Something compelled me to look up a girl I liked in Highschool on facebook, whom I haven't seen in years, for me to find her posing with her new baby and husband. And that she lives in the same town as me, when I thought she didn't. It's obviously not something to be sad about, but it kinda crushes me. I'm always comparing myself to my old highschool-self, and despair at my seeming lack of progress in all the areas I want to progress in. And it makes me paranoid that she lives in the same town, as even if it's an incredibly small chance, I never want to run into her, ever. It's honestly enough to make me want to move away somewhere. It's stupid and childish, and I hate myself for it.
I perused OKcupid, thinking about dating again, and found some girls that I might get along with maybe, I wouldn't know as I haven't even tried to message them. I just opened their profiles into a new window, and then I've left them untouched and unlooked at for like a week now. I keep making excuses to myself like "Oh I need a good picture" "I should get a haircut and new clothes first" "I shouldn't worry about doing this when I have trouble even keeping my own apartment clean and I have no furniture anyway" "I don't like obsessing over what to write in messages or on my own profile anyway" "I don't like soliciting myself like some kind of discount, defective male creature anyway" "Women that use dating sites probably have some kind of glaring flaw that prevents them from getting a man in real life anyway" "There's no point using dating sites anyway, as 99% of attempts are being to be ignores, or fake accounts by scammers, or even if it's a hit there'll probably most likely then just be no compatibility anyway... if I don't get outright rejected anyway". ... etcetera and so forth.
I know that rationalizations like that are bullshit, and I'm just weighing myself down with my own negativity and keeping myself in this spot in life that I hate being in anyway. I just can't help it.