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[Tawa]

No, I haven't played this game until now. Keep your friggin' spoilers to yourself.

I'm also not going to give some really lame soliloquy to start the LP, so let's get a move on. Let me inform you that no dialogue from me is canonical and any dialogue from other characters marked with a * is from the game directly.

So, I start the game. After some random question which has a purpose I have not yet discerned, I discover that the protagonist of the game looks roughly like what would happen to Cloud or Goku if they got a really nasty cut on their head and their hair was permanently dyed red.



I mean, seriously. Anyway, the game asks me for my name, which I give as "Tawa".

I then find out that I live with my mom. I'm way too lazy to go actually find a decent picture of a middle-aged woman and crop it, so I'm just going to use the lame one from a completely different game I got ahold of for a different LP.

Tawa... Tawa! Good morning, Tawa! Come on, sleepy head! Get up! *

...

Ah, Leene’s Bell makes such a beautiful music! You were so excited about the Millennial Fair that you didn't sleep well, did you...? I want you to behave yourself today! Let's get moving, now! *

...

Finally! By the way, that inventor friend of yours... Uh... you know...! Oh, dear, I've forgotten her name! *

Yes, that's right. My own mother cannot remember her only son's friends' names. I have no witty alternative names to give this crazy chick with glasses, so I just go with the default Lucca.

What the hell, mom?! Her name's Lucca! And she's not my 'friend', we just know each other.

Don't forget that she invited you to see her new invention! Run along now, and be back before dinner. *

So I get out of my house at top speed. I somehow end up going everywhere except where I need to go, leading me into the forest. And it's not the pretty, idyllic kind.



It's the kind with the trees that like half arch over the path and the slightly immersion-breaking shadows of trees that aren't actually there.



Yeah, that's better.

I start fighting some mushrooms. By accident.

What the... those are some huge mushrooms. Wait a second...

BLEH BLEH BLEH

AAAAAAAAA

And as it turns out, I have a wooden katana. I beat the crap out of the mushroom guys. Something else happens involving bugs, but this was all yesterday and I'm hazy on the details. Anyway, I got to the castle.

Hello!

Get out of here and go to the fair or I'll shoot you.

But I fought a bunch of crazy mushrooms to get here!

Get out of here and go to the fair or I'll shoot you.

I don't even know where the fair is!

Get out of here and go to the fair or I'll shoot you.

I leave, bummed, walk around the mushrooms this time, and realize I'd walked past the fair a few times. So I go to the fair and walk around, and eventually meet this morbidly obese robot named Gato.


i am gato
my elbows, knees, and other appendage-connectors are made of a 50% titanium 50% tungsten carbide alloy
if you are capable of injuring me to the point that i forfeit
you will earn 15 points of the highest-quality sterling silver

Wait a friggin' second.

It's 1000 AD.

How the hell is there a robot?! And why is his name Spanish for "cat"? Even weirder, he has a microphone. It doesn't matter, though, because he offers me "15 silver points". I have no clue what the heck a silver point is, but I beat him up anyway.

So anyway, I wander around a little more, and I bump into some random chick in a bikini or something and, even though she has an... unusually exposed top, she wears aqua parachute pants. I quite literally bump into her, and we both go flying and this thing of hers goes flying.

Hey!! Ouch, that hurt! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?  Uh oh... My pendant! *

She starts kneeling down on the ground and looking for it, although considering the fact that its sprite is like as big as hers and it went flying in this really exaggerated manner, I find it hard to believe she's actually looking for it and that she's actually crying on the ground or something. Anyway, I do the Neutral Good thing to do and take it and give it to her.

Oh, thank goodness!  My pendant! It has a lot of sentimental value! May I have it back? *

Uh, yeah. I don't want it anyway.

I came to see the Festival! You... live in this town, don't you? I feel a little out of place here. Would you mind if I walked around with you for a while? *

Sure! Why not? Of course! Ha ha ha.

You're a true gentleman! Oh, by the way... my name is, er... *

Apparently everybody here has a horrible case of amnesia or something. Anyway, since any of the names that look like they would fit her are more than five characters, I just stick with the default name of Marle.

Um, Marle! And you're? *

I'm Sir Lord Tawarochir Forestrider, the King of Gondor, but you can call me Tawa. "Oh, um, Tawa."

Tawa? What a nice name!  Pleased to meet you! Now, lead on! *         

We walk around a little bit, I get involved in a "soda chugging contest" that was almost certainly a boozing contest in Japan, and do a lot of things that weren't important to the plot at the time. Eventually, we head up north and meet the glasses chick whose name my mom couldn't remember standing next to some ridiculous machine that looks like it's engineered to swap people with flies. (Kudos to those who get the reference.)

Step right on up, any of you who have the time and the courage! Our Super Dimension Warp is the invention of the century! To use it, jump up here... and you'll get teleported here! * (Note that that actually came from her father, but he didn't have a save screen sprite, so I just stuck it there.)

Meh, to hell with it. Sure!

Oh! Hi, Tawa! Just head up there!

I start spinning around in circles and end up on the other teleport pod thing. Whee.

Ooh! I wanna try!

Marle jumps up on it like a maniac and Lucca throws the switch. Suddenly, her necklace starts flashing like nuts and she starts spinning around. Some cheap 80's special effects take effect, with electricity bouncing around (speaking of which, what the hell? It's 1000 AD! How is there electricity?), and she gets pulled into this really cheap-looking portal. Her pendant remains.

Then, I am forced to do the Neutral Good thing and save her.

What?

I told you, I'm going to save her.

No!

Sorry, I do not care.

Fine. Listen! I don't know where this machine is going to send you, but we haven't any other choice. * Hold onto the pendant tight!

She throws the switch, and a way-too-long sequence occurs that's supposed to be time travel but actually looks like a stereotypical acid trip occurs.

Spoiler: roughly what it looked like (click to show/hide)

TO BE CONTINUED.

[GentlemanRaptor]

Liking it so far. PTW!

[Shadowlord]

I really enjoyed playing Chrono Trigger myself (although I haven't played the DS version so far!).

I hope you enjoy it! (And relax, too - it's not Earth, and the years and developments don't necessarily correspond to ours, although there are some similarities.)

[Execute/Dumbo.exe]

So you mean it's like "doth one not see thyne futility in thou blasphemous path?! Then thou shall see THE POWER OF LASERS MOTHERTRUCKER"
Like that?

[Tawa]

Thanks for the replies!

(And I know, I just like to make fun of that kind of thing. )

I've already made it a decent way into the game, I'll update again tomorrow. Maybe twice if I have too much time on my hands.

[Tawa]

PART II: THE PLOT THICKENS

So, after the trip sequence, I find myself in a clearing with some goblins or something. I beat them up, as is typical, and head outside of the clearing.

There's a bunch of bridges, and it's a mountain or something. I continue on my merry way, fighting more blue goblins and getting free stuff from nearby treasure chests. Eventually, I sneak around these two guys playing soccer with a giant roly-poly or something and head outside.

There's a slightly eerie resemblance to 1000 AD, and I think that when I just stood around, the game told me that it was 600 AD. I dropped by a shop, picked up a shiny iron sword, and set off to the castle nearby after a bunch of people told me that "the queen came back". There aren't any mushrooms this time in the forest.

I am then accosted by yet more guards, except this time they're dressed like guys in Lord of the Rings.

Halt! Who goes there? *

Um, Tawa. That's me.

Check out that hair! Where're you from, son? Are you one of Magus's troopers? *

Who the hell is Magus and why would my hair have anything to do with it?

Everybody knows that bad things happen whenever a guy with ridiculously spiky hair shows.

That's discrimination!

Har, har! Now beat it, shrimp! *

Suddenly, some woman shows up behind them in some ballgown. And it's Marle. Which was painfully obvious-- the hair, the fact that her dress is the exact same color as her bikini and parachute pants, that kind of thing. Of course, it's sort of like Mr. L in Super Paper Mario; I know she's familiar, but I also don't know I know that it's her.

But for comedic purposes, screw that.

Show your manners! This is a friend of mine! *

But there's something odd about him! *

You refuse to obey my orders?! *

Grumble grumble. *kneels*

I wander around a little bit and eventually find some guy in his room.

Hiya there mister! Who're--

AAAAAA I'M NOT BEING SUSPICIOUS AAAAAA I LIKE GOING TO THE CATHEDRAL AAAAAA

...?

I wander around the other way and run into Marle again, who is apparently having a slumber party with half the maids and guards in the castle.

Ah! There you are. Guards, maids, please leave us. I need to talk to this individual. *

They leave dutifully.

Come nearer, sir. Hee hee! Fooled you, didn't I? *

Fooled me? How?

Into thinking I was the queen, silly!

No.

Dammit.

Anyway, what did you want from me?

It's me! But everyone calls me Leene! I'm so relieved you're here! We barely know each other, but somehow, I knew you'd come for me...  Thank you, Tawa! *

Abruptly, the whole room becomes like seven F-stops darker.

S... something's wrong!!! Wh... what's happening?! It feels like... I'm being torn apart! Help me, Tawa! I'm scared!!! Please... Tawa... h... help me! *

A couple seconds more of 80's special effects later, she's gone. Abruptly, Lucca shows.

*gasp* *wheeze* Thank... thank goodness... you're OK. You find what's-her-face?

No.

Wh... why? *wheeze*

She randomly disappeared.

But... but... wait a friggin' second. This is EXACTLY what Guardia Castle looks like... we're in the past. And also, I remember who she was. That's Princess Nadia.

But. How. What. Ummm...

*flash of insight* Of course. They mistook Nadia for her ancestor, Queen Leene. Now she was never born, because the real Leene was killed! It's a grandfather paradox!

What? A paradox? Shoot.

We have to find the real queen! Otherwise, history will be rewritten for the worse!

Sounds about right. *sigh* Those guards were right, dammit.

So, we take a walk back through the forest. I figured that the not-suspicious guy from earlier might be up to something, so I dropped by that cathedral he mentioned.

Oooh! Hey! A quarter!

That's not a quarter, that's the queen's hairpin!

Abruptly, the church patrons turned into what the game called a "naga-ette" but will forever be thought of in my mind as a Kary, because of the first Final Fantasy game.

I also discovered here that Lucca has a friggin' GUN.

BLEH BLEH BLEH WE'RE GOING TO EAT YOUR GUTS

Yeaaaaaaah no. *BANG*

A little bit later, they're all dead. Oh, but one of them isn't dead. A frog jumps out of nowhere and kills it for me.

Lower thy guard and thou'rt allowing the enemy in. Thou'rt here to save the queen? The lair is deep within. Will thou't accompany me? *

Oh noes! A frog!

Yeah, you can come. Why not?

Meh, I guess I can deal with it. What're we going to call you.

Guy who looks and talks funny who has a sword? Inigo.

...Inigo will do. Mayhap a hidden door lurks nigh? Let us search the environs. *

I play the organ and the opposite wall turns into a door.

It's a dungeon crawl, it's the greatest crawl of all! I wander through a really tiny dungeon and solve a relatively easy puzzle. I head through the door, save, and encounter... THE NOT-SUSPICIOUS GUY!

AAAAAA IT'S THE GUY FROM EARLIER AAAAAA

I still have no clue who you are.

I'M PRETENDING TO BE THE CHANCELLOR AND NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AHAHAHA

Then he turns into "yakra", whatever that's supposed to be.

I WASN'T KIDDING AHAHAHAHA

A short bout of fire, guns, and swords later, he's dead. The queen had showed up and left shortly before the fight, so she's out of the way; I found the real chancellor locked in a box.

So, anyway, they invent criminal justice when we get back to the castle, and I head upstairs and find Marle has abruptly returned.

Hi! I think I know what it's like to be dead now.

That was a pretty condensed summary of the events. And what is this about you being the queen?

Drat! I thought you'd never find out that my father is King Guardia XXXIII! Oh well. Let's go home!

We all backtrack to the mountain, and Lucca pulls this funny steampunk-looking key out of her pocket and opens a portal back home.



We head back to the castle.

Princess Nadia! Are you all right? Where have you been?!  I heard you were abducted! We had soldiers searching for you! *

What?!

Scoundrel! You're the one, huh? *

What?! I never kidnapped Marl-- Princess Nadia!

Admit it! You confused her and tried to take over the throne! Terrorist!!

DAMMIT! NOW I'M A TERRORIST ONE THOUSAND YEARS BEFORE THAT BECAME A HOUSEHOLD WORD!

Then the chancellor (the modern one, not the one from the yakra thing) shows up. I think he jumped around, but it actually looked like he was running back and forth in the hall.

Idiots! Detain him!

You remember that stuff that was unimportant to the plot from before?

Like eating meat off of a table, trying to get Marle to buy candy faster, and failing to rescue a kitten?

Yeah, that didn't help my trial. I'm sentenced to be executed in three days.

However, things are not as they seem.

Ahaha. You'll never escape!

*CLANG CLANG CLANG*

Shut up, man.

*CLANG CLANG CLANG*

I MEANT THAT.

*CLANG CLANG CLANG*

WALLOPING TIME.

He comes into the cage and beats me up, but I run outside of the cage before he can close it. I beat up both guards and proceed to escape.

I eventually run into some sentient shields guarding a hallway.

Hey man, can I get by?

No.

*KATANA* How about now?

No.

*KATANA* How about now?

No.

*KATANA* How about now?

*dead*

That's what I THOUGHT.

I wander a little more, fight some more guards, and eventually find the warden, who Lucca (who arrived from nowhere) knocks out.

Tawa! I've come to save you! Although I guess that you don't need it now.

What is this?

I find a handwritten note describing how I have to "destroy the head of the dragon tank first or it cannot be beaten".

Well, I run outside, dash across a bridge, and am subsequently ambushed by said dragon tank.

HALLO TIEM TO DIE

Which happens. Twice. Then the third time is the charm.

*KATANAAAAAA*

Dragon Tank: ...

That's what I thought.

A couple seconds later, I'm inside and being accosted by guards.

All: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

No! Stop! He--

Shut up, Nadia. We're going to kill him.

We all head outside and into the forest. They corner us, so we run away and find a conveniently-placed time gate, which we all head through.



TO BE CONTINUED

[flame99]

This is amazing. PtW

[Itnetlolor]

I'm feeling the urge to play this again.

Here's some music to go along with the LP.

[Tawa]

After another trip sequence, I find myself in a metal room that reminds me vaguely of some scifi-fantasy blend flash RPG I played a few months ago.

What the... where are we?

There's no way they Chancellor can reach us here. *

The civilization here seems so... advanced... *

It's like we're in another world. *

We all head outside and discover a bunch of random future-domes, the kind that sci-fi movies have encapsulating cities on planets with toxic atmospheres. We drop by one, but find that its inhabitants all look vaguely like me if I was a zombie.

Auuuuhhgh... I wish we had food...

What happened to you guys?

We need food... at least we have the Enetron! But we're still hungry... maybe the guys at Arris Dome have some... but we can't get past the monsters at Lab 16...

Well that sucks. We don't have any food, either, so you're out of luck.

Awww man...

We drop by Lab 16 and beat up the monsters there like nobody's business. We drop by Arris Dome, and the old guy there is really curious about how we got here.

Woah! How'd you guys get here?

We... came through Lab 16? The monsters there were easy as pie.

Amazing! Hey, everybody! There's people who crossed the ruins!

WHAT.

We could have food... but the storage area is downstairs and it's guarded by a really powerful robot.

Robot? Pffft. I eat robots for breakfast.

Ok, well, maybe I don't because the metal isn't really that easy to digest. But I beat them up for money all the time.

You're not really going down there, are you?

What? You basically just told us we're going down there to beat up the robots.

No I didn't.

Whatever. I'm still going down there, because I'm...
NEUTRAL GOOD!

Fair enough.

We head downstairs and enter a room.

A giant robot promptly attacks. And since no internet image could provide humor and look vaguely like it, the Terminator will do instead.

INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT

Umm... that doesn't look good!

I have a katana! I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in 2300 AD for a lot of gold (that's about 2400 gold) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 hours now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana. That's nothing compared to a robot!

As it turns out, it is, because it took me a while to figure out that attacking the Guardian before I destroy his minions prompts a counterattack. After I figured that out, though, he went down hard.

We enter the next room and find an actual dead guy next to a bunch of crates of spoiled food.

Ooh! A seed!

... Where'd you find it?

On the dead guy.

O_o

... Anyway, this could be their last hope for survival.

Fair enough.

There was also a note that told me that a weird rat outside the room knew the secret to turning on the computer terminal outside. I investigate the rat.
12
BAHAHA GOT YOU YOU STINKING RAT NOW TELL ME HOW TO TURN ON THE COMPUTER

aaa ok in order to activate the computer terminal outside the room, hold L and R and hit A

... You have no respect for the fourth wall, do you?

wat fourth wall

That fourth wall.

whos that guy and why is he staring at us

Forget it.

Anyway, I turn on the computer console and reach the next room, because the computer terminal made a panel slide out of the wall or something that let me reach the other room. I meander through the area and discover a bunch of bugs and things, most of which I sneak around. I meander through a few rooms and eventually find another computer terminal.

Hey, we could use this to find time warps!

How the hell do you use a computer to search for time warps when time travel clearly isn't an everyday thing?

It doesn't matter, because there's one in Proto Dome, east of here!

I'm beginning to think that you could do anything with this device! Say, what does this button do? *

And she hits the big red button.

And it shows a "visual record of the Day of Lavos"--

WAIT A FRICKIN' SECOND.

THEY MISSPELLED LYEOS.

So anyway, the visual record of the Day of Lyeos, in AD 1999, goes something like this.



That explains everything. The hungry people, the destroyed labs, even the really depressing, abandoned-sounding background music.

And that looks positively sucktastic to encounter, and being NEUTRAL GOOD, I decide that I'm going to stop it.

Lyeos?... Is that what's destroying our world?! *

We must truly be in the future...  No! NO WAY! I refuse to believe it!! This... this can't be the way the world ends...

Oh, such a kind statement, Marle. How would you prefer the world ended?

Let's take a second and do some more research on Lyeos' activities back in our time period! Next stop, Proto Dome!

So we head back upstairs.

Where's the food?

We didn't find any, but we found this seed.

This... this may be our future... but why do you all look so different?

Maybe it's because we're healthy!

Heal-thy? What kind of friggin' fairy tale are you living in? The one that has things like "dok'taars" and the "Cloak of Band-Aid"? Ha ha!

We need to get to Proto Dome.

You'll need to take Lab 32, to the east. Take this, it's the key to the Jet Bike there.

JET BIKE?

Yes, the one I used to ride when I was young.

O o O

We head down there and are accosted by someone who appears to be Mr. T with wheels and sunglasses.

I pity the foo who thinks they can beat me in a race.

That a challenge, home dawg?

I don't hear a no. Would you like me to explain how to jet-bike?

For some idiotic reason, the game defaulted to "no", so this is the one time I consulted a FAQ so that I could find out how to play. I won easily and continued on my way to Proto Dome, where we found a borked robot.

It's in bad shape... but appears to be a humanoid robot! Incredible! I think I can fix it. *

What? It might attack us! *

I'll make sure it won't. Machines aren't capable of evil... humans make them that way. *

Oh, what a wonderful observation. Which would you like me to bring up first, the Guardian that just attacked us or the robots that attacked us on our way in here, or would you rather me go rent the Terminator?

Anyway, we get a long fixing sequence, although it doesn't rival the master of fixing sequences.

Mo......  Good morning, mistress. What is your command? *

I'm not your mistress. I'm Marle!  and this is Tawa... and Lucca, here, fixed you! *

Understood. Madam Lucca fixed me. *

Just Lucca will do. *

Impossible. That would be rude. *

Look, I hate formal titles. *

I understand, Lucca. *

All right! Now, what's your name? *

Name? Ah, my serial number. It is R66-Y. *

No! That won't do at all! Come on, Tawa, let's give him a better name! *

Morbidly obese? Basically made of metal and likely obsessed with industry? As an added bonus, I found out he beats up enemies with his bare fists. The choice is obvious: Urist.

Urist... Urist... that's perfect! Your new name is Urist, okay? *

I am... Urist... data storage complete. *

After a slightly boring bit, we decide that Urist, Marle, and myself are all headed up to the factory to turn the dome's power on. (Lucca is staying behind to open the door when the power comes back.) After a short dungeon crawl and fighting some acid, we get to the power thingy, and bad things happen.

Emergency! Security system has gone haywire. Must escape immediately!

We all start running and almost make it to the exit when we are accosted by six security robots who look just like Urist, except they're blue, if memory serves.

Th... these are my friends! R-64Y, R-67Y, and R-69Y! Good to see you!

You are defective. *

You have been tainted. *

After a short dialogue in which Urist gets all bummed about being "defective", I beat up the rest of the robots. Marle pulls Urist out of the scrap pile, and we take an absurdly long time to drag him back to Proto Dome. Lucca fixes him, rendering the entire robot encounter moot except for the gold and experience (and maybe some character development later).

We run through the door, and another trip sequence commences.



TO BE CONTINUED

I should mention that during some point in the sequences with Urist, some kind of chiptune version of, of all things, Never Gonna Give You Up, or at least a pretty good facsimile of it, started playing.

[flame99]

Another awesome update! Huzzah! I'm kind of surprised that Robo's (Urist's) theme didn't get mentioned, though.

[Tawa]

What? Damn, must've had it muted.

[Lyeos]

* Lyeos claps.

Not the game I thought you were referring to. 
PTW.

[flame99]

What? Damn, must've had it muted.

Here you go.

And no, that isn't a joke; that is, in fact, his actual theme.

[Tawa]

Oh, that. I remember that now. I liked that track.

[flame99]

I just thought that a robot playing a chiptune version of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up would get mentioned.