can you have mine tell a bunch of dad level puns and like cats
If I hadn't included your character already, I'd definitely have him say dad jokes left, right, center, but now it doesn't really fit what I already wrote. But sure, he can be a cat lover, if we ever get a cat, that is. Our civ doesn't have cats.
Market district, near the gates to the Palace district, three drows were sitting on a bench waiting, slowly getting impatient.
"What if Lunardog doesn't come back?" inquired Scourge "What if he just abandoned us and went home?"
"He didn't seem like that kind of person" SQ began, but then she realized: "well, actually how would I know? Maybe we should ask someone else for help? MottledPetrel, do you know any more rich but eager plantation owners?"
"Can't say I do"
Suddenly a wagon pulled by a rothe and a huge spider rolled through the Palace district gate. It was loaded with sacks and barrels, and some other things. Behind the wagon walked two huge trolls in slave collars. Behind the trolls walked Lunardog himself.
"I'm sorry I kept you waiting" he said "I had to figure out how to get this stuff from the storehouse and avoid having to answer questions"
"Glad you made it, Scourge was already considering looking for someone else to help us" said SQ smiling slightly.
"Hey!" exclaimed Scourge visibly offended "I know you want to make yourself look good in front of a well-dressed man, but stop dragging me to your level!" SQ's face became purple, but she didn't get to say a word.
"I'm not walking around the city with this pile of barrels" interrupted MottledPetrel.
"We'll leave it by the Ministy building" replied Lunardog "and since we'll be going through the Administration district, we should visit one of my... acquaintances."
Administration district, probably the only place outside of the Palace district where four drows could safely stray off the main road with only two trolls and a wagon full of goods. Lunardog was the only one who knew where they were going, but even he wasn't sure if they would meet the person he was looking for. Finally the drows stopped in front of a sturdy iron gate.
"Wait a moment, isn't that the Blackhollow Detention Center?" asked SQ somewhat shocked" Please tell me you're friends with the warden, and not one of the inmates" Lunardog didn't reply.
The drows reluctantly entered through the gate. They were immediately welcomed by a rhinotroll in an ill-fitting guard uniform.
"You want see prisoner? Or you city guard? Who you arrest? This pup thief?" the monster pointed at SQ.
"I swear to Lolth, Lunardog! What's going on?" barked SQ looking sternly at the nobleman.
"No, no! We need to talk to the warden, umm... your master" Lunardog talked very slowly, expecting the rhinotroll to not understand the first time. He was relieved to see that the monstrous guard gestured at them to follow him.
Lunardog was the only one to enter the warden's office. The rest had to wait for him again, but this time Scourge kept her mouth shut just in case SQ came up with another idea to impress Lunardog by dragging her best friend through the mud. Being friends with SQ was exhausting, required a lot of patience, and was not rewarding in any way, shape or form, and Scourge sometimes wondered if SQ was actually capable of experiencing positive feelings.
The door to the warden's office opened, and Lunardog rejoined his companions. "He's free to go, we should wait for him outside" he said.
Shortly after the four drows left the prison, the rhinotroll guard tossed something after them. This something was an exceptionally filthy drow, still in prisoner's rags. The drow stood up, looked at Lunardog, and smiled insincerely. "My dear friend, how nice of you to finally come here and get me out of this hole"
"Pleasure is all mine, Fred" said Lunardog coldly "you're crawling with lice, when was the last time you bathed?"
"You should adress me by my proper title, Count Fred the Mighty. And the last time I bathed was when I still lived in my mansion. I may be a bum now, but'd rather make out with a beholder than use a public bath house."
"Fred the Mitey, you mean, M-I-T-E-Y, because at this point you're more bugs than man. And you're not a count anymore. Why have they thrown you into jail anyway? You can't falsify documents from the mines."
"It was just a peaceful protest. They were firing paid workers to replace them with newly captured slaves, and as you can imagine, none of us was very happy about that. Turns out the new slaves were really obedient and did not hesitate to beat up some protesters. Most people got whipping, but somehow they figured out I was the one who instigated it, and they gave me two years. I've been through three months already. Anyway, what have you been up to?"
"Looks like they've got a lot catching up to do" grumbled MottledPetrel "I'm going for a smoke, if you need something I'll be just around the corner."
I'm starving, let's get something to eat, SQ" suggested Scourge "Lunardog left his money pouch in the wagon, and saw a neat looking place along the way". SQ nodded in agreement.
"So... about this Lunar guy..." said Scourge looking from over her undercoffee cup "What exactly are you feeling towards him?"
"What do you mean?" asked back SQ suspiciously "You're not trying to suggest that...?"
"That you have a crush on him? That's exactly what I'm trying to suggest."
"Why would you think that? I mean, I barely know him! Do you think I would just fall for a man just because he's not covered in manure? Wait, no, Mottled Petrel wasn't covered in manure either... Do you think I would just fall for a man just because he's not covered in manure and he doesn't stink like fish?"
"Well, he's a nobleman, he's been quite patient with you, and he's not bad looking. Honestly, I could imagine you catching a feeling for him"
"S...Scourge...." SQ whimpered, lighting up with faerie fire "w...why would you say that?"
"Well, you're not a bad match for him. Maybe if you brushed your hair, used some make-up, ditched this disgusting vest..."
"I'm just trying to be friends with him, okay? I'm not the best at these things. You've known me since we were children and you haven't noticed I've never talked to anyone else much? I'm about to start a new life, and I'm not gonna be an outcast in my own colony!"
"I'm... I'm sorry SQ... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted to know what's going on in your head. Now, could you turn down your faerie fire? People are staring."
"
now I feel like casting darkness instead"
"So what you're saying is that you wouldn't even come visit me if I wasn't vital to your plans?" Fred the Mitey asked with disbelief.
"This is where you're wrong - it's not my plan, and you're not vital to it" answered Lunardog " I just think we would benefit from your familiarity with administration, your strong pick arm, and your medical licence that I'm certain that has been revoked at least seven times already."
"I have nowhere to go anyway, so I'll come with you, but I'll do it begrudgingly. Now introduce me to your friends."
"Glad you've finally agreed. Fred, those are my... trolls? Where's the rest?"
"Bwoss, the fish smellin' one went fwor a cig in the alley" explained one of the trolls "dunno what he's doin' out there fwor so long. Them dames took youse cash out to the town, if youse know wh'am sayin'."
"Argh! You two keep an eye on the wagon. Fred, let's get MottledPetrel and go search for the girls"
Market district, magical light of the street lamps was already going dim. Two young drow women were completely lost, stumbling around illuminated by their own faerie fire.
"Damn, I think we've been going the wrong way the whole time" Scourge thought out loud. They were, in fact, in a completely different district, and it was not a good place to be at this time of the day.
Suddenly the girls heard a rythmical snapping sound. Neither of them had any idea what it could be, but they knew it wasn't something you would like to meet in a dark alley.
Suddenly a pack of five rattusites came out from an alley. The ratmen walked menacingly towards SQ and Scourge, aggressively snapping their fingers in perfect synchronicity. Out of nowhere the rat-gangers began singing a bizarre song:
"Rats, we're rats, we're The Rats.
We prey at night, we stalk at night, we're The Rats."
"I'm the Giant Rat that makes all of the rules!"
"Let's see what kind of trouble we can get ourselves into?!"SQ was absolutely terrified, Scourge looked at the unusual scene with disbelief whispering to herself "What the fuck? What is this?"
"Give us all your bling, will ya, honies?" asked one of The Rats, raising his eyebrow suggestively. "we need it more than you do, I'm sure"
"Yeah, we're gonna spend it all on smokes and booze, right my dudes?"
"You weren't supposed to tell 'em that, fool!"
"We're already nicking their cheddar, why does it matter if they know what we're up to? Chill out dude, you'll pop a vein."
"I'm the Giant Rat, I tell you what to do, get it?"
"When is it gonna be my turn to be the Giant Rat?"
The Rats were about to start fighting among each other, when something hit one of them on the head with a great force. The rat fell on the ground unconscious. The remaining four rattusites turned around to see a young drow man holding a broken wooden pole.
"Get 'im boys!" yelled the Giant Rat before jumping at the drow and savagely beating him with bare hands. Other ratmen joined right after.
"Should we help him, or...?" Scourge suggested, but she knew SQ wouldn't answer, and she didn't actually want to have anything to do with the rat gang.
Suddenly the Giant Rat started glowing "I've been cursed, my dudes! That's wack, let's get the hell outta dodge!" that was enough to scare away The Rats, leaving the beaten up drow man and his rattusite vicltim on the scene.
"Are you okay?!" shouted someone to the girls from behind. It was Lunardog who was runningas fast as he could, closely followed by Fred the Mitey. "Whew, talk about luck."
"Told you they would end up in The Rats territory" said Fred proudly "I've dealt with rattusites before, and I know they are more cunning than they seem. You would think they would get used to faerie fire after living in a drow city though."
"Just... I... I want to forget about this" muttered Scourge. Meanwhile SQ walked up to the drow lying on the ground.
"Can you hear me? Please say something, If you die I'll never forgive myself. "
"Ugh... I'm alive... I kinda wish I wasn't..." the young man grunted in pain.
"Oh, good, let's go then, guys" SQ smiled nervously and turned around. Scourge stopped her, and spun her around towards the battered man.
"What my friend wanted to say was: thank you for coming to our rescue, if we can somehow repay you, Lunardog out there has..." Scourge wanted to continue, but she felt Lunardog's cold glare on the back of her head.
"T...thanks ma'am. I'm already feeling better" the young man got up with great difficulty, but if it wasn't for Scourge's and Lunardog's help, he would have fallen over again. "Ow...I'm Imic, by the way, I'm what you could call a vigilante, maybe a bounty hunter. No, wait, there's no bounty on The Rats, I'm just a vigilante."
"Taking justice into your own hands, eh?" Fred the Mitey, who remained silent to this moment, said "We're made from the same stuff, boy. How about you hang out with us from now on? You see, we're forming a kind of an expedition"
"Fred, first of all, you're a forger, scammer, and a tax evader; second, we just met this kid, and he requires medical attention" Lunardog scorned his old acquaintance "I really don't think..."
"Sure! Anything to get away from this place!" Imic became more lively, completely forgetting about heavy bruising he got from The Rats "Where are we going, and who are you anyway?"
"I'm Count Fred the Mighty, the de facto leader, this is my secretary, Lunardog, and OOOWWWW! WHAT THE HELL!" Lunardog yanked Fred's filthy hair, shaking off a small cloud of critters.
"SQ, please take over from here" said the nobleman.
"Thank you, Lunardog. I'm SQ, not a countess, probably not mighty, the de facto and de jure leader. Those are my friends - Scourge and Lunardog, my secretary - Fred the Mitey (M-I-T-E-Y), and this is... where is MottledPetrel?"
"We must have lost him along the way" said Lunardog "He's probably lost his breath and needed to have a rest. I really doubt someone like him would be a good target for muggers. No offense, girls"
"Oh, and before I forget: we... don't really know where we're going" SQ returned to the main topic "I won't blame you if you change your mind. I actually would if someone told me that... and if I had a choice."
"Oh no, no, no! It actually makes it better!" said excited Imic "The thrill of adventure, the call of the unknown! I wouldn't experience that in the city guard if they accepted me. Umm... forget about that last part."
"That kid's got a good arm, but I should be a goner, his swing is poor at best. No wonder the pigs don't want him on board" screeched someone. It was the rattusite. Despite having been hit on the head with a wooden pole and bleeding from his head, the rodent man got up and didn't seem too bothered.
"You want one more, huh vermin?" threatened Imic "If I had a sword, you'd be long dead!"
"You would be too, my friends would have shanked you. You're lucky The Rats don't harm pathetic runts like you"
"Your rats did beat me up!"
"Self defense"
"You did try to rob SQ" Scourge added.
"HEY!" SQ squeaked.
"We were just asking you to hand over your cheese, if you catch my drift, if you didn't comply, we would have left you two alone.
"That's the stupidest way to rob people" said Fred the Mitey "Although, it's not actually stealing, is it? Maybe you're on to something"
"You don't believe rattusites can be decent people? I can show you if you take me on your expedition. Pretty please?"
Imic was appaled by this suggestion. The plague of the Market District wanted to spread outside of the city? "That's out of the..."
"Sure, we could always use more hands" SQ interrupted. She actually believed the rat creature, and felt bad for him, even though he was a monstrous gangster. "Wait, there's seven of us now. We have a full party!"
"Not quite" Fred the Miey said "the rattusite isn't a drow, so he can only come with us as property, a slave. We need one more person, and we still don't have tools for mining and chopping wood. Imic may want to have a sword too."
"Kaos" Scourge remembered "Darkening Kaos can help us with the tools, and the way her life has been going lately, she may just want to come with us. Also, where the hell is MottledPetrel?"
Next time (tomorrow? monday?) we'll introduce Darkening Kaos, and officially start the fort. I've actually embarked already, but I wish I hadn't because we'll be missing ZM5's Lands of Duality, and that mod looks amazing. Well, the embark is neither good or evil anyway.
One more problem - I forgot to change the name of the fort, so it's Dungeonevened instead of Deepgleam. Not as cool sounding but what can you do? There's no utility that can change fort names, is it?
Edit:
Turns out female drows are natural doctors, while males are natural mechanics/hunters. MottledPetrel, Lunardog, Fred and Imic are actually better mechanics than Darkening Kaos, while SQ, Scourge and Kaos are better doctors than Fred. Let's pretend it's not like this.