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[Avis-Mergulus]

Off current topic, but:

What's the difference between a squished skunk lying in the middle of the road, and a squished lawyer doing the same?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

There are burnt rubber tracks before the skunk - the driver hit the brakes.

How do you save a lawyer from asphyxiation?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Take your boot off his throat.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

A lawyer and a doctor got into a car accident. Though the wreck was terrible, neither were hurt - but quite shaken. They were sitting on the side of the road, and the lawyer pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the doctor. The doc took a pull and handed it back, and the lawyer put it back in his pocket. The doctor asked, "Aren't you going to have a nip?" The lawyer replied, "Yeah after the police get here."


---

A lawyer is in a car wreck, a huge smash-up. The policeman runs up and the lawyer is screaming at the other driver, "Look at my Porche! Look at what he did to my Porche!" The cop says, "You lawyers are so materialistic! Can't you see your arm is missing?" Sure enough, the lawyer looks down with dread at his arm and it's been cloven off at the shoulder. The lawyer's eyes snap up to the other driver and he inhales and screams, "He also destroyed my Rolex!"

[Knit tie]

That was very meta.

That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.

I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.

As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."

Aw shit, I think I have posted sojething people can misinterpret. Helgoland already did.

I am not a veteran. A guy I know is a veteran. The bold part above should say "I know a guy who is an Afghanistan veteran and he says". Sorry for the confusion.

Here's a joke as a penance:
Three mothers are talking:
- My Borya draws houses everywhere! He'll be an architect!
- And my Vanya draws cars! He'll have a car selling business!
- And my Vitya will probably be a gynecologist...

[Helgoland]

Naah, I just misread.

Also, a story my grampa told:
In the war, both sides had loudspeakers on the front that broadcasted propaganda. One of the Russian lines apparently went: "The difference between you and us is the following. On your side, every second soldier has the Iron Cross. On our side, every second soldier has a grenade thrower."

[crazysheep]

PTW, and to add 1 to the pile of baby jokes:

How can you make such jokes about dead babies?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Easy. It's not my baby.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

yes it's a riddler joke

[Comrade P.]

So, a son rushes into the kitchen and starts to jump while asking his mother to ask him something about geography. "Okay", mother says, and starts to ask him for capitals of different countries.
 - Germany?
 - Berlin!
 - Poland?
 - Berlin!
 - France?
 - Berlin!
 - England?
 - Berlin!
 - Soviet Union?
 - Berlin!
 - How smart you are, my little Adolf!

[Helgoland]

(After Mel Brooks:)

Did Hitler say 'Heil myself'?

[Dutchling]

A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Yes".

[Wysthric]

A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Oh my god, a talking dog!!!".

I think I've heard that before...

[Knit tie]

Egg shelf in a fridge:

-Hey, Bob, tell Steve to tell that new guy that we have a dress code here, he needs to shave.
-Steve, tell that hippie that he should shave.
-Hey, I know you're young and rebellous, but listen, we have a team here and all... you need to fit in, so please shave.
-GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I TOLD YOU GUYS I AM A KIWI!!!

[RedWarrior0]

A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Oh my god, a talking dog!!!".

I think I've heard that before...

Here, it's often a pair of muffins in an oven.

[Dutchling]

What's white and can't climb trees?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A fridge.

[Angel Of Death]

What is black, white and red all over?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A racial lynching. Man, I feel terrible now...

[LeoLeonardoIII]

What's white and can't climb trees?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A fridge.

This is wonderful. I know so few clean jokes.

[itisnotlogical]

What arrives at your home in small pieces, doesn't breathe, and comes in a dripping box?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A Lego set in the rain