Episode One, Turn Ten: Twelve Angry Priests (and one very angry Bishop).
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Get up from my seat to greet the Bishop at the door, giving him a warm welcome, as well as an explanation for why Teal is in the cupboard covered in duct tape.
...”Erm. Feck. Sorry sir,” starts
Father Purple.
“But Father Teal seems to have...well, locked himself in a burning cupboard and mummified himself using feckin' duct tape. Oh, shite. He's quite behind on the feckin' mass y'know, and I don't think the gobshite'll ever finish the bloody thing. Anyway, come on in! Take a seat! Don't worry about the SWAT, they're bloody eejits. I have no idea what they're talking about and NEITHER SHOULD YOU.”
“So, how are you? I hope you’ve been enjoying the lovely feckin’ Masses? I’m afraid this one’s been a terrible bag of shite, normally I love a good Mass, so I do.”Totally flip out and extinguish my burning testicles after escaping the cupboard
...“Oh shite. It’s only that feckin’ Bishop!” shout the Irish SWAT team.
”He’s gonna kick us all right in the feckin’ bollocks!”From inside his burning cupboard the mummified
Father Teal hears of the approaching Bishop Lennan.
”…in the feckin’ bollocks!”A thought occurs to him as the SWAT team’s anguished cry echoes around the church.
”…feckin’ bollocks!””Oh shite. Me feckin’ bollocks!””…kin’ bollocks!””There’s something wrong with them!””…bollocks!” ”Oh Jesus!””…locks!””Oh shite!””…ocks!””Oh for the love of God me feckin’ bollocks are burning!”With the frenzied power of burning-crotch panic, Father Teal bursts out of his mummifying duct tape and explodes out of the burning cupboard, surprising and scattering the dozens of semi-naked villagers surrounding it and trying to extinguish the flames with their clothes like some kind of half-witted rural fire-blanket wielders.
Immediately mistaking Bishop Lennan’s luxurious silk cassock for a replacement baptismal font, he dashes forward, tackling the bishop to the floor and rubbing his burning crotch on his back!
”Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh Saint Filharmonica. Was I feckin’ worried for a second there! I thought me feckin’ bollocks were about to burn right off! Oh. I say. Erm. Hello Bishop Lennan.””YOU BIG FECKIN’ GOBSHITE, FATHER TEAL. WHEN I’M FECKIN’ WELL FINISHED WITH YOUR BOLLOCKS YOU’LL FECKIN’ WELL WISH THEY’D FECKIN’ WELL BURNT RIGHT OFF! I’M GONNA KICK YOUR BOLLOCKS RIGHT TO TIMBUKTU, YER LITTLE SHITE!”Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Burn Father Red in the face and then put myself out in the baptismal font.
...As the church of Knockcloghrim begins to blaze,
Father Beige begins to feel a sense of disappointment.
Father Red’s face is not burning too!
Now that the pressing part is dealt with... disarm Father Beige and smash his head in with his flamethrower until he stops moving.
Then remember that I am on fire and run to the nearest brook to roll around in it screaming.
...And nor will it burn, at least not anymore than it is already lightly smouldering, given that
Father Red is generally ablaze and has been for some time. Getting
Father Beige in a particularly violent headlock, Father Red grabs the flamethrower from his now limp arms and starts smashing his head in with it!
Suddenly Father Red drops Father Beige to the floor and sprints outside to throw himself into a nearby pond.
A whiff of steam gently rises in the morning sunshine.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Concluding Rite! (5/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Sigh in defeat then remember that there has been no feckin' offertory! Rage to the heavens that Pink has forgotten all about an important part of the mass and that without that part, the whole mass is invalid!
...”Oh,” sighs
Father Green, despondently.
“I’ve let the gobshite do his feckin’ Mass. What a load of shite.”He takes a seat on the nearest pew.
But then he jumps to his feet in delight!
“No I feckin’ haven’t! The feckin’ eejit forgot the feckin’ offertory! Oh, I do believe that the entire feckin’ Mass is worthless without the shitin’ offertory! Feck!” Continuing to trust in the Lord, Conclude those Rites from the bottom of the pile of bricks, as God willeth. Amen.
...”Oh my word,” says the nearby pile of bricks.
“So it feckin’ well is. Bollocks. Oh well. Best we could do in the circumstances, eh! Yer big feckin’ eejit, Father Green. You just come over here so I can kick you up the bollocks!”Father Green tosses a nearby solitary brick at the talking pile of bricks and walks off, a spring of triumph in his feet.
Father Pink has completed the Communion Rite! (4.1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Trusting the Lord to deal with the pain in his bollocks, Cyan shall sing the Concluding Rite as he dances a jig up the aisle to Veridian, before smashing the gobshite over the head with the communion wine.
...”I would like to thank,” drones
Father Veridian, stepping up to take
Father Cyan’s place as this latter rolls about in pain on the floor.
“The excellent Father Cyan, for inviting me to this fecking excellent Mass.”“No! You feckin’ fecker! No you feckin’ don’t!” shouts Father Cyan, jumping to his feet in spite of the pain and hobbling towards the altar clutching his groin.
“No, no, Father Cyan, don’t be daft now. It was an excellent Mass, and I’d like to make sure you get credit for it. After all, did not the Lord say, erm, was it not something about lagging, he said? Thou shalt not underprotect thy pipework in deepest winter, for if thee do, it shall probably… wait, no, was it not rather about correctly insulating the boiler? It seemed to me a rather pertinent point, but now I come to think of it I’m not terribly sure that it wasn’t my plumber who said this rather than our Lord, but in any case, you know…”Issue the coup de grâce for the whole mass, ending it with a baleful symphony of my blessed vocal chords.
Of course, I thank Father Cyan in the best manner possible, with a long speech dedicated to how he conducted this mass, and on how this was all his idea.
...As
Father Veridian continues his endlessly tedious plumbing anecdote by way of thanks for the excellent Mass
Father Cyan has nearly completed, Father Cyan starts nervously twitching his way up the central aisle towards the altar.
“…it’s rather that the terribly low frequency is a little disruptive, you know, and so the dog forgets how to yawn properly – indeed, most people think that dogs can’t actually yawn, but, well, in Albania…”Father Cyan reaches the altar, gripping the bottle of communion wine.
“…and so that’s why they grade the paper in such a way, indeed, historically, you know, the numbers referred to how many feet had been used in the stamping down process, which I found a fascinating thing to hear about, and it reminded me of something that Father McCaskill once said to me on the subject of Latin Oratory, he said, you know, and this’ll make you laugh but it’s so awfully true, he said…”Father Cyan smashes the gobshite over the head with the bottle of communion wine!
He mumbles a few words of the Concluding Rite, but it seems no one is left awake to listen. He sits down and starts to drink.
Father Cyan has completed the Communion Rite! (4.3/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Kindly push her away. Both of them. Make him search for a high place. Alternatively initiate complex choreography with entrancing groin movements to hypnotize them.
...Pulling both the lovely old women towards him in a passionate embrace,
Father Silver starts a complex groinal thrust-based dance with the pair, hypnotising them with his crotchley warmth! Suddenly one of them tries to imitate him and throws her hip out of joint!
She collapses to the ground in writhing pain.
Ignore debauchery, finish Mass.
...”Stop this hideous debauchery!” yells
Father Brown, his poor eyes burning with shame. He turns to Mrs O’Hanrahanrahan tugging at his cassock.
”And you! Would you not like a nice cup of tea? Now, where were we? Oh yes. Ite, missa est, and all of that.”“Deo gratias.”Father Brown has completed the Communion Rite! (4.6/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Ask the elderly parishioners if they have an adult diaper to spare- equip any and all available to Father Blue.
...In the village church of Mullaghbrack, an eventful Mass seems to be drawing to a peaceful close.
That is, until
Father Orange gets it into his head that following up his wee-wee-inducing tickling with a bout of enforced villager nudism would be an excellent way to end Mass!
Throwing himself through the air off the altar and into the congregation like a sedate crowd surfer, he knocks down the parishioner he lands upon and starts frantically stripping off their clothes, hurling them this way and that about the room until he comes across his victim’s adult nappy!
“Rawwwrrrrrrrrrrr!” he shouts, in perverted triumph.
“Muhahahahahahhahaha! Feck! Arse! Drink!”He rips the adult nappy off and rams it down onto his head, whereupon he leaps to his feet and starts sprinting round the outside of the hall!
He realises he can smell something a bit strange.
>Crash tackle this bastard Father Orange, haul him up and chuck him through my second-favourite stained glass window!
>Then calmly rather tensely resume Mass, performing the concluding rite and what-not.
>Same punishments are on offer for anyone interrupting me, i.e. grabbing them by the ankles for use as a bludgeon.
>If anyone asks, I spilt soda in my lap. 
...Just then
Father Blue dives at
Father Orange’s ankles, sending him crashing to the floor and into a nearby pew before grabbing him by the armpits, lifting him above his head and chucking him right though the nearest stained glass window!
Father Blue has just got started on the Concluding Rites when a naked parishioner wanders up to the front of the church.
“I say,” says Mr O’Burns.
“Gnnnhhar!” replies Father Blue, bending down.
“You great big feckin’ eejit! I’ve had it up to here with your gobshiting nudity! Get the feck out of my church, you’re ruining me feckin’ Mass! Come on, you big gobshite, feck off!”Before Mr O’Burns can even begin to reply, Father Blue grabs him by the ankles, swinging him round his head before letting go and launching the poor chap right through another nearby stained glass window!
“A-feckin’-men,” mumbles Father Blue, vaguely remembering the end of the Rite.
“Yer big bunch of gobshites.”Father Blue has kind of completed the Concluding Rite! (4.5/5)
Top Sunday Mass Performer Leaderboard!
1. Father Red
2. Father Brown
3. Father Blue
Top Sunday Mass Disruptor Leaderboard!
1. Father Purple
2. Father Green
3. Father Veridian
Best Loser Leaderboard!
1. Father Orange
2. Father Cyan
3. Father Pink
Yes! I have chosen to go with three teams of three players for the next round. These are the nine players who will progress to Episode Two! The three worst losers will be granted the top spots on the waitlist.
I have enjoyed this so far: thank you for playing. Episode Two to follow shortly.
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69116 times)