Good morning listeners, I hope you've had a wonderfully sleepless night, the kind that leaves you ready to fill your tomorrow with all the innocuous moments of a meaningless tomorrow. Because if not, you're sorely missing out. Today is a multinational holiday! Yes that's right all, it's potato day and we have a ton of potato related stories this morning. First and foremost, in order to start off this monumental holiday on the right foot, obituaries! A potato died earlier today. It has been in the hospital for months now and the joy of celebrating inter/multinational potato day was simply too much for it's poor little hearts. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the friends, family, and biohazard disposal team. We mourn with them, and in the case of the of the biohazard disposal team, for them.
In other potato news, a terrible fire broke out earlier today. It burned at least one.... yeah at least one potato. The raging fire is still raging across Uptown Knothing engulfing buildings, clouds, birds, and if we're lucky, the bat people from Downtown Knothing who recently immigrated to Uptown Knothing. The bat people have, allegedly, began a terrible race war between themselves and the indigenous bat people population, which composes a culturally significant minority in the area. The howls and clicks can be heard every night as the two engage in areal combat in the pitch darkness of the moonless night. It is such a tragedy that these mindless individuals have brought this gang related violence to our fair overburg and that even a creature so innocent and majestic as a potato can not avoid their carelessness. Is the fire related to the race war? What? I'm asking you. That wasn't rhetorical or dramatic. More on this as the story develops.
Lastly in potato related deaths, an aquarium was destroyed earlier today in a freak explosion. One potato hater, likely one of those downtown bat people, placed potassium (the main component in potatos, which is where it gets its name) in the aquarium. This lead to a chain reaction, which in turn lead to an explosion, which in turn lead to the death of the several hundred potatoes swimming in the aquarium. And as if their deaths weren't enough, their dying bodies released more potassium, causing a chain of explosions, causing even further havoc in the area. On the bright side, there is now a new entryway into Downtown Knowthing for the sinister bat people to return from whence they came. Back into your holes, you evil and cultureless monstrosities! Back to the depths of hell with you, average citizens whom I just happen to dislike!
In other news, there have been a few developments on the Ever Less Distant Rumbling over by Spinefield lane. The totally noexistant and not at all incredibly and impossibly intricate spines which dot the landscape surrounding the town have... changed. By some twist of fate, the metaphorical spines have become literal spines. Large and small stacks of vertebrae grow out of the ground in a somewhat naturalistic fashion. It sort of brings forth images of a spreading forest... but with bones. And instead of a forest, barren rocky soil covered in scraggly brush and craggy ravines. The spines are equally if not more ornate and intricately carved than they were just mere moments ago, despite also being literal spines. This in no way made a difference to our field reporting team, which continues to investigate the area by consuming the rotting flesh of unsuspecting victims. Most interestingly, one of the spines, which are marginally but not completely acknowledgable now, has grown to immeasurable size. So maybe like, what? 70 feet? I don't know man, its immeasurable. Let's go with 70 feet. It's also significantly more ornate than the already intricate spines around it, covered in fractal patterns that descend ever smaller and larger in magnitude until they fade beyond what the human eye can observe and the human mind can comprehend.
Today had a variety of other news stories that have zero bearing on reality due to today being devoted entirely to potatos. And of course, because the spines totally don't exist, our discussion of them in no way detracts from today's news topic. Other topics include, a suicide bomber who attempted to attack our newstation. He of course died immediately when he called into our station, as all those who are not pure of heart and or approved by the station, do. Unfortunately, for them, they attempted to plant a bomb beneath the station, and we're brutally ripped from the afterlife only to have the bomb thrust into their arms by station security, and then detonated, killing them once again. Poor clueless bastard, what a way to go. Similarly, two non-fatal arrests have been made today. A giant sentient orange and local staring contest champion Sssierra Oberlin. One for trespassing, and the other for cheating at staring contests. Both are scheduled to have court hearings upon the return of time's essence. So,,, never. Well isn't that nice. Good for them. Hmmm, there's something here about a direly important public service announcement, but it's only from a 6th rank grand master, so it's not nearly important enough to read on the air. Let's just call this one a surprise.
Alright home audiences, that seems like most everything for today. As always, keep your eyes closed, see nothing, hear nothing, and all will be well. And if by chance you did see or hear something... run. Until next time.
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Topic: OMNU5 News (A Game You Should Be Posting In) (Read 2473 times)