Anyone else frequenting this forum who have
this also?
The symptoms, at least most of it does fit me rather well, I guess, and my psychiatrist diagnosed me, and I'm to go to a really important meeting with this youth thingy for young mentally ill. But I just have a hard time telling if something IS wrong with me or.. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
For a long time I've been scared of being sick and scared of not being sick. Now I AM diagnosed as being sick and now I'm scared they're not right. If OPUS (The youth thing mentioned above.) should decide I am not sick like after some months or something, I'd probably end up on the street, because I'm incapable of keeping a job or education, at least in my current state of being unable to even get out my door to go and shop for food and drink.
But being sick is killing the self-confidence I don't even have to begin with even more. I'll never be able to help anyone if I never get better and that just kills everything I ever wanted to be.
I've never considered suicide really honestly, because I'm too curious to die. I want to know what happens tomorrow, no matter how trivial. But I've often sat in my window trying to get the courage to jump out anyway, because if I ruin my body completely, I'd have something physical to deal with, instead of this nagging feeling of people thinking I'm just making it up when I sit here in my trash staring at the wall without any contact to other people for weeks.
I don't even know where I'm going with this I just feel awful right now and that meeting the 17th is just panicking me even more and I'm totally stressed out because it's my mothers birthday tomorrow.
I also feel really bad about how many money I get monthly just for being jobless and sick, I don't feel I deserve them in any capacity, so I'm trying to spend them on stuff like donations and stuff that goes into the economies.
Saving is bad for the economy, more so than lack of jobs.
Or so I tell myself to feel better, I'm not an economist so I can't -really- know, but it seems logical.
This rant sucks.