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[Jopax]

Kagus, what is best in life? To crush your exams, see them graded before you, and hear the lamentations of your school mates.

So I just saw this and it reminded me of my last math exam in uni before switching curriculums, and how I literally sketched conan and a math related variation of this quote on it before turning the forsaken thing in.

Additional sads for today relate to previous sads, in that the meeting was moved to tommorrow and that I might not get a chance to go because I have work right afterwards which I was told of after I confirmed I could go. As sucky as going there emtpy handed would've been, I atleast had reasons for that, bailing last minute like this feels even suckier even if it is, again, completely justified.

[JoshuaFH]

I can't help but be really disappointed with today. On any day I have off from work, the question is always "Now what?" and I come up answerless, look around, feel that the world is apathetic, and just feel discouraged. It takes everything I have to not self-medicate somehow.

(portion deleted) Summary of deleted portion: I feel whenever I want to go out and do something fun, I find that the world is designed in such a way that it would actually prefer me to stay inside and continue being isolated, lonely, sedentary, and frustrated.

I've been experimenting in writing down, on a real physical notepad with a real pen, my thoughts and feelings. It serves the same function as making these sad posts, getting my thoughts out of my head so I can actually sleep. Unlike these posts though, with the assurance that noone will ever know what I'm writing, I'm feel to actually let loose and write... like the actual manbaby shitchild I am. I put some mental effort into making these posts cogent, proofread, and edited into a readable style, with that requirement gone, the journal just becomes a raw stream of consciousness, the simplistic and childlike motivations in my gut splayed out onto paper.

Though I know that that kind of wallowing is exactly what keeps me in the rut I'm in right now, that kind of narcissism is what perpetuates the very 'problems' I'm always purportedly 'struggling' with, when in reality if I could set myself aside and just push that shit out of my head, I'm certain I'd be cured in no time at all, and then I could join the world of normal people like I've always wanted my entire life.

Time to go to bed, and fight with myself every single inch of the way to dreamland. I just want one day that I can go to bed feeling satisfied, like the day wasn't wasted, and I don't need to feel so disappointed and anxious, and then be forced to take my sleeping medications and trust the drugs to smother me to sleep. Goodnight.

[Teneb]

Well, today I heard something I seriously didn't expect. I was diagnosed with (light) depression.

Having known quite a few folks with depression, I really didn't identify myself with that since I haven't ever felt a... lack of a will to live, low self-esteem, that sort of stuff. But turns out for me it's manifesting as irritability, lack of concentration, and anxiety (which is what I though was the cause of this, rather than a symptom.

I am... pretty chill about it, actually? Mostly surprised than anything else.

Which is why I am posting in the midly sad instead of regular sad, I guess.

[Dunamisdeos]

I went through depression, and I reacted very poorly. I'm glad people are more willing to talk about it and that better help is slowly becoming available these days.

[dragdeler]

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[Teneb]

Well if they acurately diagnosed depression at such an "early" stage that you wouldn't consider yourself depressive, you seem to have a nice hand of cards.

Apparently I've had it for a pretty long time? and am just pretty ok at dealing with it. Last... week and a half? was pretty bad though, worst it ever got and what got me to find a psychiatrist.

Anyway, glad to have that figured out at least. Will start taking the medication that was prescribed tomorrow and should see some effects in about three weeks.

[itisnotlogical]

I've started making impulse purchases to cheer myself up. Bad, bad bad bad bad bad. This is the kind of thing I work so hard to keep under control, and it's slipping away.

[Hanslanda]

I'm like a Grandmaster at being depressed at this point.

[Kagus]

I'm like a Grandmaster at being depressed at this point.

If it helps, I'm pretty damn good at beating myself up over unrequited love and using an overactive imagination to make matters worse.

[Hanslanda]

Well, you're not visibly getting injured so schadenfreude isn't exactly kicking in. I don't generally enjoy the suffering of Norwegians or Danes without a good reason.

[dragdeler]

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[scriver]

Well, you're not visibly getting injured so schadenfreude isn't exactly kicking in. I don't generally enjoy the suffering of Norwegians or Danes without a good reason.

But that is, in itself, a good reason

[Kagus]

I had a nice night tonight!

Ahahaha!

Ahaha!

Ha...



Yep, the daggers bite again.

[Yoink]

Ugh. One thing worse than having exciting exciting and/or happy dreams that drive home how boring and miserable your real life is, is having them and not being able to remember more than a vague sense or a tiny fragment.
What an unpleasant start to the day.


I need to start keeping a dream journal again, train myself to remember the bloody things more successfully. I often start typing dreams up in the dream thread, then before long open a new tab and get totally distracted.
Writing them on paper as soon as your eyes open is definitely a better option.

I've started making impulse purchases to cheer myself up. Bad, bad bad bad bad bad. This is the kind of thing I work so hard to keep under control, and it's slipping away.

Oh no, I do that too. Good luck. Wish I had actual advice, but nah. Maybe lay out a set budget so that you know how much spare money you actually have for frivolities in a given period of time?
That way you'll know when you definitely cannot afford to waste money.

[Jopax]

I somehow managed to either fail to wake up to my alarm or failed to set it last night, despite clearly remembering two instances of first setting it and then moving it ten minutes earlier. Regularly that wouldn't be an issue, but I've had work this morning so that went trough, luckily I let them know as soon as I woke up and they found a replacement. Still, sucks missing out on cash like that :V