Sorry for the delays dear viewers. We've been having technical difficulties due to the extremely high concentrations of scienceonium in the area. This has caused extreme delays in our broadcast, in addition to a lack of visuals on the screen at this moment. Please enjoy the blissful blindness that accompanies this message. As always, blissful blindness is brought to you by diet coke. "Diet coke, go blind." This broadcast however, is brought to you by, This Broadcast is Brought to You by, the company which this broadcast is brought to you by. As always, bringing you this broadcast, and none of the previous or future broadcasts. Just this one. Always this one. Also, I am brought to you by a secret political organization who has stolen my soul and time. That too, of course, causes mild delays.
An update on the Adultnapper. A dumperster full of baby heads was discovered in Downtown Knothing early this morning. For those new listeners, Downtown Knothing is the secret underground city several miles below the city of Knowthing and has a deep (Ha) hatred of Uptown Knothing, the equally secret city hidden in the unmoving clouds hanging above Knothing. While a dumpster full of baby heads is not unusual, as this happens on a biweekly basis, what is unusual about this particular dumpster of baby heads looked exactly like the infantile versions of the adults... napped? Is napped the right word? Yes? Ok. Napped. Napped by the Adultnapper. We reached out to the Head of Security of our sister spacestation for his expert opinion on this issue. We couldn't get past his secretary who stated: "Uh...THE HEAD OF SECURITY IS A CHANGE-" *BZZZZZRT* *CRUNCH* "Nevermoind, everything's OK. Go back to work." More on this as the story develops.
In the Other News a man.... Well not so much a man as a Billionaire, filed a lawsuit against himself today. Apperantly he had been tying his shoes improperly for several decades and had gotten completely fed up with this gross miscarriage of justice. In a shocking development, he won the lawsuit. The court, ruling in his favor, has now banned shoes in 8 countries and 145 continents. Unfortunately for him, Knothing is not located on any of these continents or within any of the countries covered by the lawsuit. As a result, all charges brought against him were dropped and he walked free. That bastard. In a later statement, the Billionaire pledged to make sure he got what was coming to him and that justice will be enacted... one way or another.
Now over to sports. Later today Knothing's Cult of the Fifth Eye defeated the Springvale Solar Spiders in competitive ritual suicide. The mana released during the event was so pronounced that the manawaves traveled back in time, alerting both teams of the Cult's victory. This of course caused the Springvale Solar Spiders to forfeit the game early and the Cult of the Fifth Eye no longer got to play the game later this afternoon. Unfortunately without the game later today the mana was not released and the two teams were not warned about the upcoming Cult victory and the game continued as planned. And because it will continue as planned, it will release mana waves and spoil the nail biting ending of the match, causing a forfeit. That forfeit will stop the release of the manawaves, which in turn, causes the subsequent release of the manawaves. This paradox will continue seemingly endlessly until, and perhaps beyond, the end of the universe. That or until giant space cats devour both teams in order to correct the paradox. As they often do. Go Knothing Fifth Eyes!
Back to the real news. It seems the sound out on Stoneback road has been increasing both in volume, radius, and malevolence. It can now be heard clearly on the nearby Spinefield Court. Named so aptly for the surround field of absolute nothingness it runs through that is totally not spotted by large natural, yet oddly ornate, spines and the occasional impaled school child. We sent some of our new journalistic correspondents, a pack of dragons and vultures, to investigate the scene. We believe that they will overcome their animalistic instincts and definitely ignore the sweet rotting carcasses nearby. For they are stronger than most of us weak willed humans, they should be able to remain professional despite the free snacks. Bring me back some though, I skipped lunch today and I'm starving. Thanks journalism correspondent team! You're the best. More once they return.
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Topic: OMNU5 News (A Game You Should Be Posting In) (Read 2506 times)