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[They Got Leader]

This is a general Dwarven Public Service Announcement about Gigantic Tortoises¹.

Biological researchers at Onolmeban² captured many live specimens of the gigantic tortoise, along with many other species of giant insects. The resident Keeper, Asmel Mistemzatam³, took to taming the giant beasts in hopes to one day gather the eggs for breeding and harvest the creatures for their extensive shells and meat. Each tortoise can live to be over one hundred years old. Asmel took deep records and accounts of the tortoise and came down to these pieces of information.

Size: 1,239,000 to 2,478,000cm³, meaning they can be 20 to 41 times larger than your average dwarf.
They average 27-59 pieces of meat for the butcher, 23-25 bones and 9-12 pieces of bone for the carver along with a skull.
The only wasted piece of the tortoise is the skin. They have tough, leathery scales that can not be made into armor, claims the leatherworker.
It appears that once a year, the tortoises will claim a nestbox to breed its young.


So far, these things seem like a major plus for the dwarven city of Onolmeban, but there is a drawback to these behemoths. First of all, they take up the entire damn hallway. Wherever the tortoises tread, the dwarves tend to either path around or get stuck in a giant jumble or trying to duck around each other. Secondarily, the first generation of tortoises were once wild, and thusly, long to be free again. Sometimes they will break for the surface and forget their training.

This is where Onolmeban's troubles truly begin.

Because the tortoise is so much larger than a dwarf, it can absorb a ridiculous amount of damage before it gives in. On the 23rd of Granite, 158, one of these tortoises forgot all of it's training and went wild inside of the dining hall. It made a break at the Asher Asmel Stelidzon⁴, who then proceeds to punch the tortoise for something like ten pages of combat logs until he passes out from exertion. The tortoise retracted into it's shell and sat there for the entire battle.

Afterwards, it wandered around until it ran into the war grizzly bear. They engage in combat, but that was short lived...
                                                                                                                                                                ...For the war grizzly. It bit the tortoise in the leg, and wounded it. The tortoise turned around and ripped the bear's head off. Because of the tortoise's size, it healed almost instantly. At this point, the military was alerted to the presence of the wild tortoise, and a lone axedwarf decided to take it on. He fractured the shell, but the tortoise bit his foot off. The axedwarf was instantly rushed to the hospital, and survived. The hammerdwarves rushed in and began to crush the tortoise, trying to break its impenetrable shell to no avail.

At this point, the master speardwarf grabbed his freshly forged adamantine spear, leapt into the air and struck the tortoise in the shell. It broke apart, and he epically wrestled the tortoise for a bit before he struck it in the skull with his spear, ending the battle.

The kill count: 1 tortoise, 1 war grizzly bear and an axedwarf's foot.


This is a cautionary tale for anyone who wishes to tame the gigantic tortoise. Beware it's oversized power, healing and its shell. Let the researchers of Onolmeban be a guard against any future interactions with the feared beast.

Thank you for reading,
TheyGotLeader



^1: Not to be confused with their slightly smaller brethren, the giant tortoise. Be careful of their misleading names.
^2: That is "Mountainstreams", for those who do not speak Dwarven.
^3: Asmel "Portalclouts", legendary keeper
^4: Asmel "Washhem", adequate asher, he was a recent migrant

[Urist_McGamer]

This is a general Dwarven Public Service Announcement about Gigantic Tortoises¹.

Biological researchers at Onolmeban² captured many live specimens of the gigantic tortoise, along with many other species of giant insects. The resident Keeper, Asmel Mistemzatam³, took to taming the giant beasts in hopes to one day gather the eggs for breeding and harvest the creatures for their extensive shells and meat. Each tortoise can live to be over one hundred years old. Asmel took deep records and accounts of the tortoise and came down to these pieces of information.

Size: 1,239,000 to 2,478,000cm³, meaning they can be 20 to 41 times larger than your average dwarf.
They average 27-59 pieces of meat for the butcher, 23-25 bones and 9-12 pieces of bone for the carver along with a skull.
The only wasted piece of the tortoise is the skin. They have tough, leathery scales that can not be made into armor, claims the leatherworker.
It appears that once a year, the tortoises will claim a nestbox to breed its young.


So far, these things seem like a major plus for the dwarven city of Onolmeban, but there is a drawback to these behemoths. First of all, they take up the entire damn hallway. Wherever the tortoises tread, the dwarves tend to either path around or get stuck in a giant jumble or trying to duck around each other. Secondarily, the first generation of tortoises were once wild, and thusly, long to be free again. Sometimes they will break for the surface and forget their training.

This is where Onolmeban's troubles truly begin.

Because the tortoise is so much larger than a dwarf, it can absorb a ridiculous amount of damage before it gives in. On the 23rd of Granite, 158, one of these tortoises forgot all of it's training and went wild inside of the dining hall. It made a break at the Asher Asmel Stelidzon, who then proceeds to punch the tortoise for something like ten pages of combat logs until he passes out from exertion. The tortoise retracted into it's shell and sat there for the entire battle.

Afterwards, it wandered around until it ran into the war grizzly bear. They engage in combat, but that was short lived...
                                                                                                                                                                ...For the war grizzly. It bit the tortoise in the leg, and wounded it. The tortoise turned around and ripped the bear's head off. Because of the tortoise's size, it healed almost instantly. At this point, the military was alerted to the presence of the wild tortoise, and a lone axedwarf decided to take it on. He fractured the shell, but the tortoise bit his foot off. The axedwarf was instantly rushed to the hospital, and survived. The hammerdwarves rushed in and began to crush the tortoise, trying to break its impenetrable shell to no avail.

At this point, the master speardwarf grabbed his freshly forged adamantine spear, leapt into the air and struck the tortoise in the shell. It broke apart, and he epically wrestled the tortoise for a bit before he struck it in the skull with his spear, ending the battle.

The kill count: 1 tortoise, 1 war grizzly bear and an axedwarf's foot.


This is a cautionary tale for anyone who wishes to tame the gigantic tortoise. Beware it's oversized power, healing and its shell. Let the researchers of Onolmeban be a guard against any future interactions with the feared beast.

Thank you for reading,
TheyGotLeader



^1: Not to be confused with their slightly smaller brethren, the giant tortoise. Be careful of their misleading names.
^2: That is "Mountainstreams", for those who do not speak Dwarven.
^3: Asmel "Portalclouts", legendary keeper
^4: Asmel "Washhem", adequate asher, he was a recent migrant

With all this talk of tortoises and PSAs, I immediately thought of Bert the Turtle and expected something about dwarves learning to hide inside when danger threatens or something.

[Catsup]

dont ask me about the time my weaponized thrall-giant got loose...that monster weighed 14,000,000 ish due to being gigantic size and overweight, and could not be decapitated or bisected due to it's size, and was effectively immortal...

[Gentlefish]

I must capture and train me some gigantic wartortlesoises. They sound like the best defense.

Also pokemon mod yes please.

[They Got Leader]

Sadly, gigantic tortoises are not trainable for war and they tend to hide in their shells when danger strikes, much like Bert the Turtle. I could only imagine one that could actually come out of its shell and fight.

So much healing power. So much shell.

I think I am going to start chaining the future generations of the tortoises around my fortress. It will aggro enemies, where they will spend all of their time trying to wound it.

[Id Utalrisen]

I think I am going to start chaining the future generations of the tortoises around my fortress. It will aggro enemies, where they will spend all of their time trying to wound it.

I had a similar experience with a Giant Sponge in a terrifying jungle. Every single undead would spawn, and immediately try to kill them, leading to 50+ undead in a 3x3 area trying desperately to tear little bits of fluff off him for about 10 years.

God help me if I could capture and train War Sponges, to post along the border of my map.

[Catsup]

I had a similar experience with a Giant Sponge in a terrifying jungle. Every single undead would spawn, and immediately try to kill them, leading to 50+ undead in a 3x3 area trying desperately to tear little bits of fluff off him for about 10 years.

God help me if I could capture and train War Sponges, to post along the border of my map.

not a bad idea...dont forget repeating upright spikes surrounding each sponge so you can kill all the undead (the sponge wont die, and will be harmless if chained).

[zzedar]

Is it just me, or does this sound like a rather odd military design?

[Necrisha]

Not really, the tortise formation used to be quite popular back in the day 

[Blue_Dwarf]

I think you almost got yourself a D rating

[Catsup]

Is it just me, or does this sound like a rather odd military design?

i believe its called turtling

[Tirion]

"The things I do for shells."

[Loud Whispers]

Do you not acquire shells from butchering them?

[Necrisha]

0.o I guess some prefer the tortoise position... yes, that's the D rated one 

[They Got Leader]

Is it just me, or does this sound like a rather odd military design?

i believe its called turtling

I was going to suggest a Roman formation of some form but I think we already went over that.


And LoudWhisperes: yes. They produce shell for days. My bone carver has made thousands of gigantic tortoise bone bolts and decorated all of my mechanisms with shell. Plus now I have stacks of gigantic tortoise tallow soap, gigantic tortoise skull totems, and gigantic tortoise biscuits. It is like my entire fortress is based around these monstrous devils and somehow I am alright with it.