I'm unwell and everything I start to write here is a bad decision. I don't even know where to fucking start.
It's so hard to take everything one step at a time when there's no time to take any steps and the entire week gets blown taking little steps of taking care of oneself, and all the same nothing gets done by the time it needs to be done, and all you can do is think about how awful you are for not being able to water a fucking plant as you watch it die on your desk
I can't do anything right and I'm scared my pans are rusting because I just can't get myself to go take care of them
And I know all this is wrong and the plant will be fine if I water it tomorrow and no one's going to steal my shit and my pans aren't in any danger of rust and no one's trying to hurt me right now
I just can't seem to be able to do anything, and it hurts, and I don't want anyone to take care of me because I don't trust anyone to.
And I have to meet the poetry guy tomorrow and set up doctor appointments and contact the ex-friend who contacted me and I just don't feel like I can deal with this shit. Ugh, I'm crying again. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.
Why is it that I always feel so hopeless right when I need strength to build a good future?
It's my ex-best friend's birthday today and I'm not sending her any wishes. I'm too tired to write a Facebook message.
You're alive, that's pretty awesome. I like you for that. You're alive and a nice person.
My PM-box is open. I'm no professional or anything even close. But it's there and it's a safe place. Promise.
And yeah, this goes to all y'all out there with sad and you feel like you gotta get it off your chest but don't feel safe in public.
I'll keep it there. I'll even delete it after reading it. Or not reading it. Just lemme know and it'll get removed from webspace without a second glance.
Because, I mean, you're all beautiful people and I don't want you to feel trapped. That's bad.
Like, really bad. I don't like it when you guys are sad because it means a wonderful person's having a rough moment.
But that's why I like the sad thread. It's a great thread to have. I really feel like it's a safe place, as safe as an open forum can be, I think.