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[Challenger]

(I apologize that my first post here on Bay 12 has to be a request for help/advice and not something more constructive or helpful. I've lurked these forums for some months now and this issue has eaten me up enough to make me register. From here out, I'll be posting at least semi-regularly and look forward to getting to know everybody.)

I'll try to keep this as short and as sweet as possible. Please, if you have any questions, ask and I will elaborate.

I'm 19. Did poorly in high school due to lack of interest/motivation. Traveled for half a year, came back to do another semester of high school to increase my grades, get some better credits, and increase my odds of getting into University this year. When I came back from traveling, I met a pretty fantastic girl through a mutual friend. She exceeds my physical expectations in a girlfriend and we get along famously. We're into pretty much all of the same things, and on occasion she'll actually force me to play video games so that she can watch. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Totally. She even likes Star Wars and comic books. So what's the problem? Well, she's turning 17 on Tuesday -- don't panic, we're within legal range for Canada -- and at two years my junior, some complications are arising. We don't argue, she isn't too immature, it's nothing of that nature. But I am going to University in September and will be living on residence. It's only about a thirty minute drive from her house and I have a car, but I don't really want to go into my first year in University in a relationship. I'm a really social guy, I really enjoy partying and meeting new people.. and admittedly, sleeping with those people. I'm discovering that I dislike the concept of a monogamous relationship more and more as I grow nearer to University-time.

So ultimately, I know I have to break up with her. Cheating on her while I'm there is not an option in any way whatsoever. But how do you break up with somebody that you haven't ever even fought with? Somebody who thinks they love you (or actually loves you - depends on your opinion regarding a teenagers capacity to truly love, which I suppose is subjective and.. well, let's just not even get into it, it's not that relevant.) and would compromise anything to be with you. About a year ago, a girl I dated for about a year and naively allowed myself to put my emotional well-being in the palm of dumped me because she just "lost feelings" for me. It totally broke me up and shattered my world at the time, and the idea of doing that to somebody else, especially this new girlfriend who doesn't deserve a lick of pain whatsoever, really sucks.

How do I break up with her without causing a mental breakdown or serious heartbreak for her? Is it unavoidable? Do I have to be the bad guy that just breaks up with her because he wants to fool around in University? I don't want to lie, but I don't want to hurt her as badly as I feel like it will if I break up with her for the aforementioned reasons. Am I just a bad person for wanting to be single in University? So many questions, haha, I apologize.

[GlyphGryph]

Is it that you want to break up with her? Or that you want these other things and would consider remaining with her if you can still have them?

If the second, I'd recommend telling her the truth. If the two of you decide it's not workable, she will at least feel like she had some agency and input into how things turned out. She couldn't control who you were or what you wanted, but ultimately she would have decided the relationship that was possible wasn't one she wanted. She might still cast you as the bad guy, and have a rough time, but you're making things better than they otherwise would have been. Or, she's okay with it, and you end up having multiple active relationships which can be a lot of work and potential drama but also pretty rewarding. Win-win.

If it's the first, there aren't any win-wins. But honesty is still going to help you out.

[Trapezohedron]

Honesty is going to soften the blow, as far as blows using a sledgehammer of sudden breakups go. I can't give any proper or credible advice, since I'm not in a relationship myself, but here goes...

As GlyphGryph said, you should iron it out with your GF by telling her what your concerns exactly are, which is as you've said on your post, a sense of freedom with your social life. I warn you, that doing this will most likely make you a "bad guy" and you will have broken her heart, having suddenly told her that the relationship wouldn't work out, and that is assuming she thinks your current relationship is indeed working out. This of course sends her through the seven stages of denial grief and maybe cull your relationship with her permanently depending on how she deals with it. There's no win-win if you ask me.

If you honestly think this is the right choice, then go through with it. You have more guts than the average person to have been planning to break up with her properly than to cheat on her outright anyway, so your heart's on the right place.

[LordBucket]

How do I break up with her without causing a mental breakdown or serious heartbreak for her?

I'm hesitant to touch this one.

All I can suggest is, talk to her. Tell her the truth. Explain to her the situation and ask her what she'd like to do about it. Don't be evasive about it. Go right out and tell her you're going to university and that want to sleep with other people but you don't want to cheat on her. I suggest that your discomfort admitting that is worth avoiding dooming her to spend the next several years wondering what she did wrong. Talk to her and listen to her input.

About a year ago, a girl I dated for about a year and naively allowed myself to put my emotional well-being in the palm of dumped me because she just "lost feelings" for me. It totally broke me up and shattered my world at the time, and the idea of doing that to somebody else, especially this new girlfriend who doesn't deserve a lick of pain whatsoever, really sucks.

Agreed. So don't do that. Self-examine very closely to make certain that you're not replaying a pattern that was taught to you. This girl who dumped you, she hurt you...once. Don't let her hurt you for the rest of your life by learning to break up relationships the way she did.

your opinion regarding a teenagers capacity to truly love

I've dated women of ages ranging from 15 to 40-something. My opinion is that the trend is that the more relationships a woman has had, the more difficult it is for her to be deeply emotionally involved in subsequent relationships. I advise against assuming that older women who presumably have already been with a bunch of guys before you, will somehow be more capable of "truly loving" you than a younger girl who doesn't have that background. My sample group does not support that conclusion.

[Yoink]

Are these casual university flings likely to give you the same amount of happiness as what you get from your relationship with her?
I know it's not what you asked, but I figure it's worth pondering, seeing as how you obviously care for her quite a lot.

[DJ]

You are bound to comer out as a bad guy because you are, in fact, a bad guy in this situation. You obviously led her on to think that you're down for a monogamous relation, else this wouldn't be an issue in the first place. If you really want to break up, just bite the bullet and be straightforward about it, accepting that you're a bad guy here. But I'd strongly advise you to rethink your decision, because a relationship as awesome as you describe is really hard to find, and it's certainly more valuable than casual sex every now and then.

[Trapezohedron]

You are bound to comer out as a bad guy because you are, in fact, a bad guy in this situation. You obviously led her on to think that you're down for a monogamous relation, else this wouldn't be an issue in the first place. If you really want to break up, just bite the bullet and be straightforward about it, accepting that you're a bad guy here. But I'd strongly advise you to rethink your decision, because a relationship as awesome as you describe is really hard to find, and it's certainly more valuable than casual sex every now and then.

I'd say the emotional support of two people who understand each other is better than any casual sex, and even then, you have each other when the time comes for that.

[LordBucket]

You are bound to comer out as a bad guy because you are, in fact, a bad guy in this situation

Give the guy credit. Sounds like he hasn't cheated on her and he's trying to do the right thing.

You obviously led her on to think that you're down for a monogamous relation, else this wouldn't be an issue

Granted we're only hearing his side of the story, but "Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" is not a marriage proposal. They've presumably been together for some time. If they had an arrangement, and he's honored that arrangement, and here we are a year or two later and he wants to go do something else now...I don't think it's reasonable to accuse him of leading her on.

a relationship as awesome as you describe is really hard to find, and it's certainly more valuable than casual sex every now and then.

Well, that on the other hand might be true. But that's for him to decide. Let's not forget what it's like dealing with fresh 18 year old hormones. Lots and lots of sex with crazy college party girls might seem incredibly important to him right now.

OP:

It would be unfortunate for you to give up what you're calling a "perfect" relationship to go have wild and crazy sex, only to then spend the rest of your life never having another "perfect" relationship and always wondering about the lifetime you threw away in exchange for a handful of one night flings. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to chain yourself down and deny yourself what you want out of fear of possibly maybe missing out on a relationship that might maybe be worth keeping.

On the other hand, it would also be unfortunate to give up those one night flings out of fear of losing out, only to have this relationship not work in the long term for some reason. Even more so if the reason it didn't work out was because you were always resentful that you'd chained yourself down out of fear.

You might break up with this girl and then never get laid through all of college, and look back and realize you gave up the best girlfriend of your life for nothing at all. Or you might stay with her and she might cheat on you. Or you might sleep with some hot party girl and get aids. Or you might marry this girl only to have her immediately gain 100 pounds and start acting out her childhood frustrations at her father on you.

It's difficult to know the future. All you can decide for sure is what you do. My advise is that you talk to her, openly and honestly, and whatever you decide to do be sure it's a decision that regardless of what anybody else does, regardless of whatever external circumstances turn up tht out of your control, you can look back on and say that you made the right choice. Both for you and for others.

1) To thine own self be true.
2) Treat others honorably.

Reconcile 1 and 2 to the best of your ability. The world is beyond your control. Those two things are within your power to choose. Choose well.

[Playergamer]

... Do you actually want to break up with her? Think about it for a while, and if you already have, think about it some more. Reading the OP, it sounds like you feel you have to, and not that you want to.

Ninja'ed: What LB said, basically. If you want to do this, do it, but don't be reckless about it.

[Jelle]

I'm not one to usually advise on relationship stuff, but I thought I'd chime in and second DJ here.
Additionally you can explain that you need some space so you can start uni without to much distractions, if she's cool she will understand that. If you want to break up in favor of more frivolous relations that's another matter entirely, and if that's the case you need to seriously consider what you want and what you stand to lose.

[Vector]

.

[QuakeIV]

I'm not one to usually advise on relationship stuff, but I thought I'd chime in and second DJ here.
Additionally you can explain that you need some space so you can start uni without to much distractions, if she's cool she will understand that. If you want to break up in favor of more frivolous relations that's another matter entirely, and if that's the case you need to seriously consider what you want and what you stand to lose.

This is more or less my own thoughts as well.

[GlyphGryph]

I warn you, that doing this will most likely make you a "bad guy" and you will have broken her heart

Admittedly, him being the "bad guy" is one of the benefits of the situation. If the goal is to hurt her as little as possible, far better for her to believe that he is a selfish jerk than to blame herself for not being good enough for him. Then at least there's none of that miserable pining and self-pity. Or less, anyway.

[MDFification]

I'm in a similar situation myself OP. An extremely similar situation.

My recommendation is just to focus on not hurting her as much as possible. You're not a bad guy for wanting to be single for university; long distance relationships generally aren't good for anyone, and most people meet their eventual life partner in university. In fact I'd recommend that you specifically tell her you want to give her her freedom to find someone else back since you're not going to be around to be there for her next year, and you think she deserves to have someone who is.
I'd do the actual breakup during the summer, just after the end of school. That way you allow her to finish her year without distraction, and then she'll have time to recover/find someone else over the summer.

Hope it goes well for you. Just being concerned about it means you're not taking your relationship for granted, which considering how my peergroup seems to be treating their girlfriends this time of year makes me happy.

[Meph]

Whats wrong with open relationships?