shouldn't have done it so easily without trying to fix things, but with struggling to overcome having sabotaged myself for three years of High School to actually manage to graduate and problems at home, I was beyond stressed out, and I couldn't think straight. I needed room to breathe. And so that was it. A year and a half down the drain.
Naturally, the next few months were rough, but I got over it. Or I thought I had.
Today I came to a realization. I never stopped loving her, or missing her, but instead had just buried it so far down I didn't even know it was there still. And for almost three years, I thought I'd moved on, but that hurt and guilt and everything else has been festering. I've been going from fling to unsuccessful fling in those three years and I never knew why they just never amounted to anything at all. And now I think I realize why.
So I've cried. Hard. I probably still have a bit more left tonight. Because I realize I have to deal with these emotions now or it will only get worse. And it hurts a lot. I'm hoping that coming to terms with my emotions instead of just "manning up" and ignoring it might actually get me back to where I need to be. Because this feels like hell right now. And I just don't know what else to do but let the waterworks flow. And to tell some strangers on the internet why I'm crying for the first time in months.