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[Toaster]

Victory by default- the best kind of victory.

Think of it this way- you three don't have to worry about Bishop Lennan making cassocks out of your bollocks.

[Tiruin]

((Toaster has that strange kind of luck that keeps him alive in any game he plays in. Unfortunately, it seems he steals others' luck to fuel his survival.



Good work, lads. You will all be commended.))

[Toaster]

It grounds itself out occasionally- there was one RTD I died on Turn 2.

Honestly, I think it's Lars himself- glancing back over old turns, people seem to die near him at an alarming rate.  It might even cross over into totally-unrelated characters that might have a similar name to him.

[Greenstarfanatic]

((Wow. Just...Wow.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS! YOOOOOOOUU AAAAAAAAAARSE!

Good luck in the next episode, dude.))

[monk12]

Father Dick carves the names of the deceased into the back of a pew. Lest we forget.

[lawastooshort]

Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops.

The Village of Ardglass…

”WELL,” intones Bishop Lennan. ”I THINK THAT WENT FAIRLY WELL, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. THREE AWFUL EEJITS IN INTENSIVE CARE, AND THE ISLAND’S MILK CRISIS AVERTED.”

”Intensive care?”

”YES. APPARENTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY, BEING BLOWN TO TINY TINY PIECES ISN’T CONSIDERED FATAL NOWADAYS. AT LEAST THE GOBSHITES WON’T BE PRIESTING AGAIN ANY TIME SOON THOUGH, EH? JUST AS WELL, BECAUSE I WAS FECKIN’ WELL BEGINNING TO HAVE ENOUGH OF YOUR GODAWFUL EEJIT EXCUSES,” he says, suddenly switching to a strange whiny voice.

”Oooh, Bishop Lennan, I was just feckin’ well doing a Mass and then suddenly the church just feckin’ well SPONTANEOUSLY BURNT DOWN. DID IT NOW?! YOU BUNCH OF FECKIN’ EEJITS! CAN’T EVEN DELIVER MILK WITHOUT CAUSING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS WORTH OF DAMAGE! AND YOU! FATHER LARS! DON’T THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO WITH YOUR BOLLOCKS!”

Bishop Lennan takes a minute to breathe.

”LUCKILY FOR YOU TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR ROLLY ISLAND. A VERY SPECIAL DAY. THE HOLY STONE OF CLONFECKERT IS, AFTER YEARS OF PAPERWORK AND PLEADING, GOING TO BE UPGRADED!”

Several gasps escape from the watching priests.

”I KNOW, I KNOW. WE WILL BE TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE A CLASS TWO RELIC ON THE ISLAND. TOURISTS WILL FLOCK HERE BY THE DOZEN. THE ISLAND’S ECONOMY WILL REACH UNIMAGINABLE BOOMY HEIGHTS. IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.”

Bishop Lennan sits down, looking slightly dejected.

”UNFORTUNATELY THIS MEANS THERE HAS TO BE A CEREMONY, AND FOUR BISHOPS ARE COMING TO PERFORM IT. YOU WILL LOOK AFTER THE FECKERS.”

He stares each one of you in the eye, one by one.

”MAKE SURE THIS FECKIN’ CEREMONY HAPPENS, OR I WILL RAM THE HOLY FECKIN’ STONE OF CLONFECKERT UP YOUR FECKIN’ BACKSIDES!”


A little while later, the four priests are sipping tea in the parochial house when the door suddenly opens. Five Bishops enter.

Bishop Lennan speaks first.

”RIGHT. YOU, LARS, YOU BIG GOBSHITE. LOOK AFTER BISHOP FACHS HERE. YOU, ERROL, YOU TURGID EEJIT. SEE THAT BISHOP O’NEILL GETS TO THE CEREMONY SAFELY. YOU, TIRUIN, YOU STALE ARSEBISCUIT. TAKE CARE OF BISHOP JORDAN. AND YOU. O’FECKERTY. YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP MCFECKERTY. MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME.”

Bishop Lennan leaves.

Mrs O’Reilly, the housekeeper, comes in with tea.

”So then,” starts Bishop Jordan. ”Let’s upgrade the feck out of this feckin’ stone then, shall we?”

Spoiler: Episode Five Mechanics! (click to show/hide)

There is a rotating cast. There are four priests in this Episode. The least excellent (or, if you will, the most terrible) priest will be replaced by a waitlisting priest (Father Zomara) for Episode Six. The excellence (or awfulness) of priests will (again) be determined by Priest Operative Points. Dead priests will also be replaced (if the dead priest is the worst priest, two priests will be replaced! If the dead priest is not the worst priest, two priests will be replaced!)!

The goal of this Episode is to have the Holy Relic upgraded from a Third-Class Relic to a Second-Class Relic and to return to the Parochial House, ensuring that your respective Bishops come to no harm.

The stone is in a cliff-side field on the other side of the island.

Spoiler: POPS (click to show/hide)

If your Bishop is assaulted, you will receive -3 POPs!
If your Bishop dies, you will receive -6 POPs!
If your Bishop renounces his faith, you will receive -9 POPs!

For indirectly aiding the ceremony to upgrade the Relic (also known as actually being useful), you will receive +1 POPs!
For directly aiding the ceremony to upgrade the Relic, you will receive +3 POPs!
For being directly responsible for preventing the ceremony to upgrade the relic, you will receive -9 POPs!

There will be approximately TEN turns in which to achieve your goals! It will take a few turns to get to the Holy Stone, and at least two turns to perform the ceremony.

Further Instructions will again be sent by PM where relevant!

POPs will of course again be deducted for Unpriestly (this includes Nudity, incidentally), Criminal, Shameful, Murderous, and Blasphemous actions (in ascending order of seriousness).

Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)

Father Lars 0
Father Tiruin 0
Father O'Feckerty 0
Father Errol 0

[Yoink]

"Right, 'ello Bishop!" O'Feckerty nodded to McFeckerty.
"D'you want a feckin' tour of Rolly-feckin'-Island or should we just get straight to the feckin' upgrading?" He glanced about at each of his fellow priests and their respective bishops, looking thoughtful as an idea came to him. "Oh! Y'know what we should get for this whole ceremony business? A bunch o' them feckin' wiggly earpiece things, like what them feckin' special forces an' secret agents an' national feckin' security types have! To coordinate shite and that, y'know?"

>Offer tour to Bishop!

>Suggest wiggly earpiece radio things for the team!

[Tiruin]

Father Viridian, now casting his sobriquet away, stepped up and bowed at Lars' presence.

"My friend! Your name is famous in all the land for your deed! What say we all conduct masses beforehand when the tourists arrive? Surely they will have time before the opening ceremony - including our Bishops' presence!"

Tiruin, upon gazing at Father Feck-erty, smiled the broad smile only he could do.

"Communication is the path to wisdom. I agree!"

Wiggly earpiece radios, GO!

Get acquainted with my higher brethren! ALL of them, if possible!

"Bishop Jordan, a fancy name. Sounds like one of them basketball stars, I say. How have you been, and I say, that is one fancy collar you're wearing. How large is it and is it dry-clean only? And, oh! Look at~"

[Toaster]

"Bloody good idea with the earpieces, mate.  How about you go get us some?"

He turned to the Bishop.

"Bishop Fachs!  Father Lars here, and I do hope you enjoy your visit to the island!  I trust your trip went well?"

Make small talk with the Bishop and try to determine what potential horrible things he is likely to get involved in, since nothing ever goes right around here.

[Errol]

"Er. Right then. Um. Your somewhat holy holiness O'Neill? You had a good trip, yes? No werewolves? I hear that a lot of the feckers have been around recently. Um.

Uhhh... brothers of cloth. Are you sure your fecking cassocks are tightly affixed to your fecking bodies and staying there? We wouldn't want yet another nudity-related incident..."

Do some awkward smalltalk with the bishop, taking great care to not mention the topic of little boys. Find out what he's like. Listen to the other conversations.
Then purchase a second, fire-retardant, cassock.
Also wiggly earpieces thing.

[lawastooshort]

Not so much a self-bump as reassurance: I will do the turn and get things going when I can (same goes for MTL) but I can't right now. Thanks for waiting

[Yoink]

((La! We eez miss youuuuu! ))

[lawastooshort]

Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn One: You Rang, Father?

The Village of Ardglass…

>Offer tour to Bishop!

>Suggest wiggly earpiece radio things for the team!

..."Right, 'ello Bishop, yer great big shite!" nods Father O'Feckerty to Bishop McFeckerty. "D'you want a feckin' tour of Rolly-feckin'-Island or should we just get straight to the feckin' upgrading?"

“Great big shite?” shouts Bishop McFeckerty in a voice a few shades lighter than Bishop Lennan's but still not particularly agreeable without ear protection. “Great big shite? I'll give you a great big shite right up the arse, yer great big feckin' shitebiscuit!”

Bishop McFeckerty gives Father O'Feckerty a great big shite right in the feckin' face, in fact, just to surprise him, punching him to the ground, kicking him in the bollocks, and stepping over the groaning priest on his way to the door.

“Are we going to go on this feckin' gobshite tour of the island or are you going to roll about on the floor like some kind of mouldy feckin' bollock bag?”

“Nnngnggn right yes Your feckin' Highness! Erm Your Grace... Erm... Oh feck,” fecks O'Feckerty. He suddenly turns to his priestly companions, although it could just be a coincidental effect of his prolonged and agonised writhing on the ground. "Oh! Y'know what we should get for this whole ceremony business? A bunch o' them feckin' wiggly earpiece things, like what them feckin' special forces an' secret agents an' national feckin' security types have! To coordinate shite and that, y'know?"

"Bloody good idea with the earpieces, mate.” harrumphs Father Lars, striding over to O'Feckerty, standing over him and wondering whether he should give the downed priest a quick kick in the groin. He decides he won't. "How about you go get us some, you wee eejit?"

Lars turns to go back to his Bishop.

“Little gobshite,” he mutters under his breath.

Wiggly earpiece radios, GO!

Get acquainted with my higher brethren! ALL of them, if possible!

..."Communication is the path to wisdom. I agree!" agrees Father Tiruin, turning to the sage Father O'Feckerty with a constipated smile straining across his face. He steps up and peers closely at the now slightly uncomfortable Father Lars before bowing in a slightly stilted fashion.

"My friend! Your name is famous in all the land for your deed! What say we all conduct masses beforehand when the tourists arrive? Surely they will have time before the opening ceremony - including our Bishops' presence!"

“What?”

Oblivious to his failure to capture Father Lars' attention, Father Tiruin storms on to his next victim.

"Bishop Jordan, a fancy name. Sounds like one of them basketball stars, I say. How have you been, and I say, that is one fancy collar you're wearing. How large is it and is it dry-clean only? Do you like that size of collar? I quite like that shade of white, I have to say, one of my favourites. And, oh! Look at-"

”Me feckin' collar? What? Now, you know, since I'm here, perhaps I could help with your spiritual development? Give some ecumenical advice? Do you have any spiritual worries, my son?”

Make small talk with the Bishop and try to determine what potential horrible things he is likely to get involved in, since nothing ever goes right around here.

...Father Lars instructs O'Feckerty, pointedly ignores the strange Father Tiruin, and turns to his Bishop.

"Bishop Fachs! Father Lars here, and I do hope you enjoy your visit to the island! I trust your trip went well?"

”The trip was feckin' awful! I came here once before, when I was a wee lad. I feckin' hated it! Let's get this feckin' relic business out the feckin' way! You know, did you ever wonder just what the feck was going on with this feckin' relic business? A Holy feckin' Stone? On Rolly feckin' Island?”

Do some awkward smalltalk with the bishop, taking great care to not mention the topic of little boys. Find out what he's like. Listen to the other conversations.
Then purchase a second, fire-retardant, cassock.
Also wiggly earpieces thing.

..."Er. Right then. Um. Your somewhat holy holiness O'Neill? You had a good trip, yes? Good ride on the boy- OH FECK I MEAN ON THE BOAT? THE BOAT! A GOOD RIDE ON THE FECKIN' BOAT? No werewolves? I hear that a lot of the feckers have been around recently. Um. So. Werewolves."

”A good erm ride uh yes erm the?”

”Ok, right so. Erm. Tea? Uhhh... brothers of the cloth. Are you sure your fecking cassocks are tightly affixed to your fecking bodies and staying there? We wouldn't want yet another nudity-related incident..."

”Nudity?” asks Bishop O'Neill, turning bright red. ”Erm. You know, I don't really want any of that. Got a bit of a weak heart, so I have. Seventy nine, don't you know?”

...But alas! Father Errol doesn't hear. He's already rushed out the door to Ardglass's local fire retardant cassock shop!

But it's a Tuesday.

It's shut.

Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)

Father Tiruin 1
Father Lars 0
Father O'Feckerty 0
Father Errol 0

I am not yet entirely back, but d&d dice roller certainly is!

Apologies for the now traditional slow-burning first turn (particularly this one, where NOTHING HAPPENS thanks to your randomised incompetence). To compensate for the lack of action, I am adding 'shitebiscuit' to the permitted swearing list.

[Toaster]

((Damn, and I was so looking forward to calling the Bishop out on that one.))

"It's pretty incredible, isn't it, Bishop?  Our own little island with a Holy Relic?  But you're right- let's go!

Depart with Bishop Fachs toward the relic site!

[Errol]

"Er. Right then. Well, feck. Um. Father O'Neill? We'll be departing now. That all right with you, or do you still need something?"
If the Bishop requests something, purchase it, then depart with him. If not, also depart. Drive cautiously and turn on classical music. Avoid other priests with wiggly earpiece thingies.