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[Dorsidwarf]

[turn 4]

Rip the dart out of my shoulder and try to stab cerepa with it while screaming in both pain and bloodlust.

Do an awesome jumpkick to Fniffs wound.

And if he manages to get the dart out: DODGE. Otherwise kick him again.

Hear a battle and run towards it. Take this wig and smack into the face of Bleeding guy, Fniff.

[priority roll]
[roll]
Cerepa tries to dropkick Fniff, but lands flat on the sand in front of him, twisting his ankle and screaming in pain.
[roll]
[cerepa roll]
Fniff lunges with the dart with all his might, but cerepa manages to roll out of the way, the dart's tip piercing the ground and sticking. Cerepa suddenly realises he rolled onto his ankle, and screams even louder in total agony.
Fniff screams with him in an angelic chorus of the bleeding and broken, as if infected with a friendly cacti farm.
CEREPA CAN ONLY TAKE 1 ACTION OF ANY KIND NEXT TURN

Delekates comes around the corner at full pelt, wielding a crusty green wig, and shoves it into Fniff's face.
[roll]
The wig makes a faint sigh as you slap the startled dart-board imitator, but nothing else happens.

Open crate 15, and stay in place.

You open the crate. There's  a beard the size of a 2x4 in here.
YOU'RE A PIECE OF TURD-WAFFLE, it proclaims.

Eat the boat. Crate 30.

You shove the glowing boat in your mouth and crunch.
[what are you doing no stop that roll]
You find yourself on your back, with what appears to be the barrel of a gatling gun protruding from your mouth. You can't breathe.
You use your other action to not die, and manage to yank out the gun before you choke to death. You now have a smallish gatling gun and the remnants of a crushed eldritch boat of summoning gatling guns.

Andres got unbelievably lucky there.
Cratage list expunged for brevity

Unable to update map.

[Andres]

Break the remnants of the boat. Open crate 30.

[wipeout1024]

Open crate 26.

[Fniff]

Grab Cerepa by the neck and use him as a shield against any attacks by Delekates.
Also, strangle him at the same time.

[Dorsidwarf]

Grab Cerepa by the neck and use him as a shield against any attacks by Andres.
Also, strangle him at the same time.

Andres is not attacking you. Or present. Reconsider Y/N?

[Fniff]

Whoops. Sorry, got mixed up. :S
Editing now.

[Delekates]

Now remove with all my strength that wig!!!!
and run away to the west, get behind some obstacles.

[Dorsidwarf]

Turn 5

Break the remnants of the boat. Open crate 30.

You stomp on the boat, ethereal light shivering, before vanishing into a dimension you can't quite comprehend with a drawn-out buzz.
30, Xur-of god Moc'cha, turns out to be a backpack shaped like a dragon's head. Perfect for carrying the rest of your junk.

Open crate 26.

B-use Sectret is prised open. It contains a thimble-sized helmet which glows with constantly burning fire that is lukewarm to the touch.

Grab Cerepa by the neck and use him as a shield against any attacks by Delekates.
Also, strangle him at the same time.

[roll] You dive-tackle Cerepa, the both of you crashing to the ground.
You try to stangle him, too.
[1]
You caught Asphyxiation-Immune-Denial-(of)-Stranglation disease and were unable to murder him! By which you mean you can't move your wounded arm enough to get a good chokehold going. Delekates rubs you with a wig and runs away, then throws another one at you. Yuk.

Now remove with all my strength that wig!!!!
and run away to the west, get behind some obstacles.

You rub him with the wig and run away.
[roll]
You barely dodge a disgusting crusty wig which appeared from nowhere and launched at you.

Cerepa has been prodded (2/3)

Spoiler: The MAP (click to show/hide)

[wipeout1024]

Open crate 29.

[Andres]

Crate 24

[Fniff]

Push cerepa's head toward the ground and when it hits it, repeatedly stomp on his neck with my foot.

[Delekates]

get box # 19. Open it.

[Dorsidwarf]

Put on the helmet, and open crate 29.

Please note that you have entered an invalid action. The laws of physics must be obeyed unless use of an artifact is employed.

[cerapa]

I. Am. An idiot. I browse the forums on my phone sometimes and looked at the turn, then promptly forgot about it. Then later I came back, and since I had looked with my phone, it didn't show the sign for new posts, and guessed you hadn't updated yet.

Anyway,
Open crate 36
Run like hell

Also, what's up with everyone thinking my username is cerepa?

[Dorsidwarf]

I keep calling you cerepa because I think phonetically, and the two are pronounced identically.