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[Solifuge]

Josh, do you see the difference between these?

Went to go see the shrink, he's as nice as I remember him, so that's good. I was able to get some stuff off my chest, so I feel a bit better, and we set up a goal for me to be more sociable. Guess I'm gonna see him next week.

I just went to see my therapist, or shrink, or quack, or guidance counselor, or 'paid friend' as he liked to refer to it, and I don't think I could walk away feeling shittier.
-snip-
Just going to the place is such a profound kill to my mood, I just can't muster any enthusiasm in speaking about anything. I'm just speaking in this samish depressed tone for the entire hour. At the end of it all, I'm pretty sure I've only convinced the man that I'm another one of the dime a dozen depressed retards that litter society like the milkable human trash they are.

When I'm depressed, sometimes it helps to look at the person I was before, and compare that to how I feel and act now. Rationalizing through depression might not work the same for you, but that sense of perspective helps me get a grip on things.

I'm very familiar with that impulse to tear everything about yourself down, even seeking to punish yourself because (for reasons a mind caught up in delusions of self-loathing can't fathom), the world wasn't punishing you properly for being such a "terrible person". But punishing and actively hating yourself is a waste of what energy you have. It doesn't address the things that made you upset at yourself at all, or help improve anything. It just spends your energy to hurt yourself.

For the sake of comparison, here's a play-by-play of the way I might handle the Stop Sign incident...

...when I'm in a healthy state of mind:
1) Initial Realization: Oh shit, I just blew a Stop Sign!
2) Take Responsibility: I could have hurt or killed someone, myself included.
3) Recognize Fault: I was distracting myself by singing showtunes in the car again.
4) Self-Forgiveness: Mistakes happen, and I can't change it now. I'm capable of driving better, so I will.
5) Plan of Action: I'll take the rest of the trip a little slower, and stop distracting myself.

...when I'm depressed:
1) Initial Realization: Oh shit, I just blew a Stop Sign!
2) Take Responsibility: That was horrible. I could have killed someone.
3) Recognize Fault: If I had been paying enough attention, that wouldn't have happened.
4) Self-Doubt: I must be a terrible driver. Why am I even on the road?
5) More Self-Doubt: Maybe I'm just incompetent? Probably am just incompetent.
6) And so on... That other guy at the intersection probably thinks I'm an idiot. And who am I to argue?
7) ...etc. I shouldn't be sharing the road with decent drivers. I'm just a liability.

I know it's not easy, but consider how forgiving yourself and making a plan of action might better serve you, and the other people around you. And how throwing yourself in the bottomless pit of self-loathing might not help anyone, including yourself.

[Nadaka]

Besides all that jazz, Pacific Rim was a damn good movie.

It had hot mecha on kaiju action. And it had every damn line delivered by Tessho Genda, seriously the Marshall was awesome. What more could you ask?

[Xantalos]

Besides all that jazz, Pacific Rim was a damn good movie.

It had hot mecha on kaiju action. And it had every damn line delivered by Tessho Genda, seriously the Marshall was awesome. What more could you ask?

The actual GLADoS being in it.

[Sirus]

Besides all that jazz, Pacific Rim was a damn good movie.

It had hot mecha on kaiju action. And it had every damn line delivered by Tessho Genda, seriously the Marshall was awesome. What more could you ask?

The actual GLADoS being in it.

Except it pretty much was GLaDOS: same voice actor with a very similar process done to it.

"Would you like to try again?"

[Xantalos]

Besides all that jazz, Pacific Rim was a damn good movie.

It had hot mecha on kaiju action. And it had every damn line delivered by Tessho Genda, seriously the Marshall was awesome. What more could you ask?

The actual GLADoS being in it.

Except it pretty much was GLaDOS: same voice actor with a very similar process done to it.

"Would you like to try again?"

But more dialogue for her would be optimal.

[Vector]

It was a damn good movie, indeed.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the director's cut, actually, since apparently Toro cut an hour of character development from the piece.  Could be fun~

[Xantalos]

It was a damn good movie, indeed.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the director's cut, actually, since apparently Toro cut an hour of character development from the piece.  Could be fun~

O_O


YES

[Vector]

Like I said, LIVESTREAM <3

EDIT: Well wait, never mind =[

[Vector]

I literally just argued with my mother for six hours.

I need more of a mental workout than I've been getting recently, it seems.  Oy vey.

[Pnx]

I literally just argued with my mother for six hours.

I need more of a mental workout than I've been getting recently, it seems.  Oy vey.

... Dragon time?

[Xantalos]

Or if you want to relax: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ST-k7oin5LQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DST-k7oin5LQ

[Sirus]

I ate half my sandwich. I'm still hungry thanks to not eating anything for nearly 24 hours. Eat the other half now, while it is fresh to satisfy my hunger? Or save it for tomorrow, saving some money on food and helping to keep me from becoming a fat bastard of a trucker? D:

[Furtuka]

Summer reading and associated essay >_<

[JoshuaFH]

If I needed a meeting to validate any suicidal ideation I might have, it was this.

Out of curiosity, do you feel actual desire toward self-termination in that regardless of your situation you find life to be cumbersome, or do you just have a feeling more along the lines of "my life, as it stands, is nearly unbearable, and I wish I were in completely different circumstances"?

I ask just because I used to think of myself as suicidal, but after some introspection I found I had a very, very large fear of death and a large desire to continue living, but just happened to be living in a very unbearable situation.

A fear of death and value of life are really just instinctive things, but that's digressing. Alot of my ideation is just feeling that my life is socially (as in existing as a part of society) worthless, and that I just can't take myself seriously or expect anyone else to understand.

Josh, do you see the difference between these?

Went to go see the shrink, he's as nice as I remember him, so that's good. I was able to get some stuff off my chest, so I feel a bit better, and we set up a goal for me to be more sociable. Guess I'm gonna see him next week.

I just went to see my therapist, or shrink, or quack, or guidance counselor, or 'paid friend' as he liked to refer to it, and I don't think I could walk away feeling shittier.
-snip-
Just going to the place is such a profound kill to my mood, I just can't muster any enthusiasm in speaking about anything. I'm just speaking in this samish depressed tone for the entire hour. At the end of it all, I'm pretty sure I've only convinced the man that I'm another one of the dime a dozen depressed retards that litter society like the milkable human trash they are.

When I'm depressed, sometimes it helps to look at the person I was before, and compare that to how I feel and act now. Rationalizing through depression might not work the same for you, but that sense of perspective helps me get a grip on things.

I'm very familiar with that impulse to tear everything about yourself down, even seeking to punish yourself because (for reasons a mind caught up in delusions of self-loathing can't fathom), the world wasn't punishing you properly for being such a "terrible person". But punishing and actively hating yourself is a waste of what energy you have. It doesn't address the things that made you upset at yourself at all, or help improve anything. It just spends your energy to hurt yourself.

For the sake of comparison, here's a play-by-play of the way I might handle the Stop Sign incident...

...when I'm in a healthy state of mind:
1) Initial Realization: Oh shit, I just blew a Stop Sign!
2) Take Responsibility: I could have hurt or killed someone, myself included.
3) Recognize Fault: I was distracting myself by singing showtunes in the car again.
4) Self-Forgiveness: Mistakes happen, and I can't change it now. I'm capable of driving better, so I will.
5) Plan of Action: I'll take the rest of the trip a little slower, and stop distracting myself.

...when I'm depressed:
1) Initial Realization: Oh shit, I just blew a Stop Sign!
2) Take Responsibility: That was horrible. I could have killed someone.
3) Recognize Fault: If I had been paying enough attention, that wouldn't have happened.
4) Self-Doubt: I must be a terrible driver. Why am I even on the road?
5) More Self-Doubt: Maybe I'm just incompetent? Probably am just incompetent.
6) And so on... That other guy at the intersection probably thinks I'm an idiot. And who am I to argue?
7) ...etc. I shouldn't be sharing the road with decent drivers. I'm just a liability.

I know it's not easy, but consider how forgiving yourself and making a plan of action might better serve you, and the other people around you. And how throwing yourself in the bottomless pit of self-loathing might not help anyone, including yourself.

I feel I can't give you a proper response Solifuge, these posts of mine are usually constructed over the course of an hour or more, and I need to get prepared for work right now.

But putting the Stop Sign Incident aside, the experience at the Shrink's made me question if I'm just wasting my time and money and energy just trying futilely to get another human being to understand me, when I already know it can't be done?

[Sirus]

I ate half my sandwich. I'm still hungry thanks to not eating anything for nearly 24 hours. Eat the other half now, while it is fresh to satisfy my hunger? Or save it for tomorrow, saving some money on food and helping to keep me from becoming a fat bastard of a trucker? D:

Save it!

The less you eat, the less hungry you get as your body adapts to having less food. Admittedly, it takes longer than a day, but a day's a start!

Yeah, I decided to save it. It won't taste as good tomorrow, but that's just how things have to be sometimes. And even cold and old, it's still much better than eating nothing but ramen >_>