Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Harry Baldman]

Point my cyborg lizard at the guardian

Shoot it.

Point snail shell at guardian.

Redshirt jumps, and grabs the person with the shirt closest to the color yellow, using them as a shield.

[Initiative! Barry: 1, Starn: 3, John: 5, Redshirt: 4, Guardian: 6+1]
[Guardian vs. Redshirt: 6+1 vs. 3]

As the men assembled start to react, the Guardian, moving quite incredibly fast, almost even faster than the naked eye can see, swipes with its glowing sword, and off comes one of Redshirt's legs, cauterizing the stump with the slice, and making Redshirt yell in pain as he hops to find some human shields. John, meanwhile, raises the snail shell's opening toward the Guardian, and the inside of the thing rumbles violently.

[? vs. Guardian: 3+2 vs. 3+1]

A morass of tentacles, causing John to realize that he's been calling what is obviously a nautilus shell a snail shell the entire time and nearly facepalm as a result, emerges rapidly, its razor-sharp tentacles performing swipes from thirteen different directions at the Guardian, who receives a few small cuts, but dodges most of the assault.

[Comrade Yellowness Rolls! Barry: 2, Starn: 5, John: 3]

Realizing that Starn is by a wide margin the most yellow-shirted of his comrades, Redshirt hops over to hide behind him rather than the others, despite John's very impressive snail shell. But Starn has not shown off his gun yet, Redshirt realizes. Time for that to change.

[Starn's shooting roll: 4]
[Guardian's bullet-dodging roll: 4-1]

Redshirt watches and watches, but nothing seems to happen. What is he even looking at? Why is he missing one of his legs? What happened?

Barry, pointing his lizard at the conspicuous absence of anything at all, the lizard courteously puffing out its cybernetically-enhanced spikes, wonders why people were so worried. Starn himself is mystified as to why his gun seems to have gone off, and John is obliviously happy about how he still isn't pointing the nautilus shell at his own face.

"EXCELLENT WORK! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DISPATCHED THE GUARDIAN!" Radix the Omniscient says inexplicably. What guardian? "THE PATH AHEAD IS CLEAR IF YOU WISH TO EXPLORE IT, OR YOU MAY REMAIN HERE AND PARTAKE IN FLESHY PLEASURES AVAILABLE! ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS RELATING TO SAID FLESHY PLEASURES MAY OR MAY NOT BE PROVIDED! EXIT WILL REMAIN OPEN INDEFINITELY!"

A green circular hole opens up in space at the edge of the spinning gyroscope, rotating around the room.

((Stalling while I think of crappy story ideas))

Stargazer examines the pods in the room in greater detail.

The pods are two in number, linked with one another, and a helpful pictogram above them illustrates that a single person must occupy each pod according to standard operating procedure. Between the two pods there seems to be a black, immovable cube, and you are unsure about what that's supposed to be.

Knuser attempted the first story. " On 1511567.113.119033, the MILLER-PIKLO DEVICE became insane after the owner brought in a COFFEE MACHINE, so it practiced KITTEN SWINGING on it and destroyed it, becoming the favorite device of the household, after first killing them with its mad style"

The head coughs nonchalantly, and something rolls out of its mouth. It appears to be something wrapped in a piece of paper.

[Beirus]

John takes this moment to face palm before looking around.

"What sort of fleshy pleasures?  This place is plenty fleshy, but doesn't seem too pleasurable."

Facepalm, but not with the shell. Ask question.

[Salsacookies]

Gesture Stargazer to open it. " You trust it, you open it

[TamerVirus]

Yeah yeah, I too am interested in pleasures of the fleshy type.

[blazing glory]

Go through the portal.

[Nunzillor]

((Warning: dumb text walls incoming))

Stargazer wasn't about to let the FBI agent corrupt the Head of Listening with thinly veiled pro-government propaganda.  "HEY WAIT!  Don't listen to that heartless lying bastard!  I'll tell you what REALLY happened on 1511567.113.119033!

"Err yes, I remember that string of numbers well!  I was just a little girl then, but already I knew that I was destined for greatness!  Almost every day I would hear things, transmissions from beyond the stars, beamed directly into my skull.  The things these transmissions conveyed were never the same, but (at the time) there were only ever two voices: one that identified itself as Miller, and one that called itself Piklo.

"It was Piklo that revealed to me a great secret: toast always lands with the buttered side down.  The disembodied voice explained that it was contacting me on behalf of an advanced civilization that created toast in spheres.  When all sides of the toast-sphere were buttered and the sphere was dropped, the toast would float in the air since all sides couldn't land on the floor at once!  Their utopian civilization used toast-sphere physics to engineer a form of frictionless travel that spanned their entire homeworld!

"Miller revealed to me another tidbit of incredible wisdom: cats always land on their feet.  In Miller's home planet, cats were genetically modified to grow legs all over their bodies.  The poor creatures could hardly move, but they gained an amazing ability!  When these leg-cats were dropped from a great height, or thrown into the air, they failed to fall since it was physically impossible for them to land on all their feet at once!  Members of Miller's civilization would ride the cats and, though KITTEN SWINGING, launch themselves into the skies, allowing them to travel great distances in what were essentially flying cat mounts!

I resolved to use these universal truths to better mankind.  By taping the back of my family's cat to the back of a piece of buttered toast, I hoped to create what I termed a MILLER-PIKLO DEVICE that would take the human race in a completely new direction through anti-gravity!  Sadly, however, I accidentally launched the device into a COFFEE MACHINE while trying to activate it.  We never got another cat, so I was never able to rebuild the wondrous device.  One day, however, the human race will rediscover the Miller-Piklo device and our world shall never be the same!"

Stargazer paused briefly to catch her breath before taking the item in the Head of Listening's mouth and examining it.

[Playergamer]

Redshirt looks around, oddly happy.

"I was hit by something, and I SURVIVED!"

Eventually, Redshirt stops hopping around, and looks around for something to replace his leg with. He also looks for a weapon.

[Harry Baldman]

John takes this moment to face palm before looking around.

"What sort of fleshy pleasures?  This place is plenty fleshy, but doesn't seem too pleasurable."

Facepalm, but not with the shell. Ask question.

"GIVE IT A CHANCE! YOU HAVE NOT YET EXPLORED THE MAGIC OF THE VISISPHERE, THE GLORY OF THE ONION OF TRUTH, THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THE MOUND OF COMPETITION OR THE COMFORT OF THE ARMCHAIR!"

Gesture Stargazer to open it. " You trust it, you open it

You choose to do nothing at all, and simply watch Stargazer as she does all the work. After all, you're quite exhausted from all that storytelling you just did.

Yeah yeah, I too am interested in pleasures of the fleshy type.

"ALL PLEASURES ARE FLESHY HERE! PARTAKE OF THEM HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT!"

Go through the portal.

Not in the mood for pleasures of a fleshy nature, you walk through the nearest portal, which takes some effort, given how it seems intent on spinning away at all times. But you go through it, and you find yourself in a tunnel of polished steel pierced by organic-looking roots. It seems to go upward and downward, and though gravity seems to orient you so that a specific side of it attracts you and you do not feel a downward pull, you nevertheless do not seem to be able to consciously orient yourself so that it no longer seems like a downward direction - the fear of falling remains, as does the sensation that your walking on the wall is quite wrong.

You notice a sphere trailing you from beneath, a sphere of steel with two rows of ringlike openings placed perpendicularly to one another, each opening possessing a single human eye. As it trails you, it begins to emit a low beep accompanied by the voice of Radix the Omniscient.

"HEAR THE WORDS OF RADIX THE OMNISCIENT! BE WELCOME TO THE CONDUIT OF THE SKIES! UPWARD LIE THE UNHOLY CHAMBERS OF SATIATION! AND BELOW IS THE FESTERING PIT OF SIN! ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CONDUIT LIES THE PATH TO THE PARADISE OF FLESHY PLEASURES! AND TRAILING YOU IS THE ANGEL OF IMPREGNABILITY, READY TO SERVE IF YOU ANSWER AT LEAST ONE QUESTION OF THREE WITH A DEGREE OF ACCURACY!"

"FIRSTLY, WHAT DOES THE MPD PORTEND?"

"SECONDLY, WHAT IS THE PLEASURABLE MEDIUM BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH?"

"THIRDLY, WHERE DOES RADIX END AND THE WORLD BEGIN?"

((Warning: dumb text walls incoming))

Stargazer wasn't about to let the FBI agent corrupt the Head of Listening with thinly veiled pro-government propaganda.  "HEY WAIT!  Don't listen to that heartless lying bastard!  I'll tell you what REALLY happened on 1511567.113.119033!

"Err yes, I remember that string of numbers well!  I was just a little girl then, but already I knew that I was destined for greatness!  Almost every day I would hear things, transmissions from beyond the stars, beamed directly into my skull.  The things these transmissions conveyed were never the same, but (at the time) there were only ever two voices: one that identified itself as Miller, and one that called itself Piklo.

"It was Piklo that revealed to me a great secret: toast always lands with the buttered side down.  The disembodied voice explained that it was contacting me on behalf of an advanced civilization that created toast in spheres.  When all sides of the toast-sphere were buttered and the sphere was dropped, the toast would float in the air since all sides couldn't land on the floor at once!  Their utopian civilization used toast-sphere physics to engineer a form of frictionless travel that spanned their entire homeworld!

"Miller revealed to me another tidbit of incredible wisdom: cats always land on their feet.  In Miller's home planet, cats were genetically modified to grow legs all over their bodies.  The poor creatures could hardly move, but they gained an amazing ability!  When these leg-cats were dropped from a great height, or thrown into the air, they failed to fall since it was physically impossible for them to land on all their feet at once!  Members of Miller's civilization would ride the cats and, though KITTEN SWINGING, launch themselves into the skies, allowing them to travel great distances in what were essentially flying cat mounts!

I resolved to use these universal truths to better mankind.  By taping the back of my family's cat to the back of a piece of buttered toast, I hoped to create what I termed a MILLER-PIKLO DEVICE that would take the human race in a completely new direction through anti-gravity!  Sadly, however, I accidentally launched the device into a COFFEE MACHINE while trying to activate it.  We never got another cat, so I was never able to rebuild the wondrous device.  One day, however, the human race will rediscover the Miller-Piklo device and our world shall never be the same!"

Stargazer paused briefly to catch her breath before taking the item in the Head of Listening's mouth and examining it.

The Head of Listening listens, but disgorges no more, so you go and take a look at the object it has disgorged already. It appears to be a note that reads:

READ THE WORDS OF RADIX THE OMNISCIENT

THE DATE IS 1511567.112.119021
THE FIRST KEY PHRASE IS "CAMARADERIE"
THE SECOND KEY PHRASE IS "CAUGHT WITH OUR COLLECTIVE PANTS DOWN"
THE THIRD KEY PHRASE IS "VAUDEVILLIAN ANTICS"
THE FOURTH KEY PHRASE IS "LAPUTAN ETHICS"
THE FIFTH KEY PHRASE IS "SWIFT IS DEAD"
THE SIXTH KEY PHRASE IS "UTMOST CORRECTITUDE"

SPEAK INTO THE EAR THE WORDS REQUIRED

As for the object the note was wrapped around, it seems to be a set of novelty plates with the faces of dead people surrounded by geometric ornamentation on them, some of these faces look vaguely familiar.

Redshirt looks around, oddly happy.

"I was hit by something, and I SURVIVED!"

Eventually, Redshirt stops hopping around, and looks around for something to replace his leg with. He also looks for a weapon.

You find no real legs or weapons of note, but the glorious Onion of Truth has a heavy golden layer you can peel off - each small fragment of a peel is weighty enough to be used as a blunt objects, and also seems to contain a bit of reading material. For instance, the one you get is:

READ THE WORDS OF RADIX THE OMNISCIENT. ON THE LAYERS OF THE ONION OF TRUTH YOU SHALL FIND ENLIGHTENMENT, OR INELEGANT LIES. WHICH IS WHICH IS FOR YOU TO DECIDE.

THE TRUE ORIGIN OF BEARS IS SIMPLER THAN MILLIONS OF YEARS OF EVOLUTION WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. THE FIRST BEAR WAS BORN OF AN UNHOLY UNION BETWEEN A WOLF, A HUMAN AND AN OAK TREE. EACH OF ITS PARENTS GAVE IT AN ELEMENT OF THEIR POWER. THE FUR OF THE WOLF! THE SKILL OF A MAN! THE PHOTOSYNTHETIC ABILITY OF THE OAK! ALL THESE CAME TOGETHER TO FORM THE TERROR YOU MAY KNOW TODAY. AND SO IT HAS REIGNED OVER THE WILDERNESS TO THIS VERY DAY.

[Playergamer]

Redshirt reads this, nods, then walks hops through the portal.

[TamerVirus]

Explore for fleshy pleasures

[Harry Baldman]

Redshirt reads this, nods, then walks hops through the portal.

You find yourself next to Starn, and Radix the Omniscient poses you the same three questions.

Explore for fleshy pleasures

There is a glassy sphere held in an upward-pointed alien arm, an onion-like fleshy structure, an armchair made of flesh and a fleshy mound on the ground with knee-shaped indentations placed all around it - other pleasures are not visible presently, and you do not know where any could be hidden.

[Beirus]

Go sit in the armchair.

[TamerVirus]

>examine sphere

[Nunzillor]

((Stalling...))

Stargazer, a manic grin on her face, accepted the plates with reverence.  "THANK YOU wise star being!  I will treasure this generous gift above all else!"

She inspected the blessed artifacts closely.  Why did they seem familiar?  Who were these dead people that decorated them?

[Salsacookies]

"You seem in love. Go on, answer its questions, takes its gifts, marry it, have children, this abyss will be the downfall of the weak-willed like you."