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[Atomic Chicken]

Unleash the ancient war cry of my people in a mighty bellow, blowing open the viewport to make this sector one with the homely vacuum of space.

[Gwolfski]

"Ah, finally"

Use to replicator to produce some milk, and add it to my tea, which was kept warm by an ancient device known as a thermos bottle. Check on whether somebody called into my office in the short while I was away

[ziizo]

collect the roomba parts again and put them wherever we put the robots that need fixing.

[Smoke Mirrors]

"Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever read in the historical biology books what happened when a ship's sonar met a creature that used sonar to communicate? It would liquefy their brain. Someone get me the space cow we have in the hold so I can replicate the frequency."

Go try and collect our Space Cow so I can activate a mass destruction weapon. Then bring it to the captain.

[CABL]

Keep beating the space cow with my hammer until the DNA comes out then gather it up and run to the lab.

"Stop beating the cow, casul; we need it alive! *cough* *cough*"

Ignore the wound and bitchslap Bob for hurting the hostage without permission.
Take the cow hostage, as the captain command.

[Fluffe9911]

Silence: Gives a thumbs up
Silence: Walks to a replicator
Silence: Presses the milk button

[randomgenericusername]

Try to use my Space Cow DNA to also evolve the ability to generate Space Cow pheromones. Trick one of the cows into giving me the milk required to perform the ritual.

[The_Two_Eternities]

Use the milk to create Platonic Milk for use in the antimatter containment unit.

[KitRougard]

Undo Lasso, and utilize SPACE PHYSICS to whip those cows into surrender!

"All I'm trying to do is get milk so the Syndicate shuts its trap, I can start up a Xenomorph infestation, and so I can have decent bones for SKELETON WAR so I stop breaking them every day! Is that so much to ask?"

[crazyabe]

Direct My Spacecow to the bridge.

[Enemy post]

Sorry about the wait. I was going to update earlier, but then my computer decided to spontaneously start having every major problem at once. I'll see if I can get the turn up, but this is annoying. Especially since my computer worked perfectly this morning.

*Edited to avoid doubleposting.

Turn 6

Right, time to take control of the situation!

Order the space-cow commander from the Cargo Bay brought to the kitchens. Set up a live-feed of the space cow held at knife-point, with clear-plastic bags of empty burger buns on the counter behind. Broadcast this to the violent herd outside and call for a cease-fire. Oh, and scan the cargo bay for unregistered life forms.

(By the way, just wanted to say that the surprised mime face is hilarious, every time I see it.)

(I'm glad you like the mime turns, I was hoping people enjoyed those.)
1

Direct My Spacecow to the bridge.

4

Keep beating the space cow with my hammer until the DNA comes out then gather it up and run to the lab.

3+2 vs 6-1

Unleash the ancient war cry of my people in a mighty bellow, blowing open the viewport to make this sector one with the homely vacuum of space.

2

Keep beating the space cow with my hammer until the DNA comes out then gather it up and run to the lab.

"Stop beating the cow, casul; we need it alive! *cough* *cough*"

Ignore the wound and bitchslap Bob for hurting the hostage without permission.
Take the cow hostage, as the captain command.

Init:M0o, Dr. Bob, GiantDad.
6, 2 vs 2-1

Upon seeing her allies arrive in force, M0o bellows a war cry and tries to blast a hole through the hull. The laser beam is parried by Dr. Bob, who is briefly disarmed by the impact. As Bob collects his weapon, GiantDad strides by and smacks him over the head on the way to M0o. M0o opens fire on GiantDad, but by now GiantDad has learned his attack patterns and finishes the battle with a pommel blow to the head. GiantDad drags the stunned space cow up to the bridge and turns her over to the captain. Cap'n Crunch broadcasts the image of M0o being held at knife point to the attacking armada, complete with a collection of burger buns in the background.

It doesn't go as planned. Rather than being intimidated, the space cows are enraged at the abuse of their Lord Commander and intensify their assault. The people on the bridge rock back and forth as a few computer screens explode for some reason. At that moment, the bridge is thrown into even more chaos when Bumpbo the clown bursts in riding a different space cow.

"Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever read in the historical biology books what happened when a ship's sonar met a creature that used sonar to communicate? It would liquefy their brain. Someone get me the space cow we have in the hold so I can replicate the frequency."

Go try and collect our Space Cow so I can activate a mass destruction weapon. Then bring it to the captain.

1

You try to assist in the capture, but you get lost in one of the Moloko's extensive cargo bays instead. At least you were spared the sight of Bumpbo riding a space cow.

We are being attacked - for fucks sake, this can't be right - we are being attacked by space cows. No, it doesn't make any sense. Yes, it is deadly serious. Crew skilled in the use of weaponry and FPS games are advised to assume battle stations.

Additionally, see if I can deploy some combat drones around the Moloko to further aid the battle.

And also see if I can figure out this time what the whole "eldritch goat" nonsense is.

5, 6
(Space cows vs combat drones)1 vs 6

You deploy the ship's fleet of point defense drones against the cows. They fight well, inflicting many casualties upon the horde.

Fabricate more boarding boats, upload space cow and eldritch goat destruction routines in them

4, 6
(Boarding boats vs space cows)2 vs 5
(Boarding boats vs Nuhg)6-1 vs 3

You fabricate boarding boats and program them to annihilate all eldritch goats and space cows. They head out and charge over-aggressively into their enemies, taking avoidable casualties as the cows flank them. A few of them do land solid hits on the Eldritch Goat.

"Ah, finally"

Use to replicator to produce some milk, and add it to my tea, which was kept warm by an ancient device known as a thermos bottle. Check on whether somebody called into my office in the short while I was away

2, 6

You try to get some milk, but the particular replicator you use is bluescreened. You spend what feels like a whole day trying to fix it, but none of the usual repair methods work and none of the guides appear to be quite the same problem, except for the ones that are almost exactly perfect but fail inexplicably at the last stages. I'm not venting, YOU are! At least things went better for you than they did for Silence the mime, whose replicator immediately burst into flames for some reason.

Anyway, you check in on your calls. You see that you have a missed call from Sir William R. Washingtonson himself, president of the Dapper Gentlemen's Association.

collect the roomba parts again and put them wherever we put the robots that need fixing.

3

You recollect the roomba parts and take them to the repair room. It is filled with accumulated damaged robots from over the ship's career. It seems unlikely that your Roombas will be repaired at all quickly in here under the current conditions.

Silence: Gives a thumbs up
Silence: Walks to a replicator
Silence: Presses the milk button

2

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Try to use my Space Cow DNA to also evolve the ability to generate Space Cow pheromones. Trick one of the cows into giving me the milk required to perform the ritual.

5

You mutate yourself further with the space cow DNA and generate a copy of their pheromones. Even through the chaos of the battle and several hits you take from the missiles of interfering attack boats, your pheromones are powerful enough to compel a couple of space cows to stop what they are doing to give you their milk.

You win the game!!!

The ritual awaits.

Use the milk to create Platonic Milk for use in the antimatter containment unit.

3

You create platonic milk. You try to put it in the containment unit, but it doesn't seem to work. According to the error scans on your instruments, the milk doesn't want to ruin your friendship.

Undo Lasso, and utilize SPACE PHYSICS to whip those cows into surrender!

"All I'm trying to do is get milk so the Syndicate shuts its trap, I can start up a Xenomorph infestation, and so I can have decent bones for SKELETON WAR so I stop breaking them every day! Is that so much to ask?"

3 vs 1

You start whipping cows. Through the varied efforts of the attackers around you, it appears that the space cows are quickly losing this battle.

After all the previously mentioned events take place, the Moloko arrives at the Intergalactic Bazaar, still in the midst of battle. The Bazaar looks like a clear pressurized dome extended around an asteroid, which is covered in various marketplaces.

OOC:I hope the turn's alright, I got it done at the last minute on a different device after not being able to get my computer working.

[Trinculoisdead]

(It was quite good. I'm satisfied that the burger buns helped enrage the space cows.)

Transmit distress signal to local Space Animal Rescue Shelter, inform them of the herd of dangerous Space Cows that need capturing, and probably milking too.

[Atomic Chicken]

((I too love those mime segments. They crack me up each time.))

Send out a compelling psychic wave across the ship, implanting the belief that crew members bleed milk.

[Fluffe9911]

Silence: Silently screams!
Silence: Attempts to put the fire out!

[King Zultan]

Stop being unconscious then go beat the DNA out of something other than the space cow.