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[Cheeetar]

Whats wrong with open relationships?

What's wrong with somebody not wanting to be in an open relationship?

[Trapezohedron]

I'm in a similar situation myself OP. An extremely similar situation.

My recommendation is just to focus on not hurting her as much as possible. You're not a bad guy for wanting to be single for university; long distance relationships generally aren't good for anyone, and most people meet their eventual life partner in university. In fact I'd recommend that you specifically tell her you want to give her her freedom to find someone else back since you're not going to be around to be there for her next year, and you think she deserves to have someone who is.
I'd do the actual breakup during the summer, just after the end of school. That way you allow her to finish her year without distraction, and then she'll have time to recover/find someone else over the summer.

Hope it goes well for you. Just being concerned about it means you're not taking your relationship for granted, which considering how my peergroup seems to be treating their girlfriends this time of year makes me happy.

As much as I want to agree with this post, it just keeps coming to my mind that maybe some people would actually prefer to stick to those they knew instead of finding "someone who can take care of them better."

[Baffler]

I did this. Don't do it. It went... badly. It became clear to me very quickly afterward that what I gave up was worlds better than what I ended up with.

[Meph]

Whats wrong with open relationships?

What's wrong with somebody not wanting to be in an open relationship?

Nothing, but before completely breaking up because he wants anonymus sex with other people, why not propose an open relationship? Polygamy is not necessarily a reason to break up a "perfect relationship".

[MorleyDev]

I've been accused of many vile things for suggesting this, ranging from a lack of empathy to a worshipping of pragmatic logic over emotive reasoning, but I'm going to go out on a limb here, risk the knives and pitchforks and fire, and make a bold suggestion: honesty.

Just explain how you feel and are thinking, find the words and use them. Tell the truth about how you feel, and what happens happens. Making it complicated, telling half-truths and white lies leaves you with guilt when it goes well and remorse when it goes poorly, but the honest truth without filters or pretence is bare, plain, naked and simple. There's no room for real guilt and real remorse when you lay everything on the table and let what would happen happen.

[Mindmaker]

Honesty is all good and well, but I don't know if I'd like to hear "You're a nice lad, but if it's you or casual sex, I'm going to pick the latter".

[MorleyDev]

If that's the summation of your thoughts and feelings, is it not still better to tell them? This is probably where the lack of empathy and pragmatic logic accusations come from, but if that's your thoughts then don't they deserve them? Don't they deserve your truth, your honesty? If you don't tell them, if you're hiding or telling them white lies because you don't think they can handle the truth, then doesn't that say everything about how much you truly respect them? Are you not doing them the greater disservice?

Like I said, I get accused of things when I talk like this. I guess it is pretty brutal, bull-headed and somewhat unempathetic.

[Trapezohedron]

The only reason I cannot fully accept that is that the other party might have a very high chance of experiencing a shock if you put it that way. "Am I just a toy to you?!", she responds, as is expected of this scenario.

There are some people willing to participate in an open relationship, keep that in mind, however.

[Vector]

.

[MorleyDev]

I'm not saying go out of your way to be cruel, a frank and honest and open discussion of ones thoughts and feelings shouldn't be deliberately cruel or hurtful unless your thoughts and feelings are to be cruel and to hurt. So if we're ignoring malicious psychopaths, any hurt that comes from such a discussion is a lesser to the disservice you do to someone you supposedly care about.

But I am something of a simpleton, emotionally speaking.

[LordBucket]

Honesty is all good and well, but I don't know if I'd like to hear "You're a nice lad, but if
it's you or casual sex, I'm going to pick the latter".

You know how annoying it is when girls say they can't go out with you because they have to do their hair? Or say they'd love to go out with you then give you a fake phone number? Wouldn't you rather they simply said, "Thank you, no. Not interested."

It works both ways.

"I want to have lots of crazy college party sex, and I'm telling you because it would be terrible to hide it or lie about, what do you want to do?" is much better than "Wow, you're the greatest girlfriend ever, but I'm breaking up with you because of university." "Huh, what? Why does going to university mean you have to break up with me?" "Because...umm, we'll be far away from each other. Yeah." "I'm ok with that. You're worth waiting for." "Umm, ok...but, yeah I'm breaking up with you anyway." "Why?" "Because." "But I love you. At least tell me why." "Oh, well...umm, no reason I'm brave enough to admit to." "You realize I'm going to spend the next 2 years wondering why the best boyfriend I ever had dumped me and wasn't willing to tell me why?" "Yeah. well, not my problem. It's more important to me to be evasive than to be honest." "Oh my god...it's me, isn't it? There's something about me that's so wrong that you can't even tell me? What is it?" "No, no...that's not it. Really. Now excuse me while I find something else to do and stop returning your calls."

[sal880612m]

I think if you are going to do it be honest and up front about why. Chances are you will be treated like a bad guy but the only way to get around that is to be a bad guy. There is something very 'young' seeming about your reasons for breaking up. It isn't outright immaturity because you know yourself well enough to see where there could be problems and are trying to deal with those in a responsible and respectful way. The other side of that is that you are giving up on something that works for who knows what and possibly nothing, basically for the experience of it. If you actually like this girl I would consider trying to maintain the relationship for a time because you can't be certain exactly how things will play out. I am not going to list how things could end up, you can do that for yourself as you know both yourself and the situation better.

My views boil down to relationships are work and if you aren't willing to put that in get out and that regrets come in two forms thing you did and things you didn't do. I find the latter easier to deal with especially in regards to something like going to college as it generally lasts at least 2 years. You can never really undo what you have done in situations like these but you can still decide to do something later.

No matter whether you decide to break up or stick with it for a while I do recommend talking to her in either case so she knows where the relationship stands. Also as others have said it is important to make your own decision on the matter, others can advise you but you are the one that has to put what you decide into practice and live with the consequences of doing so.

[Mlamlah]

Sometimes the parts we play in life arn't quite what we would like, but being able to pursue what one really wants... at least on some level is important.

People are really bad at communication, really really bad. We play these little evasive games with eachother because we want the truth to be presented in a certain way, because we want control of the information we give to other people. It means that often enough just explaining what you want in a relationship or sex or in life in general becomes this dance more than it is actual communication of vital information about what we want or need from a relationship.

Be honest with yourself about what you want, but be honest to the people who you care about too. Sometimes that means you won't have control of the information that you're giving, but that's why it's called giving. The people you care about deserve you to give them truth, and not a spoon fed version of it, because they deserve the power to create a way to approach and deal with reality in a way all their own. We all deserve agency, and withholding information that effects more than just you... could be considered a form of denying agency. Talk about it openly and honestly, hopefully you both can deal with it like adults, and hopefully the truth can be used by all parties to better deal with the realities laid before them.

[MonkeyHead]

Disclaimer: didn't read every post...

Lets not forget that there is a second person in this relationship whose opinion counts. Have you considered asking her how she sees your relationship developing when you move to college, or what she wants? Make this into a 2 way discussion instead of you laying down the law.

[Muz]

Would you regret not breaking up with her? Worst case? When you're 50 will you ever think back and wish you broke up with her? If you do break up with her, will you think back when you're 50 and wish you went with that girl?

Answer to that last question is almost always no. Unless you marry some horrible person. I've dated models, engineers, gamer girls, girls smarter than me, daughters of filthy rich people... and I've never regretted not continuing the relationship with them. I've got plenty of friends who've nearly married some people who later on became celebrities or CEOs or whatever. And they've still not regretted breaking up with those 'ideal person'.

There are plenty of perfect people in this world. You'll find another one. And as long as you don't wait until you're 30 or something where all the good similar aged girls are taken, you'll learn to find more perfect ones with experience.

Besides, your current gf deserves better :v

Heartbreak is a fact of life. A friend's ex broke up with her in the worst way possible - she called him to ask him why he hadn't contacted her in so long. He told her that he got married a few weeks back because he fucked some girl and ended up in a shotgun wedding. The heartbreak was a character building moment and she ended up marrying her nearly ideal guy.

You should probably be less of a dick and break up with her instead of cheating on her or whatever.