Yeah, I think I need to mention I'm a bit stressed with life right now but feel that actually saying or discussing it is useless/pointless/dameda.
Like failure. Failure to do something, failure to do anything. All of these tasks in my head, piling up and up. Seek a way out.
College is still fine, ordinary, normal. Normal to me now. Classes are all fine. Doing well in unexpected courses, doing poorly in the ones that matter. Becoming accustomed to myself. Knowing I'm not that great. Knowing that I'm not an awful person either. Positive traits, negative traits. Doing what's expected of me whether it matters or not.
Does this count? Am I suppose to do this? Are my hobbies and interests tainted, wrong? Everybody wants to hide, well I want to hide. Hide in the closet, the bed, the screen. Away away away. Talking to people is nice sometimes, unexpectedly nice but doesn't feel too right. None of my interests mesh. Nothing meshes truly. Suppressed feelings, suppressed mind and body. Restraining oneself, away away away. Contemplating and crying.
Social connections, impetus to move on. Serious faltering. Trepidation. I sleep hard. I don't want to get up. Why is time passing. Why can't I go at my own pace. I am insignificant.
Well I think I'm done with my A+ English writing style. I pretty much write like this and my professor loves it. It's pathetically easy but true.
Although, to be honest, I do feel most of these feelings obviously. I just have a hard time being serious with myself. It's really hard. I don't feel right. I can understand why people lose everything and lock themselves away since it's the best way to cut ties and connections. I know that I'm weak but I at least want to show something I guess. Even if I don't know why still. Isn't that interesting?! Oh if only I was beyond everything. You have to know what I mean. BEYOND BEYOOOOND
Strong mind and body. You can't hurt me. Me isn't even me. Aaaah~ Sharing my true feelings sounds nice. Nice and true and not fake fake fake. Contempt and apprehension.
My Dad called me a few days ago and I also got a letter from him the day after. He sounded a lot healthier and 'in his mind'. We only had 10 minutes to talk but he told me to call my sister right after. Which I did after freaking out for a little bit. Sigh. She didn't answer but I ended up talking to her for about 30 minutes. When I write a response to my Dad's letter I'm going to mention that. Although I may talk to him again before then.
Talking with people is so hard. The people I end up living with don't really have amazing personalities either. It's so limiting. Going in public is ridiculous for me too. A made a few new friends because we have similar interests at least. But it's still not really true. One person in specific is a pretty cool guy I really like. Ah, well.
Bleh I need to go to sleep because of this STUFF I just am dying to do.